my happy little life

inspirationy stuff.

a wedding palette from miss martha's weddings. oh, the joy it gives me. drooooool.

my dream couch. i wish i would learn to keep track of where i get images from. i am sure this is from apartment therapy? woops. anyhoo, if you know of a couch like this, i would go to the corners of the earth for it (secondhand i mean).

and i'm mostly sure this is rachel's entry way. even if it's not, her house is amazing in the modern thrifted beauty kind of way that makes my heart happy.

my new to me favorite blog. she and her husband are an adorable totallyinlove little mormon couple living the nyc life. she's a dancer, and her style totally rocks my world. (or as i said to my sister, which was met with laughter loud and long: "it's like, someone had my same dream at age ten, only they did it!").

well, how simple and free is that for prettying up your weekend dinner table? or for outdoor family dining? heart.

elsie's fabulous post about trying to "make it" in a creative career. great advice, and a lot of it. and yes, i realize she looks alot like the last inspiring girl picture. yes, i have a type. yes, i will be knitting those hats for the etsy shop.

my friend, and favorite scrapbooker of all time: jill. she posted this page that makes me want to scrapbook so bad that i almost did. ha! also, her life is an inspiration to me right now as they just followed their dream and left utah (!) to go live on a farm in the pacific northwest. heart heart.

still daily receiving of spiritual epiphanies and inspirations from the miracle that is the nielson family. these thoughts on gaining perspective in the face of this tragedy were especially poignant to me today. i continue to pray.

still dreaming about getting to my crochet projects. this crocheter has me super dooper inspired. triple heart.

but the very most inspirationy thing? being a mommy and trying to do what's best for my family. really trying to be and do better each day (which isn't so hard, because i perform so poorly to begin with). floods of ideas for your family's welfare come as you pray and meditate for their happiness.

i really loved reading all the comments from yesterday's post. they really moved me, and the quotes shared were so so powerful to me. my favorite: "it is common sense to take a method and try it. if it fails, admit it frankly and try another. but above all, try something." - franklin d. roosevelt

think about that! what a perfect solution to all the stress and worry of life. all the waiting for good things to happen. work! try! try again! build a life you love! i love the adage "pray for wind and row for shore". thanks elizabeth for sharing that quote, and everyone for the friendship and support. quadruple heart.

passion and life's callings

right now i am deep in love with julia child's memoir of the years she spent with her husband in paris. i have been taking long baths with my life in france, mesmerized by this amazing woman's experiences and her endearing writing. the thing i can't stop thinking about: she couldn't cook at all until she was well into her thirties! she went to culinary school and graduated at about age 38! this woman, who had a career in food famous enough to lend itself to saturday night live skits, didn't know a thing about her beloved french food, or any food, until she was older than i am now. this both amazes and inspires me.

a favorite passage from the book: "i had always been content to live the butterfly life of fun, with hardly a care in the world. but at the [cooking school], and in the markets and restaurants of paris, i suddenly discovered that cooking was a rich and layered and endlessly fascinating subject. the best way to describe it is to say that i fell in love with french food- the tastes, the processes, the history, the creativity, the wonderful people, the equipment, the rituals. i had never taken anything so seriously in my life- husband and cat excepted- and i could hardly bear to be away from the kitchen. what fun! what a revelation! how magnificent to find my life's calling at long last!"

and so i've been pondering if i've yet found the thing that makes me cry "how magnificent!". for a brief moment i thought i don't know if there's anything that i'm so attached to as to be called my life's work (excepting my loved ones). but i corrected myself quickly because i do know that feeling well, that excitment is felt by me in my many hobbies and interests. i decided that my life's calling has just come in a more broad category. i passionately love cooking, for example, but certainly not to the exclusion of all else. at length i determined that what i take seriously is all things that make a house a home. i love to fold laundry, make cookies, sew pillows, read and learn, play music, organize, have kids running around, and to be the main presence in a home. i love to read home inspiration magazines and actually try what they suggest. i love to grocery shop and try to eek as many meals as i can out of our budget. i love to do dishes. and i love it all so much i want to take pictures of it, even the "mundane". in short, absolutely nothing could make me more happy or excited than being a woman who runs her own home. yes. as not exciting as it may be to some, that alone is my life's calling. 

and that got me thinking about this silly blog i keep. i've never really understood what it is i'm doing by blogging, or why i do it, other than i enjoy it (and mostly that's enough for me). i like that i keep a record for my family, and occaisionally can share with others my thoughts and beliefs, but then what's with the discussions of food or decor or quilts? should i really be so open about pms and baby making? is it worth my time being on the computer to show a knitted bootie? what really is the point of this thing? am i just going to keep blogging forever, or is it ever time to move on? 

