i have had a blinding headache from the second i woke up this morning in our vegas hotel room. maybe it was the smoke and barf smell that that entire city of reeks of. more likely it was the ball of nerves that i am on any car ride. is it just me? does everyone turn into a crazy scared sure this is to be our last drive anxiety crazed passenger? i try so hard to relax in the car but it never works. sleep? forget about it. at least if i can read i'm semi distracted- but when night hits i have nothing to do but look at headlights and imagine drunken drivers about to cross the median into my car. it's like bad thought adrenaline diarrhea that i cannot stop.
needless to say the drive, like every one of the hundreds i have taken betwixt utah and california, was uneventful. easy. full of good music and good road trip food. the thing is, even if something awful happened, what good would the worrying have done about it except destroy my final moments of peace? and then when the trips turns out fine, all the worrying did was destroy what could've been fun. but worst case scenarios seem to be something i am not able to convince my little over active imagination are unnecessary.
i used to use that imagination to play house. or line up lawn chairs and cover them with quilts and climb through it like it was a train. or dream about my future family. or ...a million other games and childhood days that did not include waiting for death. today, in a panicky moment that i experienced, not noticed by anyone around me, i looked over at cate who was blissfully drinking her orange juice. i felt such gratitude that she never feels this way. her childhood seems to be devoid of anxious crippling, as was mine. i want that back. becoming like a child...isn't that what i heard we had to do to inherit the kingdom of heaven? is that faith?
what happens? what age do we turn from blissful ignorance to cynical waiting for the other shoe to drop? when does our imagination cease to be used for dreaming and hope and begin to be used to picture the worst? life experiences sometimes hurt so much, or crush a desired dream and so we don't dare to dream or hope again- i think that's part of it. another part is how obsessed we are with watching and hearing about bad news and feeling guilty about the prosperity and blessings most of us live with. another part of it is the adversary of us all keeping us in our own heads constantly thinking about ourselves rather than others. i truly believe he teaches us errored ways of thinking to keep us fearful. he loves fear. and, a bit of it is our crappy diets and lack of physical exercise that helps our hormones to function the way they are supposed to. instead our nervous systems live in an over-excited state.
a theme that stood out to me from several talks in this conference was the absolute need to not fear. to find our faith and cling to it. this is all getting really intense for a simple note that was meant to say- i get anxious, especially when i am traveling. children don't seem to have these concerns. i want to re-kindle my childlike trust in life.
and thus we see i shouldn't blog late at night when i have a really bad headache. all apologies. tomorrow i'll post about cute skirts or something, k?