faith and fear cannot co-exist

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i have had a blinding headache from the second i woke up this morning in our vegas hotel room. maybe it was the smoke and barf smell that that entire city of reeks of. more likely it was the ball of nerves that i am on any car ride. is it just me? does everyone turn into a crazy scared sure this is to be our last drive anxiety crazed passenger? i try so hard to relax in the car but it never works. sleep? forget about it. at least if i can read i'm semi distracted- but when night hits i have nothing to do but look at headlights and imagine drunken drivers about to cross the median into my car. it's like bad thought adrenaline diarrhea that i cannot stop.

needless to say the drive, like every one of the hundreds i have taken betwixt utah and california, was uneventful. easy. full of good music and good road trip food. the thing is, even if something awful happened, what good would the worrying have done about it except destroy my final moments of peace? and then when the trips turns out fine, all the worrying did was destroy what could've been fun. but worst case scenarios seem to be something i am not able to convince my little over active imagination are unnecessary.

i used to use that imagination to play house. or line up lawn chairs and cover them with quilts and climb through it like it was a train. or dream about my future family. or ...a million other games and childhood days that did not include waiting for death. today, in a panicky moment that i experienced, not noticed by anyone around me, i looked over at cate who was blissfully drinking her orange juice. i felt such gratitude that she never feels this way. her childhood seems to be devoid of anxious crippling, as was mine. i want that back. becoming like a child...isn't that what i heard we had to do to inherit the kingdom of heaven? is that faith?

what happens? what age do we turn from blissful ignorance to cynical waiting for the other shoe to drop? when does our imagination cease to be used for dreaming and hope and begin to be used to picture the worst? life experiences sometimes hurt so much, or crush a desired dream and so we don't dare to dream or hope again- i think that's part of it. another part is how obsessed we are with watching and hearing about bad news and feeling guilty about the prosperity and blessings most of us live with. another part of it is the adversary of us all keeping us in our own heads constantly thinking about ourselves rather than others. i truly believe he teaches us errored ways of thinking to keep us fearful. he loves fear. and, a bit of it is our crappy diets and lack of physical exercise that helps our hormones to function the way they are supposed to. instead our nervous systems live in an over-excited state.

a theme that stood out to me from several talks in this conference was the absolute need to not fear. to find our faith and cling to it. this is all getting really intense for a simple note that was meant to say- i get anxious, especially when i am traveling. children don't seem to have these concerns. i want to re-kindle my childlike trust in life.

and thus we see i shouldn't blog late at night when i have a really bad headache. all apologies. tomorrow i'll post about cute skirts or something, k?

Comments

[brandy]

Don't apologize for this post. I know exactly what you mean, and I realize these worries, panics, upsets, are not coming from God...and you know what that means. I am letting *someone else* rule my thoughts. And so, I pray: "Dear God, please help me receive your peace." And He does, and I move on, thankful. Not fixed, but thankful and stronger for the moment.

[Amelia]

I'm constantly reminding myself "faith not fear." Logically, I know this but I can't seem to get my mind to work that way. I do believe for me it has a lot to do with diet and exercise and regulating my physical body so that my mind has what it needs to function properly. I also really have to avoid any media like you said. I thought it was just me that thought I was going to die every time I went on a trip.

[Emily]

I know exactly what you mean by bad-thought-adrenaline diarrhea. I used to call it worst-case-scenario-thoughts and I had it BAD, combined with post-partum depression last year and I was in a terrible place. I went to see a homeopathic doctor and it made such a huge difference! I only tell you this because I know you're into natural healing (like I am) and I thought you might be interested in exploring a new avenue to wellness. You might be glad you did.

[Kirsti]

i do the same thing! i think it all started when i got married and has only increased with each kid. once i found brian, i couldn't imagine life without him so the thought of a car crash was all that more horrific. then along came the kids...oh boy! car trips are full of anxiety. you are not alone. i think it just means that i love my family a lot! i love the part where you talk about cate in the backseat. i need to think more like navy too.

[kristen Van Dyke]

after I had kids, I was the same way about flying. I'm not sure what it was, but the last time I flew with the kids - just me and them - something happened that made me realize that it's all fine. it's all, just, fine. And I was fine and the flight was fine! I don't know what changed, but I am so grateful for it!

[Monica]

It's funny because this very same issue has been pressing on me lately. I just had my third baby (well she is almost 5 months old) and with every baby I have had, the more anxiety ridden I am! I am in CONSTANT worry for the worst. Meaning I haven't gone anywhere with her, and so on. She got sick last week and I swear I was on the verge of a full on anxiety attack...didn't happen though :) She is fine, but I feel like I am in the depths of worse case scenario thoughts as well. It is not making my function to my fullest, and my kids need their mom. I swear it's my hormones...like you said. Thanks for pointing that out! My diet and excercise routine is pretty lax to say the least lately :( I have a low thyroid, which I know would be better if I get back into my routine again. Which also bums me out that I take medication every day for this low thyroid. Anyway, I am rambling...sorry. It's just good to hear I am not the only one that feels this way. And conference was great to hear. I am thinking about our dear, sweet prophet these last few days a lot, and what he said: "The future is as bright as your faith." How I needed that!

