i have a wonderful therapist. she has helped me reduce the frequency and severity of my panic attacks. all crazy phobias that were paralyzing me are gone. completely. most important to me, i sleep like a baby. i was struggling so horribly with insomnia and anxious nightly obsessing that when the sun would start to go down my heart would start pounding in anticipation of the horrible hours to come. no longer. now i look forward to cozying grant and drifting off peacefully to sleep every night.
another huge change has to do with putting myself out there. meaning, physically out of my house as well as being available for relationships. i was so consumed for awhile with the fear that i backed off from every friend, rarely left my house, didn't answer emails that weren't absolutely necessary, didn't make eye contact with anyone at church, and forget the phone- no answering, ever.
i find myself craving to get back into the land of the living. to me, it is a huge sign of wellness. it had become painful to come home from a social function and over analyze what i had done wrong. now, i am making plans with people. i am dropping in on old friends. i am commenting on blogs. i am introducing myself at church. i trust myself, and care less about my idiosyncrasies.
i have always been very interested and touched by comments made here on my blog- with no ability to make a connection to the person. a change i am making is now trying to be more present in the comment section and thank you and try to get to know you and answer questions. chat with me! i really think i have the ability to let people in again.
yesterday i blogged about one of the things we are working on now- compulsive behaviors to calm anxiety (cleaning, not allowing clutter). ms. therapist says we'll have it licked in a (large) handful of sessions. i believe her. she hasn't lied to me yet.
i freak out every time i read your blog because it feels like reading my own thoughts and seeing my own idiosyncrasies! i currently experience many of the same things you write about, particularly the anxiety, compulsive behaviors, and the inability to love yourself. however, this post is the only one where i felt envy. don't get me wrong... totally happy for you, but sad that i haven't found my help path. i have tried the therapy route but haven't found anyone that i feel like i connect with or can get on the same page with. any suggestions on finding the right therapist? or books that will help with the same type of issues? i'm tired of sinking over here, and would love advice from someone actually overcoming it. and seriously, yea for you. :)
Posted by: Jennifer | May 02, 2012 at 10:47 PM
I love how open and honest you are on your blog.
Posted by: Ashley S. | May 02, 2012 at 11:23 PM
Ditto what Jennifer said. I've been going to therapy for a few months for nearly the same issues, but I'm not feeling much better. Do you mind sharing how your therapist helps you? This is my first time in therapy so I have nothing to compare it to.
Posted by: Elle | May 02, 2012 at 11:27 PM
Thanks for sharing this... (I'm a long-time reader, and a very lurky one, sorry...) My sister's book was just released and I organized a blog carnival for her for our friends/bloggers to participate in and your post here just fits perfectly with the theme of beautiful changes (her book is called Any Day a Beautiful Change, which is a line from an Innocence Mission song).
Anyway. That is way convoluted, but you should check out the anchor post where people are starting to link their pieces about beautiful changes in their own lives--it is such inspiring reading. And maybe you would consider linking this too! You can find it at http://www.kewp.blogspot.com/2012/05/any-may-beautiful-change.html
(end long and rambling comment from virtual stranger)
: )
Posted by: Elizabeth | May 02, 2012 at 11:33 PM
this post brings me so much hope tonight. thank you. ♥
Posted by: angie | May 02, 2012 at 11:44 PM
I got your package yesterday and it not only made MY day....it made Hallie's WEEK! Thank you so much! She immediately stripped off her clothes and put the dress on. We love it, you're the best. THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Posted by: Sara H. | May 03, 2012 at 02:08 AM
Off topic- but I am a long time reader of your blog and C Janes, and saw your comment to her last post and I commented to you there but I am not sure if you will see it. So I will say it here.
Everything you said is spot on to what I was thinking. I am from a blue color home with 11 kids and raised in SC. I can't get on any feminist bandwagon for the same reason, I never thought I was unequal. And everything else you said.... touche.
