my happy little life

spiritual guidance and bravery

gosh, i had to write this out and stick it up on my desk. i so struggle with being brave. i struggle with taking chances and following my heart. i struggle the most with fearing failure. i am always afraid to commit to things because i cannot promise you i will not have a nervous breakdown in the middle of said commitment. i quit things.

lately, as much as i have wanted my prayer answers to be things like, "go to such and such infertility clinic and you'll be cured" or "go to this or that adoption agency, there is a baby waiting for you" or "eat only such and such for a few months and you'll conceive"- that is not what is happening. instead, i am feeling prompted, tugged, dragged, even begged by the heavens to go back to school and get that masters in social work i planned on getting in retirement...like, now.

i know that kind of talk to those who don't believe in spiritual guidance, in life "missions", in the holy ghost, in god guiding our lives, is eye-rolling at best and maddening at worst. and that's ok. but i do believe in it. and have seen miracles in my life as i have followed that still, small voice that burns like a fire in my heart- even when what i was feeling to do didn't make sense to anyone else, or even me.

can i tell you something? i hate being home alone all day. oh, i stay busy. my house is spotless, my scriptures are read, i exercise, my hampers always empty. i usually find a way to help someone somehow everyday. i work slowly along on my quilt patterns and such for the etsy shop. i run errands alone. i know, it sounds like a dream life.

i'm bored.

there's more in me. i know there is something else i'm supposed to be doing right now. i feel strongly to stop focusing on getting pregnant for a couple of years. long enough to get my schooling done and begin working on my mental health and substance abuse counseling licensure.

and this declaration begs the question: why do i feel like i have to share with the whole wide web my every agonizing decision? my every heart wrenching acceptance? my every ever-changing plans?

because i am not brave. so here it is world wide web, my promise: i will do what i feel to do, despite the knot of fear in my stomach. despite the wish that i could just have a "cookie cutter" mormon housewife life (does that exist?). i will give up the caution, not worry about failure, and do what i know i am to do right now.

i just received a timely email from an inspired woman who is working on her counseling licensure, and had an unexpected opportunity come up to adopt and took it. unknown to her the baby was drug addicted and required incredible amounts of extra care. at the same time she experienced yet another of many miscarriages. boy, life is hard and messy and my heart ached for her. but the message that she wrote to me at the end of her story was this, and i swear it changed my life:

"you can do both [deal with family and your education and whatever else comes your way] so long as you really want to and are willing to make some sacrifices; i am confident you will do both and you will do them well. it may be stressful at times but i have found not doing the things i feel i am meant to do in life (be a mother and protect children who have been hurt) more stressful than anything."

that is the stress and depression i am fighting right now: i'm not doing what i feel i am meant to do at this point in my life! the denial of that mission is so much harder than what it will take to get it done! is that crazy talk to you? or mind blowing wisdom and answer from heaven like it is to me?

i need to remind myself of a few things, too. forgive me for a moment while i remember who i am and what i've accomplished: i served an honorable and successful mission. i graduated from byu with good grades and a high school teaching credential while spending the majority of my time at one of my two jobs or snowboarding and rock climbing and enriching my life. and because i spent my whole childhood and adolescence developing skills like music, sewing, knitting, and also working hard at paid jobs, i have always been able to find a way to supplement my husband's income without leaving my daughter. from cleaning houses, to teaching piano, to running my successful etsy shop.

when did i forget how capable i am? how strong? i think, for me, infertility made me feel broken. i'm used to being able to do things, and this thing i could not do. i felt broken and then i broke down. it's time to be humble, listen, and trust. accept other paths that i have formerly deemed unacceptable. god knows me and is aware. he has things for me to do while i wait for my other angels. and i know those angels will come. i know it with that very same burning in my heart that has always led me aright. there is time. plenty of time.

i have sympathy clomid pains

my little sister, also pcos cursed, is taking a high dose of clomid right now. and she's going nutzo. and although i am not taking the drug currently, i have, i remember it, and i'm highly sensitive to suggestion (especially by nicole). i have started to go nutzo too. i'm even gaining weight with her! so i need a few days off. i have to spend all my free time having depressed/ angry/ hilarious phone conversations with her.

ps- nicole and her husband have had a rough start. tyler had a stroke soon after they were married. after he recovered they started trying for kids, and five years later still nothing. she's feeling especially emotional and clomiderific right now- so all our fam and friends and anyone whose ever received her gifted hair care, would you keep her in your prayers? thanks.

mother's day weekend post #2- the most beautiful thing:

happily growing and feeding a new life.

i lovelovelove pregnant bellies. i love women who love carrying babies and are ready to dedicate their life to teaching those babies to be good humans.

when i need a boost, i look at beautiful images like these. and then i keep on truckin.

