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Comments

i could really feel the spirit as i read your post today- i have been following your journey for a long time & am just so touched by how succinctly you put it. thanks for giving me a peek at that perspective!

In an effort to empathize - I have been in an eight year relationship, for nearly one of those years we have been engaged. I am LDS, we do not have a wedding date. The reasons are private of course, but this does not prevent anyone and everyone from asking me when the date is and why we aren't married yet. It is SO hard to deal with my heartache, I can only imagine how much more difficult your's is. I try my BEST not to hand out suggestions flippantly, but rather try to let the spirit tell me if it is necessary. I do wish others would do the same, especially those that I don't really care to share with. :)

I think you are pretty cool - I have read your blog for a long time now. Hang in, do what you feel is right, and do your best at graciously dealing with the Knowing Nancy's.

I commented over on that beautiful post, so I'll keep it short here.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I feel grateful to read them.

I cannot thank you enough for your guest post on my blog--it touched me and is touching so many! As to your heart-wrenching decision here is a story: my mother could not have children for 7 years--so she adopted 2 boys. Then I was born --and 8 more came--from her;) Yes. 11. My mom always says, 2 store bought and 9 homemade.

On a really personal note (because it took me awhile to have my son after my daughter)... I have a true testimony of timing. And the Lord's time is not our time. And that is SO sucky to admit, but when your baby comes to you (in whatever way) I am confident that you will say to yourself, "perfect timing!"

HUGS.

Ah. Infertility. Never commented before, but feel like I really should now, since, well, I've basically gone pro in Not Getting Pregnant. What you're saying here really resonates. It's incredibly hard to know if you should keep fighting and aching and pleading, or should you just give up already? Or is there some precarious place in between where it's possible to have peace? "Faith IS the work" makes me think maybe there is a middle place like that, where I don't have to bitterly give up, and I also don't have to have my every emotion hang on that gut-wrenching monthly cycle. I'm discovering that there is a difference between faith and trust. And having faith that God CAN give me what I long for, can hopefully make way in my heart for trusting that he WILL. In His time anyway, (which is the part that kind of makes me want to give God the finger, in some of my angrier moments. Wait, is that just me...?)

Anyway, I wish you, and everyone else struggling with infertility, all the best. It's such a strange, hard journey, and the answers are so hard to come by. But I've found that when they come, they're pretty glorious.

good one kelly. both of them. no one has it figured out, but it's nice to hear someone trying out loud and doing a dang good job of it. thanks for that!

your life reflects your deepest desires

the answers to these questions are so personal. i wouldn't dream of giving you advice. instead i'll share my wish for you: a clear path and the courage/confidence to see it through.

oh, and faith *is* work. absolutely. thanks for that truth.

I always love when your blog pops up in my reader.

I want a baby for you. I have no advice or insight on infertility. But I do pray for you.

being the only one who can know what's right for you and your family is a lonely job....
but you're doing it beautifully.

i, personally, don't believe people can be persuaded to adopt. i think it's more of a calling. youve heard the stories... the babies call to their families in one way or another and sweet adoptive parents can't sleep at night until they find them....

thank you for posting your thoughts and perspective. I admire your strength & wise words. I want to be you when I grow up.

Oh my gosh. I am so happy that you posted this. (Though SO sorry to hear that you have been going through this.) I am going to be 39 next month and am *still* not a mama. Conception hasn't come easy, but it's happened; my bigger issue seems that I keep miscarrying.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of being a mom. I ache for it. And I really, truly feel that it's meant to happen and I hope that some way, some how, it does. (And for you, again, too.)

Oh Kelly,

My own infertility has been so much on my mind recently and you have articulated how I feel so well. I have no advice or wisdom, I feel the only thing I can offer are my tears; I have a feeling you'd recognize them.

I, too, have a 7 yr. old and wonder if it's time to let it go and be content with him. We have attempted IVF 3 times and have experienced a failed adoption trip to Russia. I wish I knew the right answer. I wish I didn't feel like Heavenly Father has abandoned me (because my pleas seem to keep bouncing off the ceiling). At this point I'm done asking & am trying to find peace. Whether that means another child will join us eventually I do not know. I just want the madness to end.

My best wishes/prayers/thoughts are with you. Thank you for your brave words.

dear Kelly,
I love you, and regularly pray for you/Nicole.
I don't really have any adoption opinions, (other then Shauna is amazing...) I general think it's a pray about it decision, but I just watched this documentary on netflix, and it made me want to adopt a baby Chinese girl, like bad... National Geographic: China's Lost Girls

do it. adopt. do it because you have so much to give, and because whoever comes into your family is going to be so, so, so terribly lucky to have you. however they come is irrelevant. you want more children, go get more children. (both of your posts touched me in every touchable place in my body. you are so flipping amazing, kelly.)

