gosh, i had to write this out and stick it up on my desk. i so struggle with being brave. i struggle with taking chances and following my heart. i struggle the most with fearing failure. i am always afraid to commit to things because i cannot promise you i will not have a nervous breakdown in the middle of said commitment. i quit things.
lately, as much as i have wanted my prayer answers to be things like, "go to such and such infertility clinic and you'll be cured" or "go to this or that adoption agency, there is a baby waiting for you" or "eat only such and such for a few months and you'll conceive"- that is not what is happening. instead, i am feeling prompted, tugged, dragged, even begged by the heavens to go back to school and get that masters in social work i planned on getting in retirement...like, now.
i know that kind of talk to those who don't believe in spiritual guidance, in life "missions", in the holy ghost, in god guiding our lives, is eye-rolling at best and maddening at worst. and that's ok. but i do believe in it. and have seen miracles in my life as i have followed that still, small voice that burns like a fire in my heart- even when what i was feeling to do didn't make sense to anyone else, or even me.
can i tell you something? i hate being home alone all day. oh, i stay busy. my house is spotless, my scriptures are read, i exercise, my hampers always empty. i usually find a way to help someone somehow everyday. i work slowly along on my quilt patterns and such for the etsy shop. i run errands alone. i know, it sounds like a dream life.
there's more in me. i know there is something else i'm supposed to be doing right now. i feel strongly to stop focusing on getting pregnant for a couple of years. long enough to get my schooling done and begin working on my mental health and substance abuse counseling licensure.
and this declaration begs the question: why do i feel like i have to share with the whole wide web my every agonizing decision? my every heart wrenching acceptance? my every ever-changing plans?
because i am not brave. so here it is world wide web, my promise: i will do what i feel to do, despite the knot of fear in my stomach. despite the wish that i could just have a "cookie cutter" mormon housewife life (does that exist?). i will give up the caution, not worry about failure, and do what i know i am to do right now.
i just received a timely email from an inspired woman who is working on her counseling licensure, and had an unexpected opportunity come up to adopt and took it. unknown to her the baby was drug addicted and required incredible amounts of extra care. at the same time she experienced yet another of many miscarriages. boy, life is hard and messy and my heart ached for her. but the message that she wrote to me at the end of her story was this, and i swear it changed my life:
"you can do both [deal with family and your education and whatever else comes your way] so long as you really want to and are willing to make some sacrifices; i am confident you will do both and you will do them well. it may be stressful at times but i have found not doing the things i feel i am meant to do in life (be a mother and protect children who have been hurt) more stressful than anything."
that is the stress and depression i am fighting right now: i'm not doing what i feel i am meant to do at this point in my life! the denial of that mission is so much harder than what it will take to get it done! is that crazy talk to you? or mind blowing wisdom and answer from heaven like it is to me?
i need to remind myself of a few things, too. forgive me for a moment while i remember who i am and what i've accomplished: i served an honorable and successful mission. i graduated from byu with good grades and a high school teaching credential while spending the majority of my time at one of my two jobs or snowboarding and rock climbing and enriching my life. and because i spent my whole childhood and adolescence developing skills like music, sewing, knitting, and also working hard at paid jobs, i have always been able to find a way to supplement my husband's income without leaving my daughter. from cleaning houses, to teaching piano, to running my shop.
when did i forget how capable i am? how strong? i think, for me, infertility made me feel broken. i'm used to being able to do things, and this thing i could not do. i felt broken and then i broke down. it's time to be humble, listen, and trust. accept other paths that i have formerly deemed unacceptable. god knows me and is aware. he has things for me to do while i wait for my other angels. and i know those angels will come. i know it with that very same burning in my heart that has always led me aright. there is time. plenty of time.