my happy little life

egg envy

i really love these ladies. one of them has started laying, and consistently leaves us a beautiful brown egg every morning for the gathering. the first day i found the eggs sweetly sitting in a nested bowl in the coop, i was overwhelmed with emotion. i laid on the grass for a minute and wiped tears from my eyes. at first i was confused at my strong reaction. and then i realized...i wasn't just proud...i was super jealous.

why was it so easy for my young little hen to produce an egg? why was it so hard for me? i sifted through emotions that i usually bury deep- a sadness that i'm broken. an embarrassment for my failure at being a woman. that, i decided, is the pain that infertility brings me. that is why i avoid the subject of adoption when grant mentions it. because i want to work. i want to produce my own egg in my own nest proudly. i am someone who spends her life finding joy in creating, yet in the most basic way we are destined to create, i am utterly powerless. it hurts.

i'm glad i finally admitted these insecurities to myself, as painful as it was to feel the full force of them. it helped me to see how much my own pride has hindered the process of bringing more children into our home. i'm not sure how to go about finding peace with myself and my womanly weaknesses, but i have a sneaking suspicion that it will require a lot of time on my knees.

the happiest day

recently, i've been uncontrollably sentimental and nostalgic and prone to crying at the drop of a hat. a combination of factors has led to it, really:

first, the wedding of my friend julie. every time i watch a young bride and a happy groom dance at their reception i get overwhelmed remembering how happy i was at that moment. i LOVED my wedding day. i LOVED my reception. it really was the best day of my life. i remember being so full of hope and excitement for the new life i was embarking on that i had been dreaming of for 25 years. i remember feeling beautiful and healthy and glowing. i cried often throughout julie's wedding festivities as i reminisced...and also as i wondered where that girl went.

second, the movie 17 again. it was a really, really good. before you judge, remember i walked into it on that emotional roller coaster- remember, i was wondering how i went from the young beaming bride to a cranky housewife? and well, i SOBBED in that movie. my sister and friend were laughing pretty hard at me. but i was touched, ok?

third, and probably this should have been mentioned first, i am back in cahoots with the doctors trying to get me pregnant. so you know, i'm a mess and should be paying no attention to any of these crazy feeling i am having. if only that were possible. i laid in bed last night wondering if that happy bride knew that in about seven years she'd be laying in her bed, crying, feeling so unhealthy and so not beautiful and so not glowing.

this morning i got out my wedding album. i wanted to see her, the glowing, excited, un-jaded me. i'm determined to find her again. so excuse me, i need to get to the gym.

oh ya, and not take medications that make my hormones craaaazeeeee. i'm guessing that would probably help too.

today i'm feeling ready to bloom.

photo from bliss

the cycle of infertility: 1. decide on a new course of action...full of hope! full of doctor's promises! planning the quilt you will make and thinking of favorite names (you can't help yourself)! 2. deal with the hard, painful, and unsuccessful realities. shut off. no talking of babies, no more pee sticks. done. drained and tired. 3. the time is passing, the clouds are lifting. starting to feel hopeful, have new ideas, and new energy. 4. decide on a new course of action...it has now become more painful to stay hopeless than it would be to feel the vulnerability and exhaustion it will take to try again for a baby.

_{^{"and the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." -anais nin}}

sometimes it hurts

_{^{blabla kids rattles}}

tonight, right after getting my millioneth negative pregnancy test, i hopped online hoping for some distraction from my sadness. and right away i came across this picture. those wrist rolls and chubby fingers...the handknit toys...the little baby face peeking down...and the tears are flowing. do you mind if i curl up in my bed and feel sad for a little while? thanks. i'll feel better tomorrow, i promise. i know i am fortunate in a thousand million other ways. but just for tonight, i need to cry.

the deal with pcos and carbs

i got a lot emails about what i eat and how it effects pcos- so i hope you don't mind if i just answer all the questions here, instead of going through each email.

let me preface this by saying that there is no one size fits all eating plan for someone with hormonal issues. for some women, cysts, irregular cycles, lack of ovulation, and too much testosterone and its effects are directly related to bad insulin regulation in their body. for these women, they may be able to restore better regularity with avoiding blood sugar spikes by not eating carbohydrates, therefore eliminating the insulin problem. that is why so many women can conceive with metformin or glucophage because these medicines work at that level. women who have these hormonal issues typically carry alot of weight around the middle (due to the out of control insulin and resultant too high of testosterone) and a high protein and fiber diet combined with low carbs really helps with that. an added benefit is that these types of foods are so filling, and you avoid the highs and crashes that people with blood sugar problems live by.