Hey Kell. I know you may be over fertility treatments but I thought I would ask anyway. Have you tried follistm shots. Maybe try one cycle. It is about 7,000.00 if no insurance like me but it worked with Marlie. The most expensive part is the medicine. I have some left over with the needles and everything so that would help a little. If your not interested, please ask Nicole. I tried calling her but couldn't get a hold of her. I was going to donate it back to the fertility clinic but haven't for some reason. I went on Chlomid and was sooooo depressed and it did nothing for me. They doubled the dose and it didn't do anything for me but make me crazy. You may want to give this a shot. Let me know. Love you kell! Hang in there girl!

love to you. so much.

I have a dear friend whose kidneys failed when her first born was 3 months old. After a year of dialasis (sp) she got a transplant, but was told that having another child would put too much strain on her body, and could cause her new kidney to fail. She and her husband prayed about adoption several times, and the answer was always "no". She has been so frustrated about it - "What, does that mean I'm going to DIE or something?!" but she has thrown herself into mothering her now 8 year old daughter with a vengeance; much like you have. They share a close bond, and her patience and long suffering have been such an example to me.
Whatever your decision and however long it all takes, I hope that you find the comfort and inspiration that you need to get through it with joy.

As an infertile woman for 7 years (never pregnant even once) who is sitting beside my perfect, 7-month-old adopted baby girl, let me say that I can relate to your struggle. I hated feeling judged by other people for not being aggressive enough with treatments/adoption proceedings. I went through 7 rounds of artificial insemination, but never felt right about IVF, as much as I wanted to feel right about it. And at the same time, adoption didn't feel right for years and years. I was in a holding pattern. I had a good Bishop counsel me out of my feelings of guilt for not being aggressive enough. He said, "If the Lord wanted you to have a child right now, you would. You are not putting any barriers in the way. He's not testing you to see how far you're willing to go. There are literally no limits to how much time and money you can spend in the pursuit of pregnancy." I had to remind myself of this over and over again, but it was very freeing when I let myself believe it. Then last April, we suddenly felt prompted to start the adoption process, and six months later, Keira Jane was born. You can read our story here: http://www.angielucas.com/yeahwrite/2010/08/i-am-infertile.html and here http://www.angielucas.com/yeahwrite/2010/10/there-are-no-words.html and here http://www.angielucas.com/yeahwrite/2010/09/its-a-girl.html I hope the counsel from my bishop helps you a little as well. I'm impressed at the courage you've shown in writing about this. May your prayers be answered very soon!

Oh Kelly! I just love your honesty! It's so beautifully refreshing! I have experienced secondary infertility. Mine lasted one year - but it was the most agonizing year of my life. I still have no idea how my marriage survived it. I was finally able to conceive our third child through two things, which I swear by: receiving a priesthood blessing where my husband was not involved and the drug Metformin. I imagine that you have already exhausted these options, but because I love you and want a baby for you almost as badly as I want to have a million more babies - I had to share, just in case. I feel a kinship with you because I felt the same about many of these things as you do - including adoption. Unfortunately, adoption was never considered an option for us. We have/had considered fostering children, but not adoption. I hope peace and comfort are you constant companions through all this! I'm often thinking of you and praying for you!

I'm sorry that you hurt. I have no answers for you, only you and Grant have the answers that are right for you.

One thing I've learned in my 33 years here that seems to resonate in all aspects of my life: Sometimes I make my life harder than it needs to be. Its my way of proving myself, or punishing myself. Sometimes accepting the easy solution is the right choice, and it doesn't mean I am a failure....because sometimes CHOOSING the easier way, is really a lot harder than going the hard route.

Hugs, and here is to thicker skin for the "helpful" costco and church ladies!

i know i can't understand what you're going thru, but i've been reading your blog for a long time and feel like we should be friends and i've always loved reading about you and your family.
i appreciate that you share so honestly with us all. if adoption IS an option, i think that would be wonderful. :) best wishes!!

I haven't started on the path toward motherhood yet, but your post was very touching. I love your honesty and even though I've never met you, I'll pray that the Lord will bless you in the best way that He sees fit. Thank you for always being so candid on your blog. You've been an inspiration to me since I stumbled across your website and I will continue to read. Good luck to you!