[robin]

i truly relate to your fears, i often wonder why i can't just relax and enjoy all of my blessings. for me i feel like it got so much worse when my mom died - how about for you? there is something about losing your mom that takes away your last comfort - the one person you know who will love you no matter what and then the fear that your daughter will lose you they way you lost your mom...and of course my mom would be so sad to know how fearful and worried i get....

[karen]

these aren't bad thoughts to have. I think god gave us analytical minds so that we can fully process both joy and pain. when i get the anxiety creeping up on me, i think, "it's great my life is so full that i have things to worry about losing." we are given the responsibility of taking care of our bodies but i do know things happen that are beyond our control. during my work as a pediatric ICU RN, i witnessed random illness and accidents that brought both intense heartache and intense miracles. in life, i have seen bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. random plays a large role in life. i don't think god brings negative events to make us suffer. he is there to hold our hands and is there for us to give up our burdens. it's the handing it over that most struggle with. the good news is that his hands are always open. i think you suffer most when you try to handle it on your own. you are allowed these thoughts, that late night good and purging cry, the list making, the preparation for random emergencies, etc. this is how we process. just try not to let those thoughts prevent you from going on that road trip, writing that novel, learn to surf, etc. have your thoughts but also the comfort of knowing you have a hand to hold on to.love and peace can rule your life or fear and darkness.something else that helps...when you find yourself in a dark place, help someone else. there's a quote that i can't remember exactly that says something about the more you help your fellow man, the closer to god you get/the more he reveals himself. oh, the mom anxiety is something everyone experiences, it's something that was put in place to give us desire to protect our little ones and our families. gah, i don't even know you but i wrote all this...hope it helps

[alison]

okay so i am a long time blog stalker ( i actually met you when i took a knitting class of yours at dear lizzy a few years ago) but i have to say "amen" to all your thoughts. i am often so envious of people who can just skate through life with no fear or even concerns. sometimes i am so crippled by anxiety at the most irrational things that i truly scare myself. i have often thought that i am slowly becoming an agoraphobe. i used to hate to travel in airplanes. i got over it for a while, but now it is back. and traveling in cars, not much better. i totally get what you are saying and the faith and fear thing has been my mantra for a couple of years now. sorry that this is rambling, but i just had to speak up. thanks for sharing your real and honest thoughts. it is so refreshing here in the blogosphere.

[communikate]

you sum up my thoughts on my anxiety perfectly. i hate driving. i hate that i'm ALWAYS the worst case scenario person.

glad to know that i'm not alone in this.

[kat]

OMG, I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone. I'm 47 years old and am not able to drive more than 25 miles at a time. My body aches, and I feel like I am 90. I recently remarried 3 years ago and my hubby's driving is going to send me over the edge! We are all children of God, with similar needs, wants, loves and fears. I guess we just have to do the best we can each and every day. Life is soooo short that it's a shame we can't overcome such matters. I mean, it's not cancer, why can't we fix it? :)

[angie]

I am not so much anxiety stricken with travel that it holds me back from doing it, but I worry and constantly pray that I don't want ruined what I consider is my perfect life. Car accidents, illness, random acts of violence, I just pray for a long and happy life.

[Asha]

I wish I could take all your anxiety away. You remind me of my sister, the biggest worry wart around. I've had to snap at her to 'calm down' many times. Unfortunately, her son has caught the same nervous worrying from her. He's 10.
Focus on the positive of every moment. The chance of something bad ever happening to you is so small, it shouldn't even be given a second thought. Live for the moment, like Cate. Watch her, study her, then copy her.

[kim g]

love the new look of the blog...and I love this post.....that was one of my favorite quotes from gc....want to make a big poster of it and hang it as a reminder for myself each day.

[tara pollard pakosta]

oh my gosh! I thought it was ONLY ME!~
I am a horrific car rider!
we can't even travel at night for my fears anymore! I can't read either! I just watch to see what all the other crazy drivers are doing and coach my hubby on how to avoid our death!
oh man, we are both worriers! crazy!
hugs!
I totally get it!
tara

[tiffany]

kelly, thank you for writing about this. I never experienced anxiety until I became an adult. Mine isn't the same as yours though. Mine is more social. I saw a picture that I repinned from one of your pinterest boards the other day of a girl in an adidas shirt and messy bun on the top of her head. It looked like me in h.s. and I wanted to cry. I am far away from that happy girl. My anxiety is mostly based on a fear that everyone doesn't like me. I am afraid to develop friendships for fear of rejection. I guess I have had some pretty strong experiences with rejection in my life and maybe that is where it stems... I don't know. But I start to hate and reject myself too. It is hard to live with fear.