balance is hard.
i can do nothing right now outside of my school obligations. and making sure i have clean underwear and gas in my car. and making my bed so i have somewhere to sit and write papers.
my field placement (a nice name for an incredibly stressful job for which you don't get paid) is so stretching, so hard, and so exactly where i am supposed to be. this is what i am meant to do with my extra time. it really is. my family first. then helping the addicted and mentally ill. that's it. oh i guess i'll knit while i watch a movie to relax at night... someday.
right now: so much happens. everyday. so many epiphanies, so many impressions, so many lightbulb moments, so many inches of soul growth. i want to document it so bad. there's a lot of things i want to do so bad.
i've struggled my whole life with discipline and structure and self-control. right now i cannot stop oscillating my thoughts between internal pep talks that say, "you can exercise, you can record everything you're learning, you can have personal time: you just need to structure your day and wake up early", and then the opposite, "this is a temporary, small season of your life, it is okay to immerse yourself and do what you need to do to get through it. you need as much sleep as possible, and no more rules and things to do. stop trying so hard, let go, flip off your homework, who cares about grades".
which one of me is right? the dictator or the wild-child? i lay at the bottom of the ocean in my mind, in peacefulness, and look up at the waves. those waves are my dictator and wild-child arguing. i look up and just observe. i honor their good desires. i honor my dictator who makes sure my homework gets done even if it takes all night. i honor my wild child who makes sure i take a break and sleep in.
and deep, deep, deep in the water i live in peace.