I just love you and how you express yourself. You do it so beautifully. Your conversation with Jane brought tears to my eyes. Thanks so much for sharing yourself like you do. I have severe chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, and that is another thing people just DO NOT understand and have all sorts of remedies for. I have already tried them all, for 18 years (gained 100 freaking pounds, feel like dog poop every single day..)and I want to tell some to suck it. Anyway, sorry to get into that when you so touchingly shared your own sorrows and hell you're going through. I just related so much. The Lord has been telling me in my prayers lately, to accept it. Stop fighting so hard to get well. I would probably spontaneously heal, or maybe combust, if I could just do that. Your 2nd to last paragraph brought me peace and reminded me what He is telling me.

Stick with your heart. You know the answers, whatever they are.

I have so many friends who struggled to get pregnant.
It took them 3-4-5 years after they got married. Some had to have surgery, others had to change their life style, but all of them had to BELIEVE it will happen.

My mother had several miscarriages before I was born. And it was hard for her to fall pregnant. But then I was born when she was 35 and my sister was born when mother was almost 41.

And then, once I saw a story on TV about couple who had a daughter, but struggled to conceive again. And they had to make decision whether to adopt or not. And then, when they decided they will adopt, they fell pregnant, in natural way and had TRIPLETS! They said it was the decision they made, that took off all the pressure and stress.

GOOD LUCK!


i have only a few minutes to write, so please pardon the brief-ness. my daughter was conceived after one round of IUI. years later, i had four more rounds of IUI (with awful clomid) and no conception. i read somewhere that having children is a privilege, not a right. those words became my mantra. i gave away all of the little baby clothes/gear/toys i'd been holding onto. i stopped taking my temperature. i ate whatever i wanted. i even drank wine. i believed more than anything that my life was fulfilled with my husband and my daughter. i accepted it in a way i never thought i could...all because i was already privileged to be a mom to a wonderful little girl. and then i was pregnant. no clomid. no doctors. i don't understand. i have a little boy now. i won't say that what happened to me will surely happen to you. i hated hearing people tell me that. my best words of advice are to just hand it over to your faith. (IVF was never an option for me...too much $$$, my husband's a teacher, i'm a stay-at-home mom, and we'd never be able to get back on our feet if we spent so much on a "medical procedure" that might/might not work). sorry this is so long. best wishes to you.

Kelly,
I pray for you often that you will have another baby, I have been where you are before I was able to have my daughter, all the way up to the adoption thoughts. I have prayed for a peace about it for you. The month that my daughter was conceived, I had a peace about it knowing that God was going to give me a child, and was finally able to let go and let God. I truly believe that the absolute faith I had about it, is what finally did the trick. I will keep praying.
Rebecca

Lot of comments have shared really touching stories and advise and mine is no different or special, but in my calling in church it has been pointed out in quite a few different meetings/settings that even the prophets don't get specific revelation if they don't ask. Not knowing if you have done this already I would say, tell the Lord how you feel about adoption and then pray so hard (weary the Lord) to see if how you feel is right.
Adoption isn't for everyone and maybe it is like you said, all about patience (I dread the word too). This is a hard struggle that you and many others face and it hurts my heart. I guess the only advice I can give is use the atonement...it works for many things.
If you feel in your heart that you will have more children then I believe you will.

Oh Kelly- I am you in a different location. Please email me if you want to talk more about adoption or an agency, etc. Our stories parallel each other in so many ways. I have a son- with no conceiving help. Then years of drugs and infertility and money (and bloating!) :)
Then we turned to adoption. That is a post all of its own. Now we have to two lovely children. Each way of making a family was a journey. Each was such a miracle and a joy to be a part of. There is hope and there is a God who loves you and wants to give you the desires of your heart. His gifts just don't always come in the neat and clean wrapping that we adore.
Janine

I totally agree with cjane. Sometimes holding on to your faith and hope *is* the work.
During our 4 year struggle with infertility I was a roller coaster of emotion. I gave up on doctors about 3 times, each of those times lasting at least 6 months. I felt hopeful at times and I felt hopeless at times. There was one time when I really thought the spirit was telling me that I would never have my own biological children and I didn't know how to process that so I ignored it - for a long time. Then I denied that feeling and began to hope again. Finally I came to the point where I wanted to try working with the doctors again but had formulated a back up plan which included my husband and I getting licensed for foster care. And after another trial run with clomid - which I had no hope would work - I am pregnant. I know in my heart it wasn't really because of anything I did or didn't do, it was just the Lord's plan. And I have no idea if this will be our only child or if we will all the sudden be fertile and have a dozen more kids.
Thankfully I didn't have to hear a lot of "advice" because I was very private about our infertility. Only our family and a few close friends knew what we were going through and they were all very supportive. But I remained quiet mostly because I knew I couldn't handle people telling me "go on vacation and just relax, then you'll get pregnant." As if that is a real solution to kick start ovulation.
I think you're doing what's right by listening to the spirit and following your instincts. But I also think that adopting doesn't mean that you have to give up on having your own biological children, it's just a different way to bring a child of God into your family.

