some journaling

th 5/17- cate stayed home from school feeling sick. i was planning on beginning a large paper i had to write. but she required a lot of tending to. plus, i wasn't feeling quite right...

fr 5/18- cate and i both puked everywhere. grant stayed home from work to take care of us. i was either asleep or throwing up all day. i ate a few crackers and drank some gatorade. had no idea where cate was, but grant was on it. i heard the washer and dryer going a lot. i remembered what it feels like to be pregnant and in a sweaty room spinning moment of misery thanked heavenly father for infertility.

sa 5/19- cate missed her last soccer game and we both slept the last of the yuckies off. grant went grocery shopping, ran several other errands, cleaned the house, answered our every craving, and in general was superman. he also went to work at the church welfare farm as a service project, helped a neighbor lay sod as a service project, and stopped and changed a tire for two ladies who didn't speak english and were panicking (as a service project). he's like, i don't even know. amazing.

su 5/20- made it through the first hour of church, felt weak and cate and i headed back to bed. in horror i realized that paper i was planning on working on for three days was due by 10 pm that night, even though i don't do homework on the sabbath. emergencies happen, though, and with the clock ticking i researched and wrote for nine hours without a break. it was worse than the sweaty puking. after i turned it in i had a ton of reading and work to do for my classes the next day. stayed up till the wee wee hours.

mo 5/21- early morning i got cate up and off to school, and then barely made it through my own school. prayed constantly for the holy ghost to guide my comments through my classes, as usual, because said classes are intense round tables on subjects where a mormon's views are not desired. as usual, the holy ghost came through and i felt what to say and what not to say. even better, i felt respect being earned, slowly but surely. family home evening that night was going out to dinner which induced guilt. (i am a firm believer that that is not family home evening. a discussion and spiritual evening at home is. fun should be involved, of course. just my opinion). more late night homework.

tu 5/22- prayed-through class again. then pet day at cate's school. coco and i brought dottie the dog and then ate a crapload of del taco while we watched kristin wiig's last snl on the dvr. cried through ruby tuesday at the end (did you? i keep hearing that song in my head and getting sad again). after coco left, cate and i talked and shared some funny jokes, had a good mom moment. then i sat down on my bed. it was 4:30. i don't know what happened but the next thing i knew it was 7:30 and i was awoken by cate making copies of a circus program she had created with puppets. i panicked that she had missed activity days at church and had no dinner made for her (grant had to work late making up for friday). she told me no biggie, and she had made her own dinner. i hid and cried in sadness that i'm going to have to lower my bar...like...a lot.

tu 5/22 middle of the night- i felt better when grant talked in his sleep; that always cheers me up cause it's hi-larious. his big six foot self stood up on the bed and was pressing buttons on the wall. i said, "whatcha doing babe?" (i hate to wake him up, i love to see how it plays out). he said in a frustrated tone, "shhh! i am fixing the main navigation shelf!" i tried not to laugh as i asked, "are you still at work doing GIS or are you working on the millennium falcon?" which woke him up and he sheepishly laughed, laid down, and fell back asleep. it was awesome.

we 5/23- had a good, long prayer. everything is good. great even. bars get lowered sometimes, it's humbling, that's ok. we keep going. i keep telling myself what a difference a year will make! that makes me feel really good, how fast time goes. i am going to make a chain for all the weeks i have left of school (58) that's not so daunting, is it?! (we won't discuss the thousands of hours of counseling i have to do after, before i can be licensed). coco stopped by and we were both dressed like die hard guns n roses fans without planning. we are die hard guns n roses fans but it made us laugh a lot. we laughed for a few hours about lots and lots of things and it renewed my spirit. then, i got information about my social work field placement and i am very pleased. i will be working in one of the arenas i am most passionate about: substance abuse rehabilitation. it will be hard because it is court ordered and low budget: women trying to just jump through the hoops so they can get their kids out of foster care (as opposed to seeking help by choice). but a few women do decide sobriety is actually important in the long run. i will be very happy to help facilitate that decision for anyone in any way i can.

right now- life has a lot of meaning, growth opportunities, and no extra time to be depressed. grant is my hero and cate is my constant source of smiles. i am very, very grateful.

