gosh, i had to write this out and stick it up on my desk. i so struggle with being brave. i struggle with taking chances and following my heart. i struggle the most with fearing failure. i am always afraid to commit to things because i cannot promise you i will not have a nervous breakdown in the middle of said commitment. i quit things.
lately, as much as i have wanted my prayer answers to be things like, "go to such and such infertility clinic and you'll be cured" or "go to this or that adoption agency, there is a baby waiting for you" or "eat only such and such for a few months and you'll conceive"- that is not what is happening. instead, i am feeling prompted, tugged, dragged, even begged by the heavens to go back to school and get that masters in social work i planned on getting in retirement...like, now.
i know that kind of talk to those who don't believe in spiritual guidance, in life "missions", in the holy ghost, in god guiding our lives, is eye-rolling at best and maddening at worst. and that's ok. but i do believe in it. and have seen miracles in my life as i have followed that still, small voice that burns like a fire in my heart- even when what i was feeling to do didn't make sense to anyone else, or even me.
can i tell you something? i hate being home alone all day. oh, i stay busy. my house is spotless, my scriptures are read, i exercise, my hampers always empty. i usually find a way to help someone somehow everyday. i work slowly along on my quilt patterns and such for the etsy shop. i run errands alone. i know, it sounds like a dream life.
i'm bored.
there's more in me. i know there is something else i'm supposed to be doing right now. i feel strongly to stop focusing on getting pregnant for a couple of years. long enough to get my schooling done and begin working on my mental health and substance abuse counseling licensure.
and this declaration begs the question: why do i feel like i have to share with the whole wide web my every agonizing decision? my every heart wrenching acceptance? my every ever-changing plans?
because i am not brave. so here it is world wide web, my promise: i will do what i feel to do, despite the knot of fear in my stomach. despite the wish that i could just have a "cookie cutter" mormon housewife life (does that exist?). i will give up the caution, not worry about failure, and do what i know i am to do right now.
i just received a timely email from an inspired woman who is working on her counseling licensure, and had an unexpected opportunity come up to adopt and took it. unknown to her the baby was drug addicted and required incredible amounts of extra care. at the same time she experienced yet another of many miscarriages. boy, life is hard and messy and my heart ached for her. but the message that she wrote to me at the end of her story was this, and i swear it changed my life:
"you can do both [deal with family and your education and whatever else comes your way] so long as you really want to and are willing to make some sacrifices; i am confident you will do both and you will do them well. it may be stressful at times but i have found not doing the things i feel i am meant to do in life (be a mother and protect children who have been hurt) more stressful than anything."
that is the stress and depression i am fighting right now: i'm not doing what i feel i am meant to do at this point in my life! the denial of that mission is so much harder than what it will take to get it done! is that crazy talk to you? or mind blowing wisdom and answer from heaven like it is to me?
i need to remind myself of a few things, too. forgive me for a moment while i remember who i am and what i've accomplished: i served an honorable and successful mission. i graduated from byu with good grades and a high school teaching credential while spending the majority of my time at one of my two jobs or snowboarding and rock climbing and enriching my life. and because i spent my whole childhood and adolescence developing skills like music, sewing, knitting, and also working hard at paid jobs, i have always been able to find a way to supplement my husband's income without leaving my daughter. from cleaning houses, to teaching piano, to running my successful etsy shop.
when did i forget how capable i am? how strong? i think, for me, infertility made me feel broken. i'm used to being able to do things, and this thing i could not do. i felt broken and then i broke down. it's time to be humble, listen, and trust. accept other paths that i have formerly deemed unacceptable. god knows me and is aware. he has things for me to do while i wait for my other angels. and i know those angels will come. i know it with that very same burning in my heart that has always led me aright. there is time. plenty of time.
what a bold and powerful post. thank you.
be brave, kelly friend. If God is speaking, listen. You were meant to do great things.
this world needs you.
Posted by: likely | October 19, 2011 at 09:05 PM
Hi Kelly. I rarely comment here, but I just wanted to say I that found this post very powerful and that I think you are brave, strong, smart and thoughtful. I think of you a lot out and about in my "real" life and really admire you. I wish you all good things.
Posted by: Mary Beth | October 19, 2011 at 09:37 PM
you are super brave for writing all this out and posting it for all to read. thank you for sharing. I've felt like I am floating along life for a while now and I just went back to school to finish those last classes for my Masters. I felt like I was waiting for something because I felt so unsettled. This song sorta hit the nail on the head for me, as far as where I am and what I need to be doing... not just waiting for something to happen http://youtu.be/J4xm2mtDj2c "We were meat to shine not just survive!"
Posted by: jenn | October 19, 2011 at 10:33 PM
What a beautiful post! It is a good reminder for all of us to do what we are meant to do! Thank you so much for being brave enough to put it out there :)
Posted by: Liz | October 19, 2011 at 10:40 PM
i'll be your first client. smile.