First off, thank you so much for sharing, especially with those of us that don't know you personally. You know, there is just something so comforting in knowing the struggles of other women, that we are not alone. I do, however, believe that you are on the right path by just trying your best to turn it over to Heavenly Father. I struggle all the time with giving Him my burdens, only because it appears I am a total control freak and, dare I say, think I know best how to handle things?

Also, through your story I am reminded of how many times I get asked if I am planning on "having another", in addition to my almost three year old daughter. And then I sometimes even get scolded (like this past weekend by my husband's oblivious family) that I shouldn't space the two "too far apart." As if fertility is just a given. Maybe ignorant people really are more blissful?! Anyways, what these people fail to understand is that I don't have the luxury of carrying a child right now because of some personal health issues. And why should I have to share this info with everyone so that they watch what they say? And then the whole encounter only leaves you feeling worse... When are people going to get the clue that this is a topic where they should tread lightly?

Anyway, best to you. Really. The best. And in the meantime, may we both rejoice in raising our daughters to be some of the most tended-to and loved children ever!! :)

I cannot imagine what you have gone through. But one thing I have noticed reading your blog is that you are way too hard on yourself. You are very beautiful & don't seem to realize it. Just remember that & all your other wonderful blessings. Good luck!

I am not a mother.. but I am the oldest sister of two and my little sister is NINE years younger than me. That was not my parents' intention. They wanted to space us out by a couple years and struggled. They finally started seriously looking into adoption. I was even interviewed during a home visit. Before we could actually adopt, my mom found out she was pregnant. My sister and I have a relationship that somewhere between (second-)mother/daughter and best friends. All the angst & love/hate that I see in my friends' relationships with their close-in-age siblings is completely absent from my relationship with my amazing sister.

I know this is a very hard time for you and it sounds cliche to say "God has a plan".. but He does and it is one full of hope. Maybe He wants your children to have the same kind of relationship I've had. Maybe He has some amazing child out there whose parents can't care of him or her. I don't know what the rest of this story is, but trust that He does.

kelly, i've been thinking about you guys and wondering how it's going. in fact, i even talked to grant about it last week until someone had to interrupt us with a work question. the nerve...

i definitely can give no advice and i feel like i can't even tell you to "hang in there." what does that mean anyway? just know that you're in my thoughts and i'm crossing my fingers for a McCaleb V2.1 and for you to have peace in the meantime. hugs to you, my dear

No advice from me. Just wanted to send you some love and say that I don't know you, but I admire you and know you'll make the right decision.

I am a 34, not a single pregnancy in 7 years. But I've learned that I do not need to suffer. It is a CHOICE!! I learned this after 2 yrs of infertility. A wise spiritual healer/infertility acupuncture guru told me straight up that if I wanted to be a good mother, I NEEDED TO ACT LIKE IT. Would I want to teach my own children to react to a trial in this way? Nope! So,out of the love for my unborn children, I made a choice to embrace my trial....to welcome it in all it's raw, mortal glory. Being refined by our trials is what the whole plan of salvation is all about, anyway. I have clung to that. And it has carried me through every trial since, including the loss of my husband. I say all of this out of love for you and for anyone who suffers...you have the greatest opportunity at your fingertips. I want to give you HOPE that this peace is possible- even in your darkest hour!!! Just like Christ, who forgave and loved on the cross, we can bear our cross in the highest manner possible. There is nothing better in this earthly existence than that. Not even a baby. Not even a husband. If I can get to this place, so can each and every one of you. GO FOR IT. It is the greatest thing you will ever do. Happy Mother's Day to each & every one of you. Celebrate it for what the mere desire of motherhood can do to your life, as I will be doing.

Hey Kelly, I am so so sorry. I also dealt with infertility (well am dealing) I had a normal miscarriage and then vanishing twins. Had my son and daughter and have had 2 more miscarriages... I only have one tube now after the last time and have had surgery eachtime... I did lots of things to try and help it along, but once I didn't take clomid and such I finally conceived normally... I really understand you thinking of adoption.... we did too. I'll be really oraying for you in this time, Kelly. I admire what a rad Mom you are to Cate. I think you are wonderful.

I love your honesty and I wish we were neighbors.