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thank you for all the comments/ emails. some words were exactly what i needed to hear right now. i am inspired.

mother's day weekend post #1: an update on my womb

to my friends in infertility, i have a few questions:

were you ever able to conceive? how long did it take? if so, did you experience secondary infertility? have you tried or succeeded at adopting? how did you make that decision? are you worried about making the decision to adopt? where are you at in that process? is your condition with hope of ever conceiving on your own, or permanent no way? does the advice people give you help or make you feel misunderstood? how much money have you dumped into unsuccessful procedures? how many times have you just said, forget it, i'm not worrying about it anymore? how long does that cycle last for you? how interested/ obsessed to you get in trying to control everything  you put in your body for the best chance of conceiving? how do you know/ get answers for the next step you should take? when do you decide to stop intervening and trust that god will provide a child for you, if in his loving omniscience, it is his will?

to all my friends, i have a few comments:

i had the most stimulating talk with miss cjane the other day. (i just love you courtney). the truths that were expressed between us gave me a new confidence and perspective and uplifting, also known as edification. unless you live under a rock, you know that it took her five years of unexplained infertility to conceive. people gave her so much advice- particularly to just "enjoy it" while it was just her and her husband's special time that she began to blog under that fun and irritating encouragement. many judged her need to just let go and let god be in control, feeling she should have been more aggressive in her medical treatments (and i am assuming adoption inquiries as well). i told her, yes. that is where i'm at. i'm exhausted and people tell me what to do.

i've done a lot of things. they didn't work. i've been through the ringer emotionally and physically. i can basically handle the advice i get daily, with a smile and genuine gratitude for the giver who cares about me... but all of it is so overwhelming. i promise you, those people didn't gain 40 pounds and nearly need to be checked into a psych ward while on chlomid, only for it not to work. (and consequently had everyone from the costco workers to women at church jumping for joy at my fat belly. "you finally conceived," they'd say! when i most definitely had not. no, don't you ever ask a woman that. or even worse, assume. it makes said woman leave church crying).

have they had surgeries to remove polyps and find you have so much scar tissue in a fallopian tube that it is shut? eaten perfectly and then felt so much guilt when you had so much as a piece of white bread, that you'd have a breakdown that it was all your fault because you couldn't gain control of your insulin condition that hinders your ovulation? then give up and drink soda like it was going out of style because who really gave a crap anymore? have they taken their temperature every morning at exactly 7 am for never ending months, only for it to describe to you how bleak your hormone situation really is in graph form? and all while feeling like sh*!t because your hormones are out of control? trust me, you give up.

and courtney said, "let me ask you something. do you feel deep down that you will have more children?" i answered confidently, "without a doubt. i've had a couple of sweet experiences of divine communication to that effect." she admitted that had been her experience too, so she gave herself permission to wait on the lord. "faith without works is dead" is a family motto of their dad's, but she reminded me that sometimes when your faith takes so much out of you to cling to, with so many obstacles, the faith IS the work. i felt a peace in my heart. i held her ever, brown eyed miracle #2, born of this now fertile myrtle, and gave myself permission to go on in my patience and wait on the lord.

to my friends who can handle reading more:

i am in the middle of a very heartwrenching internal debate about adoption. grant wants to, like, now. me? well, read about it here: i did a motherhood guest post on a sweet blog. seriously, go read it, i poured my heart out. and i want you let me know what you think and give it to me straight. so yes, for today i am accepting advice...

my clark kent

i love my husband's hair. he looks like superman.

grant and i have a dream: we have four little boys named clark, peter, bruce, and logan. we really like super heroes. oh i want little grants so desperately. you know, crazy little brown haired green eyed boys who think   they're batman.