secondly, i must say i know carbohydrates aren't bad. i know bread is life and wheat is the staff of life. a lot of fruits and veggies are quite sugary/ starchy. for almost everyone eating all these foods in moderation will do them fine. but remember, i am trying to regulate an abnormality. to a diabetic sugar is the devil. to someone with celiac disease wheat is the devil. to someone with milk allergies dairy is the devel. and what i've come to believe that for some women who don't ovulate, high blood sugar may be their devil, and it definately is mine.

with that, here's the stuff i eat: salad with chicken, a different salad with chicken, repeat, repeat. this is the hard thing about it. not a ton of delicious options. i'm kind of kidding, i've found a few other yummy things, too:

breakfast: i always have two eggs and salsa. always. i don't really get sick of it, and it would really stink if i did because there's not a lot out there for breakfast. actually, when you are at your ideal weight and ovulating regularly you can have any kind of whole grain hot cereal without a problem. you know, steel cut oats, etc. i am not quite there yet. berries and grapes are pretty low on the glycemic index and i have those, too. oh and i love cottage cheese with fruit.

snacks: NUTS!!! i would die without nuts. i love roasted almonds, cashews, peanuts. i also love those roasted edamame. they taste like nuts even though they're not. and nuts taste really good with a few slices of swiss cheese. also deli meat slices, celery with peanut butter on it, a few whole grain crackers with cheese, beef jerky, sugar free snack packs, stuffed mushrooms, hard boiled eggs, string cheese, protein bars, crudites, and more NUTS! 

(but honestly, i don't snack alot. when you eat so much protein you don't get hungry as often through the day)

lunch: whole wheat pita with tuna or deli meat or a big salad with grilled chicken. 

dinner: i kind of snack or have a lunch type meal again. dinner is tricky because i still need to prepare dinner for my family. so i do. but i'm not super hungry at night so i just eat whatever. broccoli, a little of what they're having, or snacky stuff, or chicken wings, or crispy thin crust pizza. but! i always end the day with a low carb ice cream bar.

and again, when you are at a good weight and having regular cycles, you can absolutely add in a lot more whole wheat and whole grain foods, as well as all fruits and vegetables and other "good carbs" like beans. if your cycles get a little kooky or you gain weight, that's when you know you need to reduce again.

refined sugar will be your enemy till you die.

and i cheat, like, alot. well, usually i ease up on weekends. but i feel so crappy and bloated again that i can't wait to start eating right on monday. but i have kind of had to tell myself, this is just the new lifestyle. and if i want to indulge every now and again i'm going to. cause i'd rather die than not be able to have some chips and guac or a slice of cake every now and again. so if i eat like this 90% of the time then i've noticed that my body or the scale doesn't mind if i wander in my choices a bit the other 10%. exercising everyday helps with this, too. i feel like it's a great trade off- feeling great and a regular period for a little self control.

if you eat like this, people will give you crap because it's so not trendy anymore. but if it will help a woman who would do anything to ovulate and conceive do that (and i know personally quite a few that this was the key for), then who cares what anyone says. and jennifer aniston doesn't eat carbs. so there.

a few months in the life of this infertile girl...

november

bad news: hsg test showed that i have a blocked fallopian tube and a growth in my uterus.

good news: growth can be removed.

bad news: fallopian tube not repairable.

good news: they are able squeeze me in for surgery right away. it's a simple proceedure.

bad news: i have to have surgery.

december

good news: the doctor was able to completely remove growth.

bad news: i had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and was laid out in serious pain for awhile.

good news: the growth was benign and probably a big part of not getting pregnant.

bad news: still have only one fallopian tube.

good news: you can get pregnant with one fallopian tube.

january

bad news: doctor advises a low-carb, high protein diet to help my body fight pcos symptoms and promote normal ovulation.

good news: i lose 15 pounds in a few weeks and feel amazing.

bad news: intense pain when ovulating, i'm guessing cause it was in the bad tube this month.

good news: it's ok because i'm ovulating without fertility drugs!

bad news: this is probably because of the low-carb diet and not because my body decided to be normal. looks like it's no bread for me 4eva. 

good news: i really do feel good and continue to lose weight. am realizing i can eat quite a few carbs and still feel good as long as i stay away from the white and refined stuff and eat tons of protein.