I wish I had something wise to say that would help. All I know is that in my own challenges and struggles, it has all boiled down to trusting Heavenly Father, and letting Him be in charge, and being happy with HIS plan for me. Meaning, letting go of MY idea and plan, and happily following HIS. It's hard. I think "enduring to the end" can be the hardest part of the plan sometimes. Love you

Dealing with secondary infertility has been one of the toughest challenges of my life. I gave birth to 2 daughters and could no longer get pregnant. I ached and longed and weeped and ached some more in the pursuit to find the child that I knew was supposed to come to our family.

Seven years later, adoption brought me my miracle baby. My feelings about it are very tender. My husband was ready to adopt a long time before I was. I had concerns that I would not be able to love an adopted child as much as my biological children. When i went to the temple, those concerns washed away. I found comfort that children sealed to me were mine no matter how they came to my family. That baby boy that came to our family through adoption...I can't even tell you how much I love him. He is the answer to so many prayers.

We have a sweet relationship with his birthmother as well and that has enriched our lives. She joined the church a few months ago--right before our son's 5th birthday.

Adoption is hard--as hard as all the infertility treatments. You have to know it is what Heavenly Father wants for you. Now that he is in our family, I wonder how I ever doubted that God was aware of the tiniest details of my life.

You can read our adoption story here;
http://themichiganders.blogspot.com/2008/05/our-adoption-story.html

Thinking of you....

Michelle

i really admire and appreciate your courage and openness. i too am waiting, hoping, praying, trying (and crying of course). it just helps to know that i'm not alone in the struggle, even though it's a hurt i would never wish on anyone.

i've seen many families blessed with adoption, and i think it's the most beautiful thing. but do i hope with every fiber of my being that i'll be able to carry and have my own child? absolutely. i wish i had some advice for you, but i have a feeling that you'll be guided and directed and eventually you'll know what the best decision is. hugs and prayers sent your way...

I have commented before and we have a lot in common- other than we made the decision to pursue addoption after 4 years into our secondary infertility and a tubal pregnancy that about cost me my life. That path is not easy either and it is not for everyone. It took four years for us to have out son come into our life- four years and about a million miracles- the greatest of which was my decision to turn it completely over to the Lord. Within 6 months of that decision, my 2 day old soon to be son was placed into the arms of my 8 year old son and he brought him to my husband and myself.

Life then got very interesting because I got pregnant when he was 9 months old, and then again when he was three.

Our stories are a little different in that I never did have any definable medical reason or situation other than I just don't ovulate very often- and yes- Clomid is bad news for me too.

May I offer a thought? When worrying about if you can love a baby your body didn't take part in creating, examine your feelings towards other children you know- like nieces or nephews- do you love them like your own? If the answer is yes- then that part of adoption will be easy.

There is nothing like fasting and prayer- and by all means, make it a big family affair.

Mom to 4- and none of them were easy.

My heart does go out to you.

http://celebratelifewithus.blogspot.com/
I don't know if this blog would interest you at all. It's a couple that we knew here in Germany and now they're stationed in Korea. They've had infertilty problems and are now about to go to the Ukraine to adopt one (maybe two) children. They leave in a week. I think you'd like reading her thoughts on adoption and what not.
I can't imagine what it's like to go through this struggle. Makes my heart ache and I pray for peace for you and hopefully a happy solution. Good luck!

This made me cry...

I was one of those that offered advice. I am sorry, Kells... I just pray for all my friends dealing with infertility...and when I learn something new...I think it is worth sharing. I am so sorry!

I was dx with unexplainable infertility. But, I knew without a doubt that I had more children to be had...

3 years, 4 miscarriages...I was done. March of 2010, I had the worst miscarriage of all and I told my husband that was the answer. I was not going to pursue anymore.

BUT...we failed at one thing...while we decided it was it...we failed to use any sort of birth control. We had twins, naturally conceived that were about to turn 5... My periods have always been clock work to the hour almost....

So, one beautiful day in June of last year...I realized that I had not had a period in a while...sure enough..I was 7 weeks pregnant. I was super careful not to say anything to anyone...until I started showing.

Happy, healthy baby was born this March.

No advice here...just my story that hopes to offer hope. We did everything under the sun except IVF...and ended up conceiving this sweet girl naturally.