(i don't know where this pic is from, do you?)

i have tried and tried to get grant to let me name a little boy anakin but he refuses, saying we cannot name our child after a sith lord. but i say, anakin was a trusting and confused good hearted jedi, who darth vador betrayed and murdered. and he eventually came back to bring balance to the force by killing the emperor.

what's up nerds?

and nothing makes grant more mad than when i beg for a son named jed isaac. you know, so he can be jed i. mccaleb, rad! but the argument is always settled by the realization that we can't ever ever get pregnant no matter how hard we try. so, you know, moot point. but boy do i want a little dude with this haircut (and smirk):

(this picture comes from the mind of george lucas)

yes....the picture below (from here) pretty much sums up my dream family. except you know, with cate, who you can't see because she'd be old enough to be in the front seat with me being all my best friend and bossy second mom:

sigh.

i have been collecting vintage little boy clothes for a long time in anticipation of someday having my own little super heroes. grant likes to silk screen t-shirts for fun, and we have lots of shirts we want to make for our someday boys. i feel like the quilt/ handmade market really ignores the little dudes, too, and i want to make more of that kind of stuff.

in thinking about all of those things i have been toying with the idea of opening a etsy or big cartel shop that caters only to boys. vintage clothes, boy quilts and handmade awesomeness, simple t shirts. cheaper than ridiculous crew cuts and more awesome anyway. what do you think? am i the only one with dirty little skater boy super hero taste? it's just like, if i see another flower headband i just might lose my lunch.

to answer a few questions from the last post:

yes, i freeze spinach and other greens. don't throw them out when there is a few more in the bag or they are very close to going bad, just stuff them in a ziploc and line them up in the freezer. i love the snack sized ones, they are great for portion sizing.

you can get chia seeds at a natural foods grocery store or a really good regular grocery store, maybe. in a natural foods store there should be a "seeds" section, the same area you'd get flax, etc. don't be intimidated by health food stores! go in and ask and learn and take your time and read labels- your eyes will be opened to so many great products and information.

raw milk is kind of tricky to get- but search the internet for a farm in your area that sells it. it isn't dangerous and your body knows how to break it down because the molecular structure of the milk hasn't been destroyed by the violent pastuerization process. many people who can't tolerate dairy/ lactose (most people) can drink raw milk without a problem. i also buy raw cheese. this is, i know, controversial. but the more i learn about it, the more convinced i am. the cows from farms that sell raw milk are outside all day eating grass- the way their bodies were designed to work- with no hormones or antibiotics. then the milk is kept fresh and whole. it is a fabulous protein source. i work with a lot of vegans, and they feel strongly about all dairy being too hard on our digestive system. but i'm not a vegan, i love milk.

and that leads to another question- where i am getting all this stuff/info. natural health has been a hobby of mine forever, and i graduated byu in health education. yes, diet coke is my nemesis. but i learn and read and read trying to beat that vice out of me, and also to feed my family properly. grant and i have made homesteading a life-long goal of our family, and i am mostly in charge of the gathering information part. because i like to read. especially about health, the conspiracies of the food and drug administration, and how to get my body functioning well enough to conceive without using fertility drugs- as they have about ruined me. maybe another post i will give you my list for must read books- i have quite a few favorites that i think everyone should read!

side note- since august, when cate started full time first grade, i have been home alone..alllll alone....for like seven and a half hours a day. i started to get really really loopy, and was playing way too much tetris. last month i was praying for some idea of what needed to change in my life. i'd prefer to have another child, but no luck yet, and i was getting super down with all that alone time. then one day i was driving by my favorite health food store and i saw a sign that said "wellness counselor needed". i felt a corresponding lump in my chest and impression in my mind that it was to be me. i shook it off. the next three times i drove by the same feeling came. so on a whim i said FINE! and walked in. long story short- now a few mornings a week i am in absolute heaven helping people find answers and nutrition information and supplementation for what they are struggling with while cate is at school. it is really wonderful. i also get to attend lots of trainings with the latest information and research in the natural health industry. it is an amazing blessing in my life. so if i am posting more often about natural food crap, forgive me, it's just that it's more on the brain than ever for me.

ok, back to the other questions:

nope, i don't have a snazzy blender, although i would LOVE a blend tec or vitamix. just not in the budget currently. and to be honest, for just three of us, our little one does just fine. and yes, most people would probably need some agave or stevia in the smoothie i posted, but i really like the nutty taste. i find if you let the bananas get almost completely brown/ gooey on your counter before you freeze them they really sweeten up the smoothies.

wow, this ended up being a really long post. and i could go on, but i will spare you. but i do need to give you this happy update- i am having 28 day cycles and ovulating on my own almost every month without the help of any meds for the first time since, well, ever. just based on the massively nutrient dense diet i am eating and consistent exercise along with outlawing stress. things are looking up, and i truly feel with all my heart that my new job is a blessing from heaven that will give me access to the final knowledge and supplementation i need to conceive naturally (with a discount no less!) so pray for me, pretty please. i know my body can do it, i just know it!!