february

bad news: pms sets in. hard.

good news: maybe i'm so hormonal because i'm pregnant?

bad news: no. not pregnant. and duh. i'm that hormonal every month. wishful thinking.

good news: there's always next month.

bad news: i am giving up diet coke. i have to give it everything i got.

march

good news?

grumpy girls

i have been in a bad mood since friday. the appointment didn't go well, despite all my preparation and prayer. i need to find yet another doctor. i really don't have that high of standards. all i ask is that they don't talk like the micro machine man and don't make you feel stupid. he did both of those things. he did order me the hsg (good) but then would like to wait nine months to see if i get pregnant after that before doing anything else/ try any new med/ do any other testing (bad). "i'm 90% positive you'll be pregnant in those nine months"... i've sooo heard that before, and he acted like nine months was the blink of an eye. what he doesn't realize is i've been peeing on sticks for five years. and all i can think about is with each tick of the clock cate gets older and older and less and less relatable to our future children. i seriously can't take that relaxed approach after this long. i'm finding a new doctor. a woman.

it was in this brooding mood that i kept cate home from school today. she wasn't sick. i just didn't have the emotional strength to get her ready. instead we laid around and took pictures of each other being grumpy. that cheered us up... a little. also i scored a 487 on electronic yahtzee... so that was pretty rad.

good gifts

my mother was a notoriously bad gift giver. she didn't really care what you wanted, she just wanted to give you things she thought you should have. we're talking re-gifted, really bad presents. she would go so far as to wrap up things that you already owned and had put in the good will pile that she thought was still useful to you and give it to you for christmas. yes, she was that bad. she knew it, and it made her laugh. it was part of the fun to her that it drove you crazy. like when i turned 16; i was working every night in an italian restaurant. she asked me what i wanted for my birthday dinner and i said "anything but italian." you guessed it, i came home that night to fettucini alfredo (an especially funny double joke to her because my boyfriend's name was alfredo and i had declared her not allowed to ever say his name).

one time, though, she got it right. one time, she gave me something really good. this white porcelain pedestal sat on my mom's kitchen counter holding fruit my entire life (and i'm sure for a long time before that too), usually overflowing with bananas. as a little girl, i always thought it was really cool, and it remained something that reminded me so much of home after i left. when i was planning my all white wedding, i called and asked my mom if she would bring it to hold some mexican wedding cookies on the dessert table. she obliged. after the wedding, i told her how pretty i always thought it was when i was little. she said if i liked it so much i could have it. that was a great gift, and truly a first. as you can imagine, it is one of my most treasured things.

today as i was pondering and mentally sorting all the caring advice that you gave me for my appointment, i sat down at my table and, as i often do, admired my pedestal. and i wished i had a really good gift to give each of you. your support means so much to me, especially from those who have struggled so much and fought to have their children, who are still so positive and encouraging! i feel so confident about my appointment, so prepared to talk about each of my concerns, and so not alone. i read all your comments and emails and took notes. so, thank you! yep, i wish i had something to awesome to give you. how about an apple? would you like an apple?

i'll let you know how it all goes.

can you help me?

so, friday i go to see my new doctor for a "the clomid's not working" appointment. the whole process of discovering why we can't get pregnant and trying to medically intervene has been very slow for various reasons. like, i have horrible anxiety about these visits. i would wait for four months to be seen and then cancel the appointment right before to get the panic attacks (literal) to stop. this probably happens because i have previously seen the worst, most insensitive doctors on planet earth and they helped me none anyway. then i sometimes reach my emotional limit of peeing on sticks and counting days and would decide that i need to just relax for a few month, but then that doesn't work out either so i have to wait for four more months till the doctor can see me again. and finally, it doesn't matter what more they can do because it is way out of our budget anyway to do more invasive proceedures, so we just keep trying.

and now five years of this has gone by and we don't really have any answers. we know that grant is fine. we know that i have every symptom of pcos, but an inconclusive glucose test. we know that i rarely ovulate without clomid, but i still don't get pregnant with it. and that's about it.

infertility seems to have reached epidemic level. or maybe it's just that so many women have been purposefully put in my path who have struggled with it to help me. in the past few years i have definately been led to some wonderful and supportive friends who know exactly how i'm feeling and have shared their knowledge of the process. hearing their stories gives me hope, and also makes me understand that it is so important to be proactive in your healthcare. to trust your gut and make sure that you are taken care of the way you feel you should be. there are a few specific concerns i'm going to discuss with my doctor that have been on my mind as possible problems. 