Kelly,

I truly feel your pain. I really do. I know I have 2 daughters and I love them so very much, but I always wanted 3-5 children. And I have never felt like I was done. Ava will be 10 this summer and we have tried on and off. I did Chlomid but only 2x I could not stand the hope that it would bring and couldn't do that to myself. I just waited on the Lord and I guess 2 is all He wanted me to have. I am okay with that now, but a part of me will ALWAYS mourn the other children I wanted to have.
one day I was at B&N with my best friend and she was talking of having a 3rd (she's 37) and saying how she couldn't afford it. and I said to her, "I heard this saying once and I never forgot it": "you will never regret having a 3rd baby , but you might someday regret not having one" . there was an older man, grandpa-age standing there listening and he said to my friend, "she's right you know"...it was the sweetest thing. I hope my friend has another and that she can because the not being able to when you truly want another is devastating.
praying for you dear kelly.
and much love.
tara

I love your blog. When I read it, I feel like there is someone out there who knows exactly how I feel. I find myself in the same boat as you with secondary infertility - 2 kids, hoping for number 3 but...still waiting 4 years and 5 miscarriages later. Lately I've been feeling so DONE with all of it. I just want to give up and be ok with my little family. And all around me everyone I know is pregnant. Life is so not fair sometimes. I keep thinking if I just forget about it and leave it alone, it will work itself out. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing your story.

Hey Kelly, I understand what you are going through, but just wanted to say to you how lucky you really are.. evan if you hurt for another child. You have a loving husband and a lovely daughter. I was not so lucky, I just never found the a man who was willing to have a child, it seems I spent most of my youth looking for my soul mate and just never finding him. Now I am 42 and still alone. Now I am too old to have a child. I guess I just missed out, I try to concentrate on being the best Aunty I can to the son of my sister and the 2 daughters of my brother, but I will always ache for the feeling of my own child in my arms.
I try to accept the life that god has given me. Thats all the advice I can give you. Relax and trust in his ways. You never know whats around the corner.
Lots of Love
petra

I love following your blog. I've been 'dealing' with infertility for 8 years. The first 6 years were horrible... IVF is awful, reversed adoptions after you've had the baby for 34 days is even worse... but as I look at my two year old adopted daughter, I am so grateful I wasn't able to conceive. She is perfection, literally perfection. She needed her beautiful birthmother's genes (and her birthfather's too, of course, though we've never met him) and I am so head over heels in love with her, that I couldn't imagine my life any other way. Will we have any more children in our home? I certainly hope so, but I am not the one in charge, as six years of hell and two years of heaven has taught me.

When I was struggling with the thought of adoption, we had a speaker in church that was talking about her experience with adoption. She told us to think of the one person in the world that we loved more than anything. I immediately thought of my husband. She continued, 'Chances are you aren't blood related to them. You can, and you WILL, love your adopted children'.

Adoption is a miracle, but that doesn't mean it's easy- not for you, not for the birthparents, and someday, for however long or brief a period, it won't be easy for the child either. But in our case at least, it was RIGHT and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My husband and I both have fertility issues--mine were easily fixed while my husband...not so much. I identified with your struggles; you get to a point where you feel nothing, including your body, is private anymore. Everyone thinks they're being helpful, but sometimes they make it worse.

I read your adoption post, and I very much understand your position on adoption. My husband cannot have biological children. We went back and forth on whether to adopt or not--my sister placed baby for adoption years ago, so I have witnessed the blessings. My husband didn't like the idea--he wanted to go through the whole pregnancy thing with me. I didn't feel it was the path for us, as crazy as it sounds. I teach high school, and I couldn't lose the feeling that if I was adopting I would be hoping for one of my students to get knocked up. Whether that is twisted thinking or not is beside the point; it's just what I thought.

So we decided to get sperm donation. I left the decision up to my husband, since he was the one that wouldn't be "related" to our children. I was worried, but he was sure that was the route he wanted to take. He told me that even though his kids wouldn't look like him, they could at least look like me.

I was worried--the same worries that you have--will he feel that bond with baby that I would feel? But it's true--even if you're not biologically related to your child, you are linked. Daddy and Daughter are soul mates. I can't imagine better friends in the world than my sweet daughter and her daddy.

I once asked my husband if it was hard, knowing my daughter and I were biological, but he was not. He said, "Why should it? It's just science. I'm her dad, and I know it, she knows it, and the Lord recognizes it. We're sealed together, so I don't care where the science came from. She's mine."

I've realized that as we have raised our daughter--it's just science. But it's also your choice, and no one, even those of us who have been through the infertility ringer, can really understand what another is going through. Good Luck. I know that one way or another, you will have another child. Because I have learned that when you know something in your gut, you're usually right.

Great post - my first baby took 6 years to conceive. Clomid... NIL response. All other treatments except IVF... NIL response. I never wanted to have IVF, but ended up doing so and finally we had a daughter. It was the best ending to 6 years of torment.