i think i know the point now. this meditation on passion and callings led me to understand two things about me:  1. my life's calling is to love and adore the work of a woman. my passion is to learn and create and beautify, and 2. whatever that entails for me each day i will share. because i believe this world needs voices of women who aren't disgruntled with motherhood, who aren't snarky about marriage, and who don't think their home is a prison. (or who at least are trying to see the brighter side). i want to be one of those voices.

so for julia, it's beouf bourginon. for me, it's telling all the world that i love laundry. what's it for you? or don't you know yet? well don't worry, you never know when it will hit you and you can say, "how magnificent to find my life's calling at long last!" after all, julia child was near 40 when she found out she was a chef.

so, i'm not pregnant....again.

but what else is new? i'm fine, quite used to it. just relieved the pms part of the month is taking its final bow. i am confused, however. how on god's green earth can a man, who is producing alot of "perfect size, shape, great swimmers" (doc's words...cue grant pounding chest...why do men feel proud of sperm?) and a woman, who through the miracle of gynecological science knows the exact second she is ovulating, not be able to get two lines on that stupid stick?

grant asked me if i wanted to look into adoption. and i just don't feel it. i try to get myself to think about it, but the thought quickly passes only leaving fear behind it. typically a sign that something's not the right path for you, eh? adoption has to be an intensely spiritually motivated thing, i think. to accept a baby as your own completely, well, you'd truly have to feel that they were "growing in your heart" and have a peaceful and compelling desire to find your child. i don't feel that. at least, angelina hasn't whispered to my heart that that's the right thing for us. [yet].

i am grateful to a degree beyond what i can express for cate. i know that i have the lucky end of the infertility stick, having already once conceived. i really have no right to sympathy or feeling sorry for myself, so i really try not to. i just try to enjoy mothering cate.

and in mothering cate yesterday i found myself at the kindergarten meet the teacher day. cate was sooooo wound up and nervous and excited about it that before we walked out the door i told her we better say a prayer so we're calm about this. after the prayer she looked so happy and squeezed both of my hands with hers. before i knew it we were in a school building. teachers, desks, cate's name on a cubby. i was trying so hard to choke back the tears. i was so embarrased to be crying. there were moms and dads everywhere nonchalantly showing their one-of-many kids their desk, and quickly reading paperwork so they could find the next classroom they need to check out. cate and i? we looked at every corner of the classroom. we read a book. we talked sitting on the reading circle. and i was desperately trying not to let the tears flow.

and then the thought occured to me: cry. this could be your only only experience seeing your child enter kindergarten. you cry. and as i let the tears fall i was transported back to when cate was a baby and all the experienced and harried moms chided me for how much i held/ nursed/ coddled/ and "babied" her. and then too, the feeling came: you hold her. you nurse her. you rock her to sleep. and yesterday i was profoundly grateful i did. yesterday i realized i may not have the chance to "baby" another. that those afternoons that i did nothing but sit in the rocker and look at her were very good decisions.

i'm not trying to be dramatic. i have always felt that we would have more. i believe the purpose of my experience yesterday was to prepare me for the news of another disappointing month, and to help me see the blessings of the trial of infertility. i could sit with my daughter and read a book; i had time to sit and shed a few tears over her rite of passage, and wax nostalgic about holding my tiny baby... and the blink of an eye since then.

the best food ever tastes is after a fast. the best water ever feels going down your throat is when you are parched. and i know someday when i am holding a newborn in my arms the feelings of joy will be magnified for all the waiting and struggling. it will be just another blessing of infertility.

_{me, coco, and my mom (who passed away a few months later) admiring my perfect baby.}

 

yummy

the herb garden has been especially prolific, so i decided to take a big bunch of our basil and make some fresh pesto sauce. paired with the macaroni grill rosemary bread i make in the bread machine, and a salad from the garden, and it was one of the best dinners i've ever had! i thought i had better share these recipes! i'm a big allrecipes fan. whenever i need a recipe, i don't mess with the low rated stuff. i search for the five-star-rated-by-a-gagillion-users variety and the food usually turns out super good. if we love it, i take it out of my online recipe box, print it up and put it in my tried and true recipe tin that houses my family's best. between the old and new i am slowly building up an arsenal of homerun recipes. here's a couple i highly recommend...

