right now i want to wipe the window sills

i don't have a lot of knick knacks- if something makes it home with me from the thrift store it's because it has stolen a piece of my heart. this spoon holder on my stove is one of my very favorite things i own. but there is great irony in it: my house is spotless. always.

and i mean that in a bad way. i'm obsessive. i dust every day. i hate dust. it actually makes me physically sick when i look at my blinds or my baseboards. they refuse to stay dustless. i've been called the drink dumper many times because i don't even let people finish their glass before it's in the dishwasher. the rate at which bathtubs get grimy makes me so angry. i clean constantly. as it is, i don't want to be this way.

but, super problem: my life is about to get much, much busier. i have to lower the bar. i have to be able to go to bed without perfect cleanliness and all the laundry done. i don't know if i can. i can't function in disorder. what do i do? what? i need help. help!

Comments

[jenna]

you will do your best. and you will learn to let that be good enough. invest your time in what your heart values versus your head. remind yourself of this all.of.the.time. my need for organization to feel in control of my life is a daily struggle. however, i try to remind myself that at the end of the day, i would rather lay in bed and be bothered by a dirty floor then by the fact that i chose to clean it rather than be attentive to my daughter. i will never have to regret ignoring the floor. and congrats on taking the leap!

[Jennifer]

if you figure it out, then please blog about it! it is truly a dilemma for people who share this personality trait.

[Ashley S.]

I had to learn to let my house go a bit (okay, kind of a lot) while in grad school. It's all about priorities.

[Ashley S.]

And your sanity.

[ahmoothaa]

hmm...sounds serious:)...have a friend who will constantly mop even while having friends over at her place:(

[kelly mccaleb]

ahmoothaa- it really is. no one should be so keyed up that dirt makes them feel ill. it's obvious that i'm headed straight for counting steps and washing hands a hundred times a day. (actually i already wash my hands waaaay too much)!

jennifer- i will work on it with my therapist and let you know. i believe we should live in houses of order and cleanliness but anxiety shouldn't dictate that, happiness should. and like ashley said, where your current priorities are.

[Jessica]

Study somewhere other than your home.

Or, as a social work education tends to do, you'll start saying "it is what it is" a lot more. And you'll actually start believing it!

[Beth]

I found that the feelings that come with ocd housecleaning, at least for me, were the same that came with my eating disorder. This need for control- a fear that my life would fall apart if I didn't do or have things a certain way. I can now recognize those feelings when they creep in. Moderation in everything. Is it important to have a tidy house, yes. It is when it becomes more important that people or irrational that it becomes a problem. If my house was as clean as I wanted, I would spend all day cleaning and my children would be horribly neglected. That is what I try to rememeber when those thoughts come. It can't be more important than them.

[kelly mccaleb]

jessica- excellent suggestions. i'm going to have to find a happy place i can go and forget about my house, that will work. and you're right, hopefully as i'm learning how to view the world more healthfully i will too!

beth- ok, so i met with my therapist today and that's exactly what she said. we are working on the issues behind it (they were very easy to find) so i can learn moderation/ finding middle ground (people with anxiety are not good at middle ground- everything is all or nothing). but thank you for sharing, that makes so much sense to me.

[Kim H.]

I think you are awesome!!! Hugs! :)

[Jess Cudzilo]

I was once told to take what I had anxiety over and imagine it on "the other side." So for instance, a trashed bedroom due to travel and being busy (something I hate!) - imagine my room totally clean, knowing that it will get that way, just not in that moment. A hard convo that needs to take place - instead of losing sleep stressing about it, imagine the two of you on the other side closer and more connected because the convo went so well. This little tip has actually helped me so much. So, when you're studying and you look over at the mound of laundry imagine if folded and put away. It will get done, just not in that moment when it's not the higher priority. Hope this helps. xo :)

[kelly mccaleb]

oh jess, that sounds so hard. i will try. i will definitely try!