Posted by: Lorinda | May 03, 2012 at 07:00 AM
your peace pleases me to no end. xox
Posted by: cristie | May 03, 2012 at 08:38 AM
jennifer and elle- i have a lot to say about this, should i just post about it tonight? let me think. maybe i'll just email you or come back and comment.
sara- you're weeellllcccoomme!
lorinda- THANK YOU for getting it. and the point you made i wish i would've expressed too, it's about the Lord's plan for you. such narrow expectations of your kids! even if it's education! teach them to follow the spirit!!! the spirit does tell us to get educated, as do the prophets, but there is an individual plan for all of us. and where is all this inferiority coming from in a daughter of god's heart? i struggle to feel that men are as good as us :)
Posted by: kelly mccaleb | May 03, 2012 at 08:58 AM
It's true. Your blog has always been freaky in the way that what you're feeling is so relateable but explained in a way I can't ever seem to pinpoint myself. Also, my aunt is a leading EMDR therapist in utah (ut county based) and has worked wonders in our family alone. Thanks for sharing your thoughts...it's crazy how over the years of following blogs you pare it down to only a few that really touch you and how over several years you think you know a person even though the relationship is one-sided. I know we are all made of both strength and struggle and no one really knows what's happening inside us but I'm grateful to those who share and open themselves up to the rest of us who wonder about ourselves. I've had dreams about you holding a baby in your arms and cried with you. I've thought about what I could possibly make you for a baby gift that you couldn't make better yourself, but I just wanted you to know that my hope is always right there along with yours! Most of our progress waxes and wanes with time but I do believe in accumulating something invaluable that only comes with time and that is experience. It's what makes getting older worth it, isn't it?
Posted by: Jourdan | May 03, 2012 at 10:29 AM
dear kelly, you are one of my favorites and i wish we were neighbors. it makes me happy to hear you are doing well and sleeping and just being. thanks for being here in this space bc it is inspiring.
Posted by: natalie | May 03, 2012 at 10:51 AM
This is so wonderful. Amazing. Hopeful. I can relate to closing off, shutting people out. My BFF moved, leaving me with no one left, as everyone has moved and I've stopped putting myself out there. Sucks. I've begun making the same steps you've mentioned, and it helps. Considering a therapist also... SO glad things are working out for you.
Posted by: shannon m | May 03, 2012 at 10:57 AM
Kelly, I can relate so so so so so so ooooooo much to this.
Sometimes I feel like we were separated at birth. So many parallel things. I could have written this.
Posted by: Tara | May 03, 2012 at 11:17 AM
My recovery started when I started seeing a therapist. She helped me to see so many things about myself that I had never realized. She helped me to see that I was not bad because I was not perfect. I think you are incredibly brave. I appreciate your honesty. I wish more people could be honest- then everyone would realize we are all in this together, the good, bad, and the ugly.
Posted by: Beth | May 03, 2012 at 05:10 PM
jourdan- besides that being the nicest comment of ALL time, i must know who your aunt is?! maybe she's my therapist or someone i want as a mentor!
shannon- i think i'm going to post about how to find a therapy/ home study that works for you. hope it will help. it's so weird, our whole lives we go to school and church activities and are with our peers all day, and then we become women in a house. and i love being a homemaker, but the social aspect of our lives leaves emptiness a lot.
tara- loves you.
Posted by: kelly mccaleb | May 03, 2012 at 07:56 PM
beth- i'm so glad you could find healing, it is rare. most people aren't willing to do the hard emotional work, i've been told by my therapist. i don't feel brave at all. this is life! we all have so much to work on, so much dysfunction from this modern world! who is anyone else trying to fool?
Posted by: kelly mccaleb | May 03, 2012 at 07:57 PM
Oh my gosh, I am amazed you are this way. This is ME! Going to church/activities, etc. with all those people completely overwhelms me. I am thrilled that you are where you are now!
Funny thing - my house is a mess but I actually finally thought that maybe I could stay on top of it by becoming obsessive about it when I read your blog about it. (Because I am great at being obsessive.) Probably not the best way to go about it, but hey, my house could get clean. I would love to know who your therapist is because I have had a hard time finding a good one for me and my son, but I understand if you don't want to share in a public place. Again, I am thrilled for your progress! You are awesome.
Posted by: Natalie | May 04, 2012 at 01:11 AM
Sorry for the second comment, but your post just makes me want to go on and on because I don't feel so alone in my struggles with fears of letting people in. I seem to be able to email, comment, etc. but real life or phone... no way. I am extremely curious how your therapist helped you sleep because I literally have not slept at night, or through the night for at least 15 years. (I think part of it is that it is safe from people in the night!) If you are so inclined, please share.
Posted by: Natalie | May 04, 2012 at 01:20 AM
Hi Kelly-
First, I can tell you are extra special person. Your blog was so helpful. I am am a blogger, but have never let myself be quite so vulnerable as your blog is, but I suffer your same conflicts. It takes effort sometimes to walk out my front door, forget about emails and worse, returning calls. Can't do it because that would call for me having to RETURN the call! I have been going to a psychologist but have really balked at the idea of a therapist. Your blog today, helped me to realize that it may not be so horrible.