 

pesto sauce... mix together in food processor: 3 cups fresh basil leaves, 1 and 1/2 cups chopped walnuts, 3 cloves of garlic, 1/3 cup shreded parmesan cheese. while it's processing slowly pour in 1 cup exta virgin olive oil. add coarse salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste (it needs quite a bit).

store in a jar. it's pretty strong. we like it strong but you can warm/ dilute it with more evoo to your desired thickness when you're ready to eat. use it as a pizza sauce too. mmmmmm. to go with it i like some yummy bread. and if you haven't had the rosemary bread from macaroni grill you haven't lived. i found a recipe online for my bread machine (i heart my bread machine) that, to me, tastes just the same and is a little slice of heaven.

rosemary bread: put the ingredients in your machine in the order your instruction manuel says. or, put it in however you want, like me. but it always says that at the beginning or the recipes so i guess i better say it! select the white bread cycle. i don't know if it works the same in the oven, but you could try. and for sure have olive oil and good balsamic vinegar ready to dip it in.

1 cup water

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 1/2 teaspoons white sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1/4 teaspoon Italian seasoning

1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

1 tablespoon dried rosemary

2 1/2 cups bread flour

1 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast

my sister taught me something that has made my salads waaay better: after slicing up tomatoes, cucs, avocado, whatever, season them before adding to the salad. so sprinkle the pile of chopped goodness with coarse salt and fresh cracked pepper completely before adding to the lettuce. it makes such a difference in flavor!

and finally, crack open a diet coke, fight over whose turn it is to bless the food, and enjoy a delicious meal with your family.

be true

i saw mia michaels interviewed yesterday, and she said something that i can't get out of my mind. they asked her how she felt about her emmy, won for last year's work on sytycd. in response, she got a little emotional and talked about how hard she has had to work in this business because she wasn't a typical dancer. she said, "to be recognized for being exactly me, and nobody but me, was powerful." i wonder if the award would have been quite so powerful had she spent her career copying other styles instead of honing her own? when she was trying to make it, all her critiques at auditions were: "you're an amazing dancer, but you need a better body. sorry." would she be quite as proud of her work if she listened and went the eating disorder route rather than saying, "screw you, i'll just coreograph?" (which is what she did).

you will never be proud of work that is not your own. i struggle with what to do when i'm clicking around etsy and see exact copies of things i've designed that someone else is selling. example: i sell the pattern to my crochet booties, copywrited and for personal use only, and i see them being sold in etsy shops by people who have bought the pattern. one woman is even having them featured in a magazine soon, without any thought of giving me credit. someone is selling the wool quiet books i made. like, NO difference. it wouldn't even bother me if like the tree was a different color or something. but it is exact, mine used as a pattern.

i am totally realistic about how "there's nothing you can do that can't be done" aspect of making things. quilting, bunting, booties, it's all been done every way there is to be done. i'm totally aware that we are all inspired by each other. i have no desire to call these people out, no desire to be mean. it just makes me sad. they just need a healthy dose of mia. i'm sure things i've made have been reminicent of someone else's style. but i never ever ever ever ever seek to do anything but be me. i would never dream of copying exactly someone's work. i can't imagine how that's even fun.

a long time ago i made some rules for myself to be sure i was being real, and not letting the blogging world make me feel inadequate or like i needed to compete or copy. i know so many people who struggle with reading blogs and feeling envious and bad about themselves. quit it! what's the point of that? follow my rules: 1. only read blogs that truly inspire you to be your best self. if you are reading a blog that makes you feel bad, unsubscribe. 2. limit your time on the computer. don't read a million blogs. this is fake life. it will skew your vision of your real life and what's really important. i only read a handful of non friend/ family blogs, and they make me happy and motivated. 3. it's ok to love what someone makes/ does/ creates without feeling like you need to do it too or you're not as good as them. our worth is not defined by our skill at hobbies (that's craziness). hobbies are for relaxation in this life. life is for your family, your friends, and knowing your worth as a child of god. some of us are more interested in making stuff than others. i'm sure there's people out there who get dressed before 3 pm. different strokes for different folks. the world needs us all. 4. if you love to blog, blog. you don't owe anyone anything, nor does how many comments you get on a post have anything to do with how awesome/ not awesome of a person you are. don't participate in or read mean-spirited blogs. don't compare your blogs to other blogs. do what you like and don't worry about what others think. 5. be exactly you, and nobody else.

