being a mom is hard for me. i look at people that like have a dog, or a super busy social life, and i think, why would you want more things to care for than you all ready have to? i'm not a natural nuturer. i'm the island simon and garfunkel were singing about. understand, i love cate with all my heart and soul. if any thing happened to her i think i would stop breathing. i think that's why it's so hard... the care and concern is all consuming. the desires and hopes and love consume me. the gap between the mother i want to be and the mother i am causes tremendous guilt. i think life would be easier without all those intense emotions. yes, i suppose it would be easier, but i cannot pretend it would be better. no, not better. it would be empty. barren. incomplete. because the intensity with which i feel the tough emotions is in direct proportion to the intensity with which i feel joy and love when she hugs me or says "i love you mommy" or says her sweet baby prayers. or laughs her belly laugh. i see the glimpse sometimes of what an amazing woman she will be. makes it all worth it. nailpolish all over my desk: worth it. big pain to do the smallest of errands: worth it. all the cricked necks i've had from her getting in our bed and sleeping on top of me: worth it. worth being a nurturer. worth abandoning my island. worth having more. plenty more.
i hear ya, i hear ya.
sweetness is you and your baby girl :)
Posted by: em | August 15, 2006 at 10:46 PM
Kelly...wow. You made me cry on this.
Posted by: Tracey Kendall | August 16, 2006 at 05:44 AM
exactly
Posted by: Glor | August 16, 2006 at 09:21 AM
you are right - they are sooo worth it!!
Posted by: maggie Holmes | August 16, 2006 at 11:35 AM
so very special!smile. I love the pic of you and Cate. Love your shirt too. Is it coley's?
Posted by: heath | August 16, 2006 at 01:05 PM
so sweet kelly. I love this post.
Posted by: jill | August 16, 2006 at 02:19 PM
that is a beautiful picture! I know exactly how you feel. Motherhood is not easy for me- and I have 5! crazy stuff, yet so rewarding.
Posted by: kristi livingstone | August 16, 2006 at 02:36 PM
Very well put Kelly. I think that's what I've been trying to explain to Jon, but in a completely wrong way. That picture should be submitted. It is sooooo precious and perfect. I feel the EXACT same way. We are a lot alike in that way. I worry soooo much. Today, Taylor fell down the stairs and did 2 sommersalts, one of which she landed on her head. I am still a nervous wreck and I'm so worried. I love her so much that don't want anything to happen to her. Then other times, it can be overwhelming. Being a Mom can be the best of both worlds.
Posted by: Melinda | August 16, 2006 at 07:25 PM
this is exactly how i feel. i always feel guilt because i always want to be a better mama than i am. i try and i fail. and i am so hard on myself. and you put into exact words how i feel about this endeavor. i would NOT trade it for the world, but in the same breath it is the hardest most difficult thing i have ever done in my entire life...all the worrying. all the pain, fretting, frustrations. it's all worth it.
hugs!
t
Posted by: tara pollard pakosta | August 16, 2006 at 07:49 PM
it is incredibly hard.
and incredibly intense.
and incredibly irritating at time.
but incredibly worth it. :)
Posted by: tara | August 18, 2006 at 04:52 PM
alright daytime emmy... but seriously, i had tears in my eyes... that's exactly the way I feel about Drago... just kidding again, I was just thinking that's what Oprah would say
Posted by: coco | August 18, 2006 at 07:07 PM
I found you via Melanie Mauer's blog -- this is a wonderful post. So heartfelt, and so real as she says.
And I am so with you -- the nurturing doesn't come naturally to me either.
http://daretodream.typepad.com/weblog/parenting/index.html
My best,
WhitneyJ
Posted by: Whitney Johnson | November 23, 2007 at 08:13 AM