my happy little life

33rd birthday

i wanted to go here

for a little bday peace and serenity now.

with him. he was a prince.

(hey, if you smooshed our faces together to one

it would look exactly like cate!)

bonus: the new dusting of snow was gorgeous.

extra bonus: thank you for all the well wishing yesterday,

it made me so happy!

33 was good.

it's my birthday

33. it snuck up on me.

amd it's just going to be a normal day.

(i guess i'm an adult now).

i have had the weirdest two months of my life.

not the hardest, just really weird and foggy.

i have either been recovering from a

stone removal surgery because it was too big to pass,

or trying to pass one in major pain.

it's been a fog of pain pills and exasperation.

usually i would have fun plans, i love bdays-

but i forgot to make any.

i think i'll just go thrifting,

but i do that most days anyway.

and grant is leaving on a business trip.

we said we'll just pretend my bday is this weekend,

and we'll celebrate with friends then.

and that's just fine with me.

next monday i have a third

(and final, fingers crossed) stone removal.

everytime i have an appointment to have them blasted,

the stone drops and we have to do surgery instead.

weird, weird few months.

i haven't really worked. i have watched a lot of movies.

sounds great, right?

nope. it gets pretty boring.

and i'm already prone to isolation,

but this has really made it extra bad.

grant requested i not be a debbie downer

on what should be a happy, non-dramatic day.

i agreed.

oh, and i should be launching this year's

birthday service project.

but honestly, i can't handle it until my

hospital visits are complete.

so that's on hold- until i can pull my head out.

in defiance of the no debbie downer rule,

can longingly say that

all i want for my bday this year is this?

that's not too much to ask, is it?

(from my favorite blog i can't understand: ledansla)

and finally, in the words of samantha baker:

no, i didn't expect to wake up transformed,

i just thought turning [33]

would be so major that

i would wake up with an improved

mental state that would show on my face.

all that shows is that i don't have

any sort of a tan left.

when i've been eating not so great:

i spend some time on favorite foodie sites

 poring over beautiful styling and photography.

it helps me make better choices that day/

want to menu plan + shop + cook whole food meals.

1. whole living:

2. sprouted kitchen:

3. honey and jam:

4. what katie ate:

and, a cow:

i had to end the whole food inspiration

with this beautiful bovine.

happy, grazing in grass, out in the sun.

i am a huge believer in/ supporter of

real milk dairies- whole, raw milk is all we drink.

(well, and almond milk).

read about the campaign here.

++

lots more whole food blog links on my side bar.

am i missing one you love? do share.

husband of mine

it always makes me happy

when i catch a glimpse of his wedding ring.

or notice again his pretty green eyes and freckles.

of course, our marriage is far from perfect.

but we laugh together a lot and we pray together a lot.

and i think that's a recipe for marital success.

a bunch of thoughts on happiness

image

"each morning when i open my eyes i say to myself: i, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. i can choose which it shall be. yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. i have just one day, today, and i’m going to be happy in it." -groucho marx

"we tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." -frederick koening

"a person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. you can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." -roald dahl

"if you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden or looking for dinosaur eggs in the gobi desert. he will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. he will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. he will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day." -w. beran wolfe

"have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success." -louisa may alcott

other stuff:

+ happy martin luther king day! i asked cate if she knew who he was, and she said, "yes, i learned why he is a king". haha.

+ did you see austin city limits this weekend? it was so good. here's a preview of black keys next week. awesome.

+ i am having kidney stones blasted tomorrow. blast.

+ i just told cate it was time to get ready for piano lessons. she replied, "i quit". it made me laugh really hard because that's exactly what i used to say to my mom when she told me to get ready for piano lessons. my mom would drag me to them, and dang it, i will drag her too. and she will be very happy playing the piano when she's old, just like i am.

+ dear asha, i prayed for you after i read your comment yesterday. oh boy, what a day. i am so sorry! someday you will laugh about it, right?

yesterday i was a bit dramatic

by ten in the morning i had drummed up a picture of a hopeless life. cate and i can't get up on time- ever.

frustration. day after day. i get so impatient with cate and it doesn't  make her speed up one bit. it makes me mad. what makes me more mad? that she's going to remember her childhood with these words: "come on, hurry up!" ugh. how did i become i that?

then i felt sadness because i realized the things that make me lose my patience with my sweet, innocent daughter are the things that i am not good at either (for example, coming on and hurrying up). so i get angry with her because i'm really angry at me...get it?

by this point i am thick in swirling sad emotion. i realize that if i am to not lose my patience with her, i have to learn to be more patient with myself. weeping and wailing insue.

a long prayer: asking forgiveness. asking for help. i don't know if i'm actually praying, though. i think i might just be saying dramatic things in my head for my own dramatic benefit.

hours of self-analysis and depression have passed. i am still in my pajamas lamenting the lot that is my life. my heart is beating fast. i feel scared of everything. i know this feeling well. i have at least been down this road enough times to know it's nothing more than my obsessive brain indulging in bad thought processes which triggered physical stress responses. must breathe and think about nothing. the adrenaline will stop. this has nothing to do with god or guilt or forebodings of tragedy. it is just negativity corsing through me in hormone form.

the phone rings: my steady, down to earth husband.

i started crying telling him about my lack of patience with cate. about my prayers and what i felt. about how i need to love more and stop criticizing- myself and everyone. how i cause panic attacks because of my self indulgent obsessiveness...i took a break to gasp for air and wipe crocodile drops off my cheek.

husband then cheerfully declares: "oh boy! looks like someone is about to start their period!"

instantaneous shaking with laughter. oh ya.

laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

it was a good day.

post edit: i asked my sister if this was too crazy to post. she replied, "no post it, because you ARE suuuuper crazy. at least it accurately respresents your life. they can get a dose of what i have to listen to all day." rad!