comparing is a really hard thing about being a woman right now. i do struggle with it too. (hence, the making of the rules). i can feel really bad about myself around skinny chicks wearing the style of clothes i wish i looked good in (read: skinny jeans). or you know those super young couples who have already bought like the nicest house? and then when they decide they're ready to finally have kids they have like as many as they want no problem? that makes me feel really down. in those moments i take a step back and remember that we are all children of god. he wants the best thing for all of us (to return to live with him) and he is not concerned with our fashion or our cool house. he gives us each different experiences that are tailor made for each one of us, for what we need. for our growth. for our good. he gives us each different talents to contribute. some of the most important talents are not tangible ones, like kindess and generosity. and what he is concerned about is what we do with what we've been given. our gratitude. our service. our sharing.

elaine jack said, "sometimes comparisons creep up on us. some of you may say, 'i’m just average. there’s nothing special about me or my life.' and yet what is manifested plainly to me is that you are extraordinary, you whose average day is lived in accordance with our heavenly father’s laws. you show your love for the Lord daily as you support husbands, nurture children, care for parents, benefit neighbors, serve in your schools, sit on community councils, and do much of the work of this world in and out of the home. no one is more impressive than you."

here's to loving ourselves for who we are. here's to finding out what god has designed for our life. here's to developing and sharing the gifts we have been bestowed with and enjoying the gifts others have been given. here's to shunning covetousness. here's to being happy for others' successes, rather than jealous. here's to feeling powerfully true to ourselves as children of  god.

***************

ps.- yay for joshua! and i cried like a baby when all our old friends from other seasons performed. neil! benji! ivan! anja! dominic! travis! i love them all. i'm so sad it's over.

our weekend in beautiful lake tahoe

25 things to remember about right now

1. you love star wars as much as your mama, and get so happy when you spot a girl jedi. 2. you spend all day asking for brothers and sisters, or at least someone to come over and play with you. 3. you love to do puzzles, and can put 100 piecers together faster than me. 4. you steal sips of my diet coke whenever i'm not looking. 5. you get yourself dressed everyday, and really look cute. you like to be colorful and fun and you always put together outfits that inspire me. 6. you aren't super into tv- you'd rather be playing. 7. you tell me all the time that you want seven kids. 8. penny is your little sidekick. you love that dog and smother her with affection. 9. your prayers are so sensitive and loving. you always remember to be thankful for your family and puppy. 10. you recently have started actually letting me brush/ do your hair. you never would before, but all of the sudden you are asking for braids and pig tails and i love it. 11. we told you you get your freckles from your dad, and you thought that means they jump off his nose onto yours when you snuggle. so now you snuggle him trying to get more freckles. 12. swimming is your favorite pastime and you feel so lucky to live in papa's house with a pool. 13. you are so excited to go to kindergarten, and i am so sad that you are getting so old. i will miss you when you are gone every day. 14. your eyes make me happy everytime i look at them. they are so expressive. 15. you talk with your hands. everything you say is acted out in gestures and arm movements. it makes me and daddy laugh so hard. 16. we love you more than you can ever know! 17. you are still sucking your finger, even though we have been trying so hard to get you to stop. 18. you understand so much about the gospel. it is so cute to answer your questions and see you get it. 19. you always tell me you miss grandma reneer and wish you knew her. 20. you call coco from my phone when i am not around just to say hi to her. 21. you are a really good thrifter, and can always find something awesome when we go to d.i. 22. you are obsessed with writing and spelling and making me notes and pictures and drawing and reading. you are so smart. 23. you go to granny's on saturdays to play and swim with max and charlie. this is your absolute fave day of the week. you adore your granny, and have been known to say "at granny's i can do whatever i want!!" 24. you have been doing so good going to bed alone. i put a cd player and cd's in your room and you fall asleep listening to primary songs or classical music. 25. you are the light of my life!! i love you i love you i love you!

golden

we were driving home yesterday and decided to pull over because the sun looked so pretty on this open field and my camera sat on my car seat calling me. cate started picking all the dandelions, which she declared the prettiest "flower" in the world and then insisted on delivering them to granny's house "because they mean i love you". she was running and playing and looking so beautiful, i took 175 pictures! and i love them all! they warm my heart, because she warms my heart, and she won't be four forever. my challenge: drop what you're doing and take some pictures of your kids today! don't brush their hair or change their clothes, just get outside and start snapping! weeds, blurry pics, and dirty faces are beautiful when they remind you of a happy moment. :)

about to fall in love.