At my first post-partum appointment my Ob was talking about all sorts of things when I butted in and said "Dr - this is fantastic - when can I have another one". "Stop" he said "Each baby is a miracle and the fact that you have been able to conceive after 6 years of trying does not mean you can have more. You have a high risk of not being able to have more children. Enjoy her and dont focus on the next, because you'll miss this time." So true... I figured she would be it.

2 years on, my head was in the space and I wanted a baby. I also wasnt ready because I wanted to get in better shape mentally and physically. I saw my IVF DR and he told me to expect nothing, go away -get healthy and lose some weight. Ok... I can do something for 8 weeks. I figured that all my problems were hormone related, so I quit eating meat and its products (thereby adding more to my body), and focussed on eating fruit, vege and grains. In 8 weeks I lost 30 lb, but wanted to return to my old ways. So I did. Got really sick. Too sick. Found out I was pregnant... who ever knew my body actually worked!

Good luck to you... its the hardest thing to go through. Frustrating when it seems everyone around you finds it easy... xx

kelly i love your honesty and wish i could "fix" infertility for so many people that i love. my mom included. one of my best friends has been struggling with this for quite some time. She posts about it so beautifully so i thought i would share. it starts here (link below) and continues to now. i do not know the pain of infertility in the sense that you do but do know that when the time is right for the next step, you'll know when you know. whatever it is that you come to know. you're pretty gifted like that;) (from what i can tell by stalking your happy little corner of the web) much love to you!

http://settingstages.blogspot.com/2010/01/trying-part-1-baby-machine.html

I have been officially infertile for two years. I haven't experienced secondary infertility but if I ever get that first baby I do know that it will be just as hard to have the second. Being told that my egg supply was running out fast was something I never anticipated at 25, a punch in the stomach for sure. I get advice all the time on whether I should adopt or what procedures I should try, and I love that people love me enough to be involved in my life but it also can be frustrating to get advice because ultimately my husband and I are the ones who are aware of the circumstances and what we want to do. People always tell me it will happen in the Lord's time, but I always feel like that is such an easy thing to say from the other side of the fence. Sometimes the approach people take to infertility makes it feel like a punishment for not enough faith. I don't know. What it comes down to is that infertility, whether first time or secondary, rocks you. No one who hasn't experienced it can really understand the emotional and physical toll it takes.

My perspective may be a little different than an adoptive parent or an infertile parent. I'm sorry if there is duplicity in my comment.

First, I am an adopted child. It has been the greatest blessing of my life because without it, I would likely be living a very, very different life. I have not known anything else and have always felt such immense love within my family. I'm grateful for temple sealings and the pregnant teen mom who got me to earth.

Second, having babies has been harder than I ever thought. I have the same blasted pcos. It sucks --chronic miscarriages, premature babies (and many other pregnancy issues) for me. I've got four kids now and two in heaven. I always thought I would adopt, but I haven't. I always thought I could identify with the identity crisis of adopted children. I've felt that even though having babies was really hard for me, there are other women who were unable to become pregnant, despite advanced medicine and great faith. I've always hoped that these wonderful mothers would adopt babies. My logic is likely flawed - in that if I don't adopt (because I was finally able to have babies), other women will, but that is how I feel. For me, adoption is a very important (and sacred) part of the plan.

It was such a shock to see my first baby immediately after she was born. She looked like me. No one had ever looked like me before. And yet I knew that my own (adoptive, real as they come) mom couldn't possibly have loved me more if I'd looked like her. I've had all the love in the world and have always felt wanted and even needed to make my family complete. That's what adoption has been like for me.

Man, I'm a devout atheist and I still love reading your blog. Your passion, your honesty, your love of life and your daughter.

You remind me of my sister (also named Kelly) who just puts so much of herself into caring for her family and being the best Mom she can.

As far as whether to adopt or not, I just think that any child who makes his or her way into your life will be extremely lucky. I say do it. I bet once you adopted and got all wrapped up in caring for your new addition you would get pregnant again! It's just like when you're perpetually single, can never find a good relationship, trying so hard to find someone to love... and then the right one comes along right after you stop looking!

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best.
Hugs from SF!

as i was washing dishes tonight i was thinking back on my period of infertility. many hard years of pcos symptoms. i actually was laughing because after all the bad advice and crazy stuff and doctors my golden ticket was walking/exercising 45+ mins a day. i did get pregnant twice on metformin but my periods never became regular without the exercise. after my periods became regular i conceived on my own. on adopting-a baby would be blessed to be in your home and it would also be a gift you could give cate. i say go for it when the holy ghost gives you that sweet peaceful feeling. until then, take a mental vacation from all the guilt.

