i really love these ladies. one of them has started laying, and consistently leaves us a beautiful brown egg every morning for the gathering. the first day i found the eggs sweetly sitting in a nested bowl in the coop, i was overwhelmed with emotion. i laid on the grass for a minute and wiped tears from my eyes. at first i was confused at my strong reaction. and then i realized...i wasn't just proud...i was super jealous.
why was it so easy for my young little hen to produce an egg? why was it so hard for me? i sifted through emotions that i usually bury deep- a sadness that i'm broken. an embarrassment for my failure at being a woman. that, i decided, is the pain that infertility brings me. that is why i avoid the subject of adoption when grant mentions it. because i want to work. i want to produce my own egg in my own nest proudly. i am someone who spends her life finding joy in creating, yet in the most basic way we are destined to create, i am utterly powerless. it hurts.
i'm glad i finally admitted these insecurities to myself, as painful as it was to feel the full force of them. it helped me to see how much my own pride has hindered the process of bringing more children into our home. i'm not sure how to go about finding peace with myself and my womanly weaknesses, but i have a sneaking suspicion that it will require a lot of time on my knees.