i know so many of you have shared with me in comments your own infertility experiences. i was wondering if you'd mind helping me a little more today. i am writing a list of every possible topic and test to discuss at the appointment friday. so my questions to any of you who have had difficulty conceiving or know anything about this process are: if you were me, what would you put on that list? what would you have done differently knowing what you know now? what would you have found out right away? what tests were vital that they didn't automatically do? what was the key for you to conceive?

i want to be thouroughly prepared, and i want to explore every avenue. the purpose of this appointment is to order tests and determine our next course of action, so i feel it's a critical one in the process and one that i need to be informed for. the last thing i want to do is just take pill after pill after procedure after ten thousand dollar procedure and still not have any answers or any idea how to get me functioning correctly. that is a disturbing reality to me, that the doctors aren't so much concerned with what is wrong with your body as they are about just forcing it to get pregnant with drugs. i don't want that. i want to be whole. i want to know what's wrong and help my body in any way i can to overcome the problems, whether it be through diet or medication. and if there's no possibility, i'd like to know that too.

mostly, i just want a baby.

so, i'm not pregnant....again.

but what else is new? i'm fine, quite used to it. just relieved the pms part of the month is taking its final bow. i am confused, however. how on god's green earth can a man, who is producing alot of "perfect size, shape, great swimmers" (doc's words...cue grant pounding chest...why do men feel proud of sperm?) and a woman, who through the miracle of gynecological science knows the exact second she is ovulating, not be able to get two lines on that stupid stick?

grant asked me if i wanted to look into adoption. and i just don't feel it. i try to get myself to think about it, but the thought quickly passes only leaving fear behind it. typically a sign that something's not the right path for you, eh? adoption has to be an intensely spiritually motivated thing, i think. to accept a baby as your own completely, well, you'd truly have to feel that they were "growing in your heart" and have a peaceful and compelling desire to find your child. i don't feel that. at least, angelina hasn't whispered to my heart that that's the right thing for us. [yet].

i am grateful to a degree beyond what i can express for cate. i know that i have the lucky end of the infertility stick, having already once conceived. i really have no right to sympathy or feeling sorry for myself, so i really try not to. i just try to enjoy mothering cate.

and in mothering cate yesterday i found myself at the kindergarten meet the teacher day. cate was sooooo wound up and nervous and excited about it that before we walked out the door i told her we better say a prayer so we're calm about this. after the prayer she looked so happy and squeezed both of my hands with hers. before i knew it we were in a school building. teachers, desks, cate's name on a cubby. i was trying so hard to choke back the tears. i was so embarrased to be crying. there were moms and dads everywhere nonchalantly showing their one-of-many kids their desk, and quickly reading paperwork so they could find the next classroom they need to check out. cate and i? we looked at every corner of the classroom. we read a book. we talked sitting on the reading circle. and i was desperately trying not to let the tears flow.

and then the thought occured to me: cry. this could be your only only experience seeing your child enter kindergarten. you cry. and as i let the tears fall i was transported back to when cate was a baby and all the experienced and harried moms chided me for how much i held/ nursed/ coddled/ and "babied" her. and then too, the feeling came: you hold her. you nurse her. you rock her to sleep. and yesterday i was profoundly grateful i did. yesterday i realized i may not have the chance to "baby" another. that those afternoons that i did nothing but sit in the rocker and look at her were very good decisions.

i'm not trying to be dramatic. i have always felt that we would have more. i believe the purpose of my experience yesterday was to prepare me for the news of another disappointing month, and to help me see the blessings of the trial of infertility. i could sit with my daughter and read a book; i had time to sit and shed a few tears over her rite of passage, and wax nostalgic about holding my tiny baby... and the blink of an eye since then.

the best food ever tastes is after a fast. the best water ever feels going down your throat is when you are parched. and i know someday when i am holding a newborn in my arms the feelings of joy will be magnified for all the waiting and struggling. it will be just another blessing of infertility.

_{me, coco, and my mom (who passed away a few months later) admiring my perfect baby.}

 

feeling like this again.

love that clomid!

be back from the dark side soon......

three things making me smile again...