My parents adopted 4. I thought I'd adopt too but my husband thoughts were otherwise. My situation isn't like yours but I can only say that adoption isn't for everyone. I pray everything works out!

I have never been able to conceive. I have polycystic ovaries. We have adopted 2 children. We put our paperwork in for adoption at the same time we were doing fertility treatments because we figured the most important thing to us was to be parents. We thought, how can the Lord bless us with what we want most if we don't do everything we can do? I have mourned the loss of my biological children over the past 7 years. It's been a process, but a very important one I believe. I have 2 beautiful babies and hope to adopt more. I don't have any desire to be pregnant any more. If we became pregnant, great! But if it never happens for us, I have peace about it. I'm trying to remember back about advice. My look on it is that people are just trying there best to help… if it hurts me, it's my issue not theirs. We dumped about 10,000 into fertility treatments. 6 rounds of artificial, 1 round of invitro and I called it good. My body and emotions couldn't take any more. It wasn't until after our failed invitro that I really let it go and put my faith in the Lord. 5 months later our sons birth mother contacted us. Now that I have children my lack of fertility is almost a non-issue! I am a mother and that's all I wanted. I find myself wanting to experience pregnancy less and less every year. About your fears of adopting. They are all real and valid. Until that baby is placed in your arms, you will be a little scared. But when that baby is in your arms, I promise you will be instantly in love… and a mother once again. Adopted or biological, they are children of God who need loving parents like you and your husband. I've followed your blog for a while and always hoped you'd want to try adoption someday. It will change you life.

I wrote a little series about my infertility and adoption, you can read it here:

I have never been able to conceive. We have adopted 2 children. We put our paperwork in for adoption at the same time we were doing fertility treatments because we figured the most important thing to us was to be parents. We thought, how can the Lord bless us with what we want most if we don't do everything we can do? I have mourned the loss of my biological children over the past 7 years. It's been a process, but a very important one I believe. I have 2 beautiful babies and hope to adopt more. I don't have any desire to be pregnant any more. If we became pregnant, great! But if it never happens for us, I have peace about it. I'm trying to remember back about advice. My look on it is that people are just trying there best to help… if it hurts me, it's my issue not theirs. We dumped about 10,000 into fertility treatments. 6 rounds of artificial, 1 round of invitro and I called it good. My body and emotions couldn't take any more. It wasn't until after our failed invitro that I really let it go and put my faith in the Lord. 5 months later our sons birth mother contacted us. Now that I have children my lack of fertility is almost a non-issue! I am a mother and that's all I wanted. I find myself wanting to experience pregnancy less and less every year. About your fears of adopting. They are all real and valid. Until that baby is placed in your arms, you will be a little scared. But when that baby is in your arms, I promise you will be instantly in love… and a mother once again. Adopted or biological, they are children of God who need loving parents like you and your husband. I've followed your blog for a while and always hoped you'd want to try adoption someday. It will change you life.

I wrote a little series about my infertility and adoption, you can read it here:

http://placetobloom.blogspot.com/2011/03/kates-journey-to-motherhood.html

http://placetobloom.blogspot.com/2011/03/infertility.html

http://placetobloom.blogspot.com/2011/04/adoption.html

and here,

http://placetobloom.blogspot.com/2011/04/birth-stories-by-bloom-guest-kate.html

Good luck on your journey to being a mother again!

I wish you all the children that you deserve Kelly. And I feel for your struggle. I have a 8 year old son and my second son is 5 and he is adopted. People ask me how much we paid for him? We paid for him with all our heart and soul. And he has my smile, my cheeky traits and my husbands humor!

Okay, Kelly, I don't want to be an annoying person who doesn't know anything about infertility, and gives you advice. But I'm going to be annoying anyway and throw an idea out there. Have you heard of the GAPS diet. It is along side WAPF, which I am embracing after reading and experimenting with everything else under the sun. But GAPS goes a step further and heals our guts, which are in dysbiosis from all the crazy things we've done to them (antibiotics, processed foods, birth control pills, pollution, formula feeding, etc. etc.), AND it's passed down from mother to child (baby gets mother's gut flora as baby passes through). I have read the book, and am 99% positive this is my family's problem, why my mom has MS, my brother autism, my siblings ADD and allergies, my babies colicky/refluxy etc. etc. We have begun the diet. Anyway, Dr Natasha Campbell McBride mentions this is a (or the?) cause of PCOS and endometriosis. So I thought of you. There, I'm done being annoying.

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