Posted by: heather | October 19, 2011 at 11:55 PM
beautiful. and a great reminder to me. thank-you and good luck to you. follow those promptings!
Posted by: Tisha | October 20, 2011 at 06:37 AM
This was a most awesome and inspiring post. I wanted to clap out loud after I read it. I have been reading your blog for a while and I really admire you. Thanks so much for sharing this today, I think I really needed it!
Posted by: Melissa Carter | October 20, 2011 at 07:18 AM
you can do it kelly.
Posted by: abby | October 20, 2011 at 08:28 AM
You have inspired me this morning...I, too, have not been doing what the Lord has been prompting me to do. I am printing out this post and using it to find the courage to do the thing that takes so much faith and courage and that so many think I am crazy for doing. Thank you for your timely and courageous post.
Posted by: Brooke harkness | October 20, 2011 at 08:58 AM
thank you so much for being so brave. this post meant a lot to me. i don't share your struggles with infertility but i have struggled with depression for almost 10 years now, and it has left me so many times feeling like i can't. "can't" has become kind of an unwanted mantra in my head, i say it to myself without realizing that's what i'm doing. this post is a reminder to me that i am so much more than just a person who is dealing with depression, and i am capable of a lot more than i'm doing right now.
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Posted by: jo | October 20, 2011 at 08:59 AM
i have been reading your blog for years, but have never (been brave enough?) to comment. you are truly awesome. i really admire your ability to self-reflect and articulate it so well to everyone out here reading. you are supported 100% and i look forward to hearing more about your journey.
Posted by: meredith | October 20, 2011 at 09:04 AM
Kelly, this post is so special. I barely know you, have only met you once, and have been reading this blog for a few years now... Reading what you choose to share. I especially love the paragraph where you remind yourself of all you've accomplished & how capable you are. This is how I see you. Smart, capable, talented, kind, and always striving to be better. You've always been an example to me. You are a special woman, and I look forward to watching you stretch yourself.
Lots of love,
Marilyn
Posted by: Marilyn | October 20, 2011 at 09:26 AM
so proud of you.
hey, it's not like you quit everything, you finished college ( I even quit that!) and you have one daughter, so YOU KNOW you can do this and you are NOT broken! I have a great feeling that once you stop focusing on it, it will happen for you! so you go get that degree, you do this for YOU and you keep strong like you are! I have a feeling you will fill up that house with babies!!!!
love to you!
tara
Posted by: tara pollard pakosta | October 20, 2011 at 10:07 AM
Kelly, you are awesome.
Posted by: Nat | October 20, 2011 at 10:53 AM
Go get em gurl.
Posted by: tara | October 20, 2011 at 11:26 AM
Kelly, I'm home feeling under the weather, watching You've Got Mail. A line from the movie just stuck out to me: "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder... do I do it because I like it? Or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book... when shouldn't it be the other way around?"
I really love that. It reminds me to be brave!
Posted by: Marilyn | October 20, 2011 at 01:06 PM
Kelly,
Graduate school has changed my life. It has given me the challenge, the confidence and the validation that I felt like I began to lack after a long, painful road through my twenties. I don't think you'll regret this decision and I think you should go for it. You sound a lot like me so maybe if you start slow and "get your feet wet" by taking just a class or two at the beginning, I'm sure you'll be able to gauge what you're able to handle schedule-wise.
Good luck to you, my internet friend!
Posted by: Tiff | October 20, 2011 at 01:48 PM
You ARE amazing. I totally know what you mean when you talk about it being stressful to ignore the spirit. He knows what is blessed and you will be blessed for trusting Him. Good luck!
Posted by: debbie | October 20, 2011 at 02:00 PM
a couple years before Mom died, she told me that she felt "prompted" to study for her real estate liscense. She had all the books and was studying, but never took the test. She never finished her degree, even though we all know she was an amazing teacher. Why? Probably fear. She was a busy Mom and homemaker too...i think about that a lot. And btw, I am in a similar place right now. I'm admitting it, out loud. What do I want to do when I grow up? That is the question for me.
Posted by: glor | October 20, 2011 at 02:52 PM
Let's be friends.
Posted by: Tamsin | October 20, 2011 at 04:00 PM
posts like this are why yours is one of the few blogs i actually read anymore. love, love, love every word.
really.
a lot.
god bless chica :)
Posted by: Callie | October 20, 2011 at 09:19 PM
Aunt Kelly!