1. our vegetable garden is sprouting and then some! i was quite distressed over it looking like nothing was going to happen for a bit, until grant informed me that it needed to be watered... who knew? someone should really tell you that before you try and grow things! anyhow, the watering was greatly increased (slash actually done), and viola!! we got a late start to begin with, so we won't be eating anything for another month probably, but i am still so happy! this year i was just trying to understand the whole process, and have a couple yummy salads at best. but i think we will get a lot, everything looks great. next year i will be more brave and try to sprout the seeds indoors earlier and plan for two or three crops.

2. it's the little things, you know? i just put this wallpaper on my phone and everytime open it and see the love between mr. and mrs. skywalker i get butterflies and a smile on my face. and then i think about the doom for which that love is headed, and i feel inconsolible. and then i think my problems aren't so bad. my crazy clomid behavior isn't going to take down a galaxy, ya know? but then i realize that in the end, their heart breaking love story brought balance back to the force, after years of war it caused, it was always the will of the force...and i wonder if the evil clomid will be able to bring balance back to my body after these hormonal battles that are raging? and in the back of my mind i hear yoda say "help you, it will. toooo impatient you are!" haha.

3. twitch's solo last night! woooooohooo! it was awesome. i have watched will and jessica's garden of eden dance a thousand times, it was the most gorgeous piece of art i have ever seen i think. and how fun was the bollywood dance? and how freaking hot is chelsea? i loved that mia said she wanted to stab her! haha. ah yes, i'm feeling better!

"tmi, tmi... i used to say 'don't go there', but that's lame"

oh that michael scott. he says things just right, doesn't he?

i try not to post when i'm feeling all clomiderific, and i've been feeling really clomiderific lately. that's my affectionate term for the fun symptoms brought on by that wonderful baby making pill, clomid: crazy bloating and hot flashes, irritability like woah, extreme sensitivity which leads to frequent crying (fun for the whole family)... not to mention the feeling that your ovaries are about to burst (requires a lot of googling the words 'how to tell if your ovaries are bursting')....and then getting super depressed realizing that while you are feeling like this, you have try and make a baby... you know... do it, or it's all for nothing. which really, it has been all for nothing anyway for three months now.

what? you're uncomfortable? i told you i shouldn't be posting.

i'll try this posting thing again when i've returned to hormonal balance. in the mean time, i'll be crying through every mia michaels routine and half the commercials on tv tonight. and yelling at cate to get back in bed or i'm taking away every toy she ever had. and turning down the air to 68. and googling on the laptop "really sore boobs" and "ovary pain". and telling grant not to say another word as long as we live because he is rude and i can't take it anymore (after telling me it's a little too cool in the house). ahh yes, just another peaceful clomiderific evening.

***ps- don't worry about me, i'm mostly kidding. i'm just, what doctors like to call, "dramatic". or, my friends put it this way: "she exaggerates". or, grant gives this diagnosis: "crazy".

in case you were wondering...

growth

if spring is the season that we concern ourselves with fertile ground and planting seeds, then this is the springtime of my life. right now all my time is spent trying to get things to grow. not only have i been frequenting the local nurseries, graphing plots, and mixing soil... i have been popping pills, peeing on sticks, and counting days trying to grow a different, more precious type of seed: mine. i do already have one seed that has sprouted to a little girl, and she needs a lot of daily pruning. and then there's the seeds of faith that i'm continually trying to nourish and keep the weeds away from. these seeds take the most patience of all. assessing all i am trying to accomplish can leave me feeling tired...and barren.

so, the question i asked myself today was: do i have it in me to keep up the work required for all this harvesting i want to do? do i have it in me to continue improving my soil, both real and metaphorical?

in a word: yes. because happily, there's a master gardener who owns the land i am tending, and we are creating the harvest together.

clomid day three. diet coke detoxification day two.

head: pounding.

mental state: business as usual (crazeeeeee)

thinking about: my garden. more on that tomorrow.

heart: hopeful.

i want this belly back (ok, let's be honest, i have it. but i want it from a baby, not costco tortillas and del taco)...

i had a great first appointment with my new doc today. he looks a little like kelly ripa's husband and i think i love him. anyway, he wants me to start clomid. and although i've never been keen on the clomid idea before, something today told me it's time to give it a whirl. maybe it was just his latin charm. i told him i'd call him when i decide. so today i've been thinking the following three thoughts over and over:

1. it offers the best chance to get pregnant, even possibly with twins!!

2. i am a psycho when any kind of hormonal shifts occur. i cannot even begin to imagine what this particular treatment will do to me. pms has been the thorn in my life's side, and clomid (which goes strait to the hypothalamus to get your hormones screwed up) is sure to make me mental. i really never wanted to take clomid.

