[my brother's law firm and his beautiful conference room]
my oldest brother is an attorney (a really good one- if you are in need and live in utah county, his office is on freedom blvd and is so beautiful). after passing the bar years ago, he took the risk of opening his own firm because he chose the stress being both a lawyer and a small business owner over the stress of having a boss. he likes to schedule his own life.
when trying to figure out what to do with all this free time i have now, i really understood his choice, however stressful. i needed to do something i felt was important, that used my talents, without giving up my freedom to schedule my own life or the ability to be a mother first.
decision process: 1. i knew i had to get out of the freaking house, where i am alone more often than not. being a wellness counselor at good earth wasn't cutting it- a constantly changing schedule with almost no notice and consisitently too many hours= no. 2. despite my passion for my certified teaching subjects: health and psychology, i won't sign any high school contract because of the lack of flexibility. i think i'd need mental health days more often than they would prefer i called for subs. 3. i don't feel like my handmade work is it for me, especially because it doesn't solve the problem of getting out of the freaking house. 4. there came strong feelings in my heart to return to school for further education in the mental health field. (and that settled it).
we are similar, my brother and i: it's freedom over security for us. i would rather take the stress of running a therapy practice on my terms than have someone else dictate my freedom, or rather, lack of. we have a love of learning and constant reading but dislike of formal learning institutions. we like a comfy space to work in- his office is equipped with an upstairs apartment where he relaxes to movies and classic rock records while writing depositions, rather than a life sucking crap space someone else designed. we both fight through anxiety and panic, but don't give into it out of sheer will to live the life we want regardless of our weaknesses. because i know he fights many of the same demons i do, and knows how to relax and work the way i also need to, i trust his advice.
he has been the most supportive of me going back to school. i was so scared. it's been a long time, and i am NOT good at doing what, or being where, i'm told to. i texted him, "i'm scared, i think i might actually have to study now." he texted back "ya, law school was a wake up call for me too. no worries." which i took to mean, i know you're smart enough and you'll get it done, just step it up a little. something i needed to hear so bad.
he also mentioned that in a few years after passing my own licensure exams i might as well get the doctorate. confidence in me! how i needed to hear that! i am maria getting off the bus to ring the door bell of the von trapp family. my brother was the reverend mother saying this isn't the life you planned, god has shut a door for awhile, but somewhere he's opened a window. climb every mountain! his support, (and grant's), has meant so much.
i just finished my first morning of msw classes. want to know how it went? like riding a bike. a big, pain in the arse bike. but, i just picked up cate from school after my classes were done and my little girl has no idea that anything is different in our world. so, all is well. i know it will be hard, and i know i will do just fine. thanks, brett.