I also saw your comment on CJane and share many of your same thoughts, I just can't buy into some stuff because I have never felt unequal. Growing up, work, marriage, I've never felt subordinate and have always felt close to the gospel and my Father in heaven. Thank you for that comment as I have wrestled with wondering if I was being too apathetic to this whole idea of feminism. It's hard to be an activist when I just don't feel repressed. Thank you again for your honesty.
Courage. That is the word I leave with you as i try ans keep it close to my thoughts lately. Keep inspiring.
Posted by: KC | May 04, 2012 at 03:36 AM
Same. I am going thru this very thing.It is so lonely and exhausting. I hate wasting time even thinking about it. Thanks for the hope. Xo
Posted by: Alicia | May 04, 2012 at 01:08 PM
Kelly, this: our whole lives we go to school and church activities and are with our peers all day, and then we become women in a house. and i love being a homemaker, but the social aspect of our lives leaves emptiness a lot.
YES! I still haven't adjusted to having all my kids in school (been a couple years, but still). First time in my life that I haven't had someone to eat lunch with every day, and it's killing me.
The thought of going back to school is enticing. I have no idea what to study though. :P
Posted by: shannon m | May 04, 2012 at 03:43 PM
Natalie- nO NO NO! I used to fantasize about eating disorders because I'm so good at obsessing I thought that would work well for me. NONONONONO! haha, I know you're kidding. I've decided to definitely share what has worked for me. Stay tuned.
Posted by: kelly mccaleb | May 04, 2012 at 09:57 PM
KC- I've licked the email/ call problem like this: (and don't get me wrong I still hate it) but I set a timer for say, 20 minutes and do "power emailing" and "power calling" fast as I can. when it dings i'm done. i don't think about it again for a day or two. it's a rule, and i like to have rules for my anxious things, because when it's not power call time, i don't have to call anyone. it's the rule! try that.
also, thanks for the support on the cjane comment. i wasn't trying to challenge- courtney is a friend of mine and i love her, i just really want to know how to help my daughter grow up without bitterness. i don't feel this is an issue lds women should feel so defensive about- we are reverenced, if only by god! the rest is mortal b.s.
Posted by: kelly mccaleb | May 04, 2012 at 10:02 PM
shannon- i know you have to be so busy with all your kids and photography. the problem is in the giving ourselves permission to just be. to meet up with people for lunch, to not feel guilty doing things for ourselves. it's hard to overcome that, especially when when you feel like doing something, you don't even know who to call?! i have the same problem. do you live by a temple? i swear i have been going crazy amounts because whether friends or not, at least i'm around other women and i feel like i did something worthwhile with my time. added bonus= major clarity and feelings of gods love. i like iniatories best for the interaction with the old ladies :)
Posted by: kelly mccaleb | May 04, 2012 at 10:05 PM
I love reading your blog. Thanks so much for writing. I've had it up to here with so many other blogs, but I keep coming back here because it's so soothing to read. My struggles are different from yours, but so much of what you say strikes a chord with me. So keep it up!
Posted by: Kristy | May 04, 2012 at 10:32 PM
you are speaking to my soul. it is kind of crazy how all of this can just rear up its' head in our adult years. I am speaking for myself, but I wasn't always this way, but as the years have passed I have become disturbingly anxious. I have recently been doing a LOT of reading and have begun to crack the code on why I act the way I do. I wish we could talk for the reals. I have a lot going on in my head right now and I just need someone to help me know where to go next.
Posted by: likely | May 06, 2012 at 08:33 PM
i don't know if my house would ever be clean if it weren't for anxiety calming needs. Is that a problem? ha
Posted by: heather | May 09, 2012 at 05:42 AM
Would you be willing to share the name of your therapist? I would love for my daughter to find some relief from her anxiety related insomnia....
Thanks for the post......just found you today.
Posted by: Christie | May 14, 2012 at 10:24 PM
Thank you for your courage and honesty. It's very inspiring!
Posted by: Katherine | May 15, 2012 at 12:15 PM
christie- yep, a lot of people have emailed me about it. i don't know that what worked for me will work for everyone, but i'm working on a post about my experiences in making this progress. might take me a bit :)
Posted by: kelly mccaleb | May 15, 2012 at 12:48 PM
i just re-visited this post with a fresh perspective. i've met with karen and now feel hope like you wrote about here. thank you, thank you again for sharing your experiences here as well as for sharing karen's contact info. i'm finding myself on the same path of healing and am DE.LIGHTED. THANKS AGAIN!
Posted by: Jennifer | July 11, 2012 at 10:33 PM