This post alone shows that you should be out doing therapy. Look at all these people you have "helped" with a single blog post. I love you so much and you and CoCo have gotten me through alot of stuff in my life. I appreciate everything you have said to me and think about it all the time. YOU would be the best therapist ever. Sending hot cocoa, hugs, closet prayers and love your way :)
Foo Train
Posted by: Kelsie | October 20, 2011 at 10:39 PM
I think you are awesome! Have you been watching Oprah's Lifeclass? You have some of the same wisdom that she is teaching in this series. Feeling your purpose in life. Finding your calling here on Earth. It might be worth a lookie! :)
Posted by: Kim H. | October 21, 2011 at 11:48 AM
I really admire that you were brave enough to share these thoughts.
I can relate to infertility making you feel broken. Just getting some more life going around here has really helped us.
Your openness and amazing heart will help make you a fantastic social worker. Best of luck with contemplating your new possibilities...
Posted by: Nora | October 21, 2011 at 11:01 PM
Kelly, thank you for the post. The overall tone and progress reminds me yet again why I love 2 Ne 4 more than any other scripture, and find myself turning to it over and over in my life...especially in the difficult moments of self-doubt or discouragement. In that chapter, Nephi's father has just died, his brothers immediately act up and threaten him, and for a moment it's clear Nephi doesn't know what to do, and he seems paralyzed by anger towards his brothers, and maybe a little fear about the future. I love how he walks himself through that moment into something better...starting by realizing he trusts in God, and always has. He recounts the many times God has led him, and then asks himself...if God has been so good to him before, why is he allowing fear and anger to poison him right now. Realizing that path of fear and self doubt leads in only one direction, he commands himself "Awake my soul!"
I think you did the same thing in those last two paragraphs. I've followed that process a number of times...for me it is the process of true realignment and the precursor for learning a path independent of our usual wants and desires, and one more consistent with our greater path.
God bless you on that journey...I for one know He will with an attitude like you've expressed above.
Posted by: dannyk {ablogaboutlove.com} | October 22, 2011 at 08:25 AM
Beautiful, thank you!
Posted by: Nicolle | October 22, 2011 at 04:07 PM
wow, kelly. go seize your dreams and thank god that the door is open now to follow them. ty and i both feel we just aren't doing what we both so badly want to do--he to provide for our family and me to be the molly mormon homemaker. and yet it just isn't in the cards for a while longer. so for now it's more school for him and a long-suffering job for me. everything just seems harder when you're not doing what your heart is crying for you to do. i'm excited for your new adventure!!
Posted by: chelsea | October 23, 2011 at 12:18 AM
beautiful. thanks for sharing.
Posted by: bandreoli | October 23, 2011 at 09:33 AM
Being two weeks away from completing my MSW, and having had our first child during my first quarter of the program, I can relate to what your friend told you in her email. It is difficult to be a mother and go to school, and it does require sacrifice. But for me, I am so glad I did it. I am so glad I will get a picture with my son and my commencement and show him someday so that he can see that I value education. I am glad that I am helping children and families who feel broken. I am grateful that my schooling brought my husband and I closer together through all of the sacrificing and hard work. I served a mission too, and getting my BASW and MSW was a similar experience in that is was difficult (one the the hardest things I've done next to my mission) but the difficulties make me appreciate it so much. Elder M. Russell Ballard taught that to sacrifice is to make something sacred (I wrote about this here: http://ashleyschultz.blogspot.com/2010/04/parenthood.html). I am rambling now but to sum it up, I think going for your MSW sounds awesome! I loved my program and am so glad I did it.
Posted by: Ashley S. | October 24, 2011 at 01:02 AM
P.S. It helps if you have a supportive husband who will edit your papers and stay up late with you while you plow through them. It's a good thing you like to write and are good at it - there will be a lot of it in your future.
Posted by: Ashley S. | October 24, 2011 at 01:09 AM
This is so insightful. Full of lots of good reminders. Agreed, it is hard to be brave --but worth it.
Posted by: Jandee Jones | October 24, 2011 at 11:34 AM
Sounds so familiar--I don't know how I found your blog but I love it's honesty...I too have PCOS, I too am Mormon, I just felt like many of your words could have come from my own head--thank you--it helps to know your not alone:) Here are some of those words in my head...And I think there is a huge amount of bravery in just saying things out loud.
http://twopennybluemom.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/family-and-faith-friday-clarity/
Posted by: AShLee Winterrose | November 05, 2011 at 02:10 PM
Kelly,
I spent 5 grueling years and tens of thousands of dollars, many, many medical procedures and ultimately 2 IVF's to get pregnant with my 7 year old daughter. Some how, after a 3rd surgery to remove endometriosis, my doctor suggested trying clomid one more time (I'd tried it 9 times unsuccesfully) before submitting our adoption papers. It worked, and I have a 4 year old. I know they are both miracles, but I also know the hell you are and have been going through. I will pray that through the power of the internet, and others prayers, a baby will be yours, YOUR baby, will find the family it was meant to be part of. I am profoundly sorry you are going through this. If you ever want to email, please do. I understand. I really do.
Posted by: Tasha Adams | January 17, 2012 at 12:42 AM