3. in my heart, the former now justifies the later. i'm ready. but seriously... look out world!

i just took a prenatal vitamin. i am calling hot dr. kelly ripa's husband in the morning. i will take the clomid. i will beg heavenly father for twins. if he says yes i will regret that later. i will have hope. i will have hope. i will have hope.

my "stop feeling like crap" checklist

1. get a bite plate made to stop night clenching.

2. see family physician about neck pain for referral.

3. quit diet coke.

4. lose 20 pounds, get to my happy weight (i don't get stick skinny. ever.)

I'M DOING SO GOOD!! i have seven days clean of the devil juice!! how, you ask? well when i threw out my neck last week (AGAIN) i finally went to the doctor who sent me to get an m.r.i. (awaiting results) and he gave me a muscle relaxer and large dose of ibuprofen to take every day, stomach be damned. so i figured i should use the meds to kill 2 birds and get through caffiene withdrawl too. it's still been rough. as i type i am dreaming, wishing, and hoping coke will start pouring from the sky into my mouth. as soon as i'm through this super hard part i'm hitting my weight HARD. i want to lose 2 pounds a week for the next 3 months and feel good again and rock a bathing suit this summer instead of....well....spilling out of one. i pick up my mouth guard friday and i'm hoping my tmj and neck crap will all be resolved SOON. no more pain, no more dependence on diet coke, no more not being able to exercise enough. i am soooo pumped to get healthy. and i wanted to say THANK YOU for the advice and help. here's to losing it! and i finally realized my fears about fertility doctors is that the problem is me- my extra weight, my caffiene addiction and i just feel like too much crap to feel justified in going through it all. i know it's crazy, but after i complete #1-4 successfully, i'll:

5. feel so good i'll have no problem going to a fertility doctor and saying, "MAKE ME GET PREGNANT!"

sibling wanted

cate's been really naughty lately. i've been really impatient lately. i asked her what i could do better as a mommy to help her be good. she replied, "if i had a brother or sister i would have someone to play with instead of being naughty." so does anyone have an extra kid they want to give me?

i am so in love with those eyes.

and her chin. and her always messy hair. and her toes that are painted red right now. and her artwork. and her laugh. and her love of office supplies. and her excitement about preschool. and her ability to work the tivo. and her perfect delivery of her line in the primary program with a smile and a wave to us after. and i really, really want another one of her. last night as i got up to take care of the puppy, i wished and wished that i was waking up to nurse a baby. i promise i won't complain next time i have sleepless nights. promise.

way more than you ever wanted to know

the french philosopher, montaigne said, "my life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened." that my friends, is me in a nutshell. i have an over-active imagination that in childhood days was used for play and dreaming; now, in cynical adulthood, my imagination has turned against me into a constant portrayal of pending tragedy. i often fear the worst. then the fear turns to panic. fear of fear. over something as common and non- life- threatening as finding out why i'm infertile i had a panic attack. a suffocating-heart-pounding-i-think-i'm-going-to-die panic attack. it seems ridiculous to me now. absolutely ridiculous. and so much harder than going to the doctor.

i share this to tell anyone that is anxiety plagued like me to hold someone's hand and stop putting off what you know you need to do, whatever that may be. and get this book. it will change your life. it's a wonderful read for anyone. i've begun to tote it in my purse and read bits whenever i need a calming affect. much of his writing reminds us that jesus told us sufficient is the evil of today to deal with that we don't need to worry about the morrow (until the morrow). give us THIS day our daily bread. planning and preparing are vastly different than worry and anxiety. the best way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all your intelligence and enthusiasm on doing today's work superbly today. from the book:

"we are standing at the meeting of two eternities: the vast past and future. we can't possibly live in either of those two eternities...but by trying to do so we can wreck both our bodies and our minds. so live from now until bedtime. 'anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall,' wrote robert lewis stevenson, 'anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. and this is all life really means.'"

do you miss me?

i have been absent because i am suffering from temporary insanity. don't worry, i have a appointment to see a medic. tuesday at 2:40 where i will tell him simply i am insane and i hope it's temporary. no, really it's about how i'm not a real woman because i can't seem to make a pregnancy test have two lines. for some unknown reason i am scared. i have been putting this appointment off for, oh, about a year. i don't know what my problem is. i need help! speaking in english!! i told you, i've gone insane. but i'll be back and let you know how it goes. send me positive, gynecologically healthy vibes please.