back story to this post can be found here.
so i'm always talking about how we've been trying to conceive for eight years and i blab a lot about how i've never felt fully convicted that adoption was my path...yet. and i go on and on about finding my life's purpose, because all i want is to be a mom. but then i talk a lot about the loneliness/ worthlessness/ yucky indulgence that i feel being home alone so many hours of the day, with my one little girl off at school.
and prayers. well, they are always answered, but so often not how we think or would like, of course. it's been months since i began feeling strongly to go to graduate school, and to wait and try for more babies in a few years. NOT what i want to do, mind you, but the feeling wouldn't relent. constant! worse than the year it took me to decide to serve a mission. (i'm slow).
i knew i was to get my master's in social work. i felt prompted to look into USC's program (why? we don't live there!), only to find out their MSW program just became virtual. meaning they would allow a small number of students to skype into their classes, and be placed in their field work positions where they live. an adviser would fly out to meet with you each semester and you would video chat with your professors. what?! yes, please! i hate going to class!! i know byu is right here, but i can't go back there. i can't, heaven help me. what about the u of u? hmm, didn't feel right...but heavenly father, usc is too expensive!
i was particularly confused and upset one day walking around a thrift store. so upset i wasn't even looking at anything, i was just wandering and praying in my heart. i was crying, no less. do i really have to do this? is it worth it to get those kind of student loans? will i even get in? holy crap it's the 8th ranked social work school in the nation. can't i please, please just have a baby? as i asked that, tears streaming down my face, my hand ran along a sweater i couldn't resist touching because i could tell by the sleeve it was hand knit in beautiful yarn. i pulled it out. yep. in orem, utah as i was praying, a hand knit usc sweater was put in my hands. that might be a coincidence or meaningless to you- but i'm a knitter you guys, and god gets what that would do to me. with that sweater he told me yes. yes, you can do it. and yes, you will have a baby. later. and yes, it will wear the sweater of your second alma mater. and that vintage byu onsie you love, too.
i got my acceptance letter yesterday. grant brought me home this huge bouquet of flowers wrapped in "crimson and gold" tissue paper. he's so proud. i got accepted to the accelerated program that will take a year and a half of intense work. it all can be done while cate's at school. i feel a huge weight off my shoulders, the kind of weight release when you know you did the right thing.
nicole took this picture the other morning when i was serenading her to wake up...and it makes me cry. because when i look at this i can think of the girl i want to be, should be. it feels peaceful, nice, kind, relaxed, happy.
she is in me somewhere, she's just hiding. i am so anxious! so irritable! the rest of my thirties are dedicated to becoming the girl i see in this picture. at peace. complete trust in the lord. control relinquished. happy birthday to me.
grant is a geographic information systems analyst (mapper) for a living. awesome work costume, right? seemed the only way to go. and it even looks freaky which i wasn't expecting so much. yikes. also i wasn't expecting how hard this was to make from a vintage globe...think about it. it was very hard.
cate and i are usually witches. but this year i totally agreed with her very specific non-witch costume design as she is the defender of all animals and a collector of webkinz. this is soooo her. and she wanted to be something no one else at school would be (which makes me so proud). her tag says official elementary zoo keeper, please use caution around the animals.
as for me, my costume is a person who isn't making a big deal out of halloween. cause i usually go bananas- candlelit dinner parties, hocus pocus all day everyday, pumpkins everywhere, including handknit ones. this year, all i could muster was drawing on my chalkboard for cate to come home to. ah well, happy halloween and be safe!
i love looking at pictures of little grant, he looks so sweet and so much like cate. plus, i love that he was born, and i'm even sad i didn't know him all those early years. we would've been best friends, i'm sure of it.
i am so grateful we did find each other, though. i love our life together. i don't know what i would do without his comic relief everyday. thank you thank you grant for putting up with me. happy birthday + i love you!