to my friends in infertility, i have a few questions:
were you ever able to conceive? how long did it take? if so, did you experience secondary infertility? have you tried or succeeded at adopting? how did you make that decision? are you worried about making the decision to adopt? where are you at in that process? is your condition with hope of ever conceiving on your own, or permanent no way? does the advice people give you help or make you feel misunderstood? how much money have you dumped into unsuccessful procedures? how many times have you just said, forget it, i'm not worrying about it anymore? how long does that cycle last for you? how interested/ obsessed to you get in trying to control everything you put in your body for the best chance of conceiving? how do you know/ get answers for the next step you should take? when do you decide to stop intervening and trust that god will provide a child for you, if in his loving omniscience, it is his will?
to all my friends, i have a few comments:
i had the most stimulating talk with miss cjane the other day. (i just love you courtney). the truths that were expressed between us gave me a new confidence and perspective and uplifting, also known as edification. unless you live under a rock, you know that it took her five years of unexplained infertility to conceive. people gave her so much advice- particularly to just "enjoy it" while it was just her and her husband's special time that she began to blog under that fun and irritating encouragement. many judged her need to just let go and let god be in control, feeling she should have been more aggressive in her medical treatments (and i am assuming adoption inquiries as well). i told her, yes. that is where i'm at. i'm exhausted and people tell me what to do.
i've done a lot of things. they didn't work. i've been through the ringer emotionally and physically. i can basically handle the advice i get daily, with a smile and genuine gratitude for the giver who cares about me... but all of it is so overwhelming. i promise you, those people didn't gain 40 pounds and nearly need to be checked into a psych ward while on chlomid, only for it not to work. (and consequently had everyone from the costco workers to women at church jumping for joy at my fat belly. "you finally conceived," they'd say! when i most definitely had not. no, don't you ever ask a woman that. or even worse, assume. it makes said woman leave church crying).
have they had surgeries to remove polyps and find you have so much scar tissue in a fallopian tube that it is shut? eaten perfectly and then felt so much guilt when you had so much as a piece of white bread, that you'd have a breakdown that it was all your fault because you couldn't gain control of your insulin condition that hinders your ovulation? then give up and drink soda like it was going out of style because who really gave a crap anymore? have they taken their temperature every morning at exactly 7 am for never ending months, only for it to describe to you how bleak your hormone situation really is in graph form? and all while feeling like sh*!t because your hormones are out of control? trust me, you give up.
and courtney said, "let me ask you something. do you feel deep down that you will have more children?" i answered confidently, "without a doubt. i've had a couple of sweet experiences of divine communication to that effect." she admitted that had been her experience too, so she gave herself permission to wait on the lord. "faith without works is dead" is a family motto of their dad's, but she reminded me that sometimes when your faith takes so much out of you to cling to, with so many obstacles, the faith IS the work. i felt a peace in my heart. i held her ever, brown eyed miracle #2, born of this now fertile myrtle, and gave myself permission to go on in my patience and wait on the lord.
to my friends who can handle reading more:
i am in the middle of a very heartwrenching internal debate about adoption. grant wants to, like, now. me? well, read about it here: i did a motherhood guest post on a sweet blog. seriously, go read it, i poured my heart out. and i want you let me know what you think and give it to me straight. so yes, for today i am accepting advice...