Comments

[heather]

good update. now i don't need to be mad that you haven't skyped me. That is hysterrical about grant. Did he say that he wanted to go into town to get a power converter. ha

[Valerie]

Enjoyed dropping by...it's been a while since I've been able to visit blog friends! I also enjoyed your journal update...your comment about praying before sharing thoughts publicly in class resonated with me...As a Roman Catholic, I often feel resistance and experience awkward stares/comments from friends or classmates who do not understand how or why I practice my faith...and take the philosophical stands that I do.

[Shannon]

I think you are inspiring and wonderfully refreshing. Maybe because I see so much of myself in you. Thank you for the beautiful honesty in this post!

[communikate]

I loved this. I really like how straight up you are about life. No sugar coating it.

And as for that SNL skit, I could cry just thinking about it too.

[ellen patton]

You are super real and I love that. I smiled when I read about the paper chain with 58 links on it. :) That's awesome.

[Tara]

This is full and happy and pleasure and pain. LIFE.
I am so proud of you for living it.

[kelly mccaleb]

heather- i totally thought that, that's the voice he said it in, a frustrated young luke. so funny.

valerie- it is so frustrating in the academic world! they refuse to acknowledge that most of this country is religious and they have a right to their views. they act so superior and enlightened. your values and good life of service to god and your fellowman mean nothing to them. i am being super generalizing, of course, but i appreciate your comment so much.

shannon- thank you for the kindness!

kate- i'm glad someone knew what i was talking about about snl! so sad when she was dancing with everyone :(

ellen- i'm wondering if you think 58 is a lot or a little? i can't decide.

tara- you don't know what that comment means to me, because i've been avoided life for so long. like, i'm choked up. i love you.

[jo]

ok, a few things:
i totally sobbed through the end of snl, but the song that's stuck in my head now is "she's a rainbow" instead of "ruby tuesday". wasn't it good? i love kristen wiig.
glad you're feeling better.
i'm sorry about the academic environment you find yourself in now. but i've followed your blog for a long time, so i know that if there's anyone who can be a smart, inspired, voice of reason and example of us mormons, it's you.
my husband talks in his sleep too! one night after we'd only been married a little while, he sat up in bed in the middle of the night and shouted, "honey, i'm home!" and then rolled over and went back to sleep. i always get a huge kick out of whatever he says and does in his sleep, too.
anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this blog. love it!

[kelly mccaleb]

jo- yes! another snl fan. so sad. as far as usc, i knew that's how it would be. grant gave me a blessing that scared the crap out of me and how much i was expected to oppose incorrect thought. so thanks for your confidence! what a great way to grow in learning to daily rely on he spirit, though. i love sleep talkers! i'm so glad i married one :) you got lucky too!

[em]

you amaze me.

[alicia king]

i think somehow from switching to google reader from blog lines, i lost you last year...but now i found you again...love your blog!

[glor]

I love Grant's dream story...did you see the Star Wars yoga thing I posted on pinterest for you? xoxox

[april kennedy]

loved this! I love coming by often. we are often on the same page although in very different circumstances!

I've been feeling strongly about my handmade shop being put on hold. i loved your most recent post. it confirmed what the spirit has been whispering to me. hard to do though!

my hubby used to have hilarious jump out of bed dreams too. I miss those. I loved a good belly laugh in the middle of the night and then again the next morning.

we are foster parents! we have two little babies...siblings...7 months and 19 months. mom is really wanting better life for her children and it makes my heart so so happy. she wants our help and we are building a great relationship with her. doesn't happen too often...but it is a good thing because these babies will forever be a part of me and she wants us to be their second family! :) Love the career you are pursuing.

And sorry this is so long. I know we have never met but I like you and you inspire me.

[Stephanie]

I need that GNFR shirt. Need