back story to this post can be found here.
so i'm always talking about how we've been trying to conceive for eight years and i blab a lot about how i've never felt fully convicted that adoption was my path...yet. and i go on and on about finding my life's purpose, because all i want is to be a mom. but then i talk a lot about the loneliness/ worthlessness/ yucky indulgence that i feel being home alone so many hours of the day, with my one little girl off at school.
and prayers. well, they are always answered, but so often not how we think or would like, of course. it's been months since i began feeling strongly to go to graduate school, and to wait and try for more babies in a few years. NOT what i want to do, mind you, but the feeling wouldn't relent. constant! worse than the year it took me to decide to serve a mission. (i'm slow).
i knew i was to get my master's in social work. i felt prompted to look into USC's program (why? we don't live there!), only to find out their MSW program just became virtual. meaning they would allow a small number of students to skype into their classes, and be placed in their field work positions where they live. an adviser would fly out to meet with you each semester and you would video chat with your professors. what?! yes, please! i hate going to class!! i know byu is right here, but i can't go back there. i can't, heaven help me. what about the u of u? hmm, didn't feel right...but heavenly father, usc is too expensive!
i was particularly confused and upset one day walking around a thrift store. so upset i wasn't even looking at anything, i was just wandering and praying in my heart. i was crying, no less. do i really have to do this? is it worth it to get those kind of student loans? will i even get in? holy crap it's the 8th ranked social work school in the nation. can't i please, please just have a baby? as i asked that, tears streaming down my face, my hand ran along a sweater i couldn't resist touching because i could tell by the sleeve it was hand knit in beautiful yarn. i pulled it out. yep. in orem, utah as i was praying, a hand knit usc sweater was put in my hands. that might be a coincidence or meaningless to you- but i'm a knitter you guys, and god gets what that would do to me. with that sweater he told me yes. yes, you can do it. and yes, you will have a baby. later. and yes, it will wear the sweater of your second alma mater. and that vintage byu onsie you love, too.
i got my acceptance letter yesterday. grant brought me home this huge bouquet of flowers wrapped in "crimson and gold" tissue paper. he's so proud. i got accepted to the accelerated program that will take a year and a half of intense work. it all can be done while cate's at school. i feel a huge weight off my shoulders, the kind of weight release when you know you did the right thing.