i came across this picture tonight and it just melted my heart. it was taken as we were leaving on our first real date in the fall of 2001. we had previously hung out with mutual friends a few times, including one double date where grant was paired with my roommate and i was paired with his friend, and needless to say, grant and i should've just been on the date alone. we are both very passionate and intense people and we quickly fell in love, like woah. we didn't get married until almost a year after this photo was taken, but after our first few dates we kind of knew that's where it was going. gosh, i would do anything to re-live the month that followed this picture. the butterflies, first kisses, late nights talking.... it was the beginning of my happy little life. 

growth

if spring is the season that we concern ourselves with fertile ground and planting seeds, then this is the springtime of my life. right now all my time is spent trying to get things to grow. not only have i been frequenting the local nurseries, graphing plots, and mixing soil... i have been popping pills, peeing on sticks, and counting days trying to grow a different, more precious type of seed: mine. i do already have one seed that has sprouted to a little girl, and she needs a lot of daily pruning. and then there's the seeds of faith that i'm continually trying to nourish and keep the weeds away from. these seeds take the most patience of all. assessing all i am trying to accomplish can leave me feeling tired...and barren.

so, the question i asked myself today was: do i have it in me to keep up the work required for all this harvesting i want to do? do i have it in me to continue improving my soil, both real and metaphorical?

in a word: yes. because happily, there's a master gardener who owns the land i am tending, and we are creating the harvest together.

cate's approval

cate: how old will i be when i become a mommy?

me: oh, it depends. i married daddy when i was 24, and then you came when i was 25.

cate: tell me about when you married daddy again.

me: (tell whole story for the millioneth time, cate loves it).

cate: (emphatically) mom, you married the right man that i love!

me: i sure did, cakies.

becoming claire

my parents' relationship would never have been described using the words loving or respectful or happy exactly. they were kind of just surviving. but hey, they were married for forty years before she died, so you gotta give them some kind of credit. i was just glad i had both parents growing up, as so many of my friends didn't. but i was, however, well aware of the tension always in my home- and knew i wanted something different, something more.

my idea of a happy marriage was formed and fantasized about every thursday night while watching the cosby show. i wanted to be strong and smart and sassy and respected. i wanted my husband to be funny as all get out, educated, music loving, hands on, and whipped. i wanted to be able to get my husband to do whatever i wanted with one little look. and i wanted him to turn on soulful music and seduce me with funny dances. i wanted to take our gaggle of good but normal kids to jazz concerts, art auctions, and to buy funky sweaters. in short, i wanted to be claire, and i wanted to marry heathcliff.

all of these marital requirements were, of course, subconcious- just childhood admiration of a tv couple. and they were forgotten about when the show was canceled and i started to grow up. until today that is, when i was taking a break from housework and watching the cosby show. and it struck me how similar grant is in his parenting tactics to dr. huxtable. when cate is upset about anything or has done anything wrong, grant tells her a goofy story or example, usually using crazy voices and defuses and teaches through laughter. i then began to make other connections, and decided i got pretty freaking close to my childhood fantasy of a husband. dang it if he doesn't do funny dances for me all the time, and run this house with silly faces and good hands on parenting.

so how am i measuring up to claire? well, my confidence and liberation is full and complete; that is comparable, i suppose. i can't, however, control grant with a look, and i would never call him whipped. and i don't have it quite as "together"; but that's okay because i've learned a few things about reality since those thursday nights of yesteryear: 1. it would be impossible to be a lawyer, have a doctor husband and both always be around to talk to the kids. this part was was not reality. 2. your house would never look that perfect or be that calm and organized with one child, and certainly not with five. this part was not reality. 3. there are real disappointments and disagreements in a marriage that need constant patience and forgiveness from both husband and wife. this part was not shown as much as was a husband that just did as he was told to avoid conflict (and tried to teach elvin to do the same. i loved elvin). that's just not marriage reality (for me anyway!).

what is my reality is two people who respect one another and try to laugh their way through the ups and downs of life while imperfectly teaching their child good principles. and i've learned i don't need to have a career to be complete, and i don't need to control my man to be powerful.

so as i laid on my bed this afternoon watching the cosby show, i decided i will always love them, they were such a great example to me of marital bliss. yes, i love the huxtables... but i'd rather be the mccalebs. any day of the week and twice on thursday.

some unprovoked angry words for cameron diaz

i was the founder and president of my middle school's envrionmental protection club beginning in 1990. i love the earth. i believe in having a garden, living simply, and limiting consumerism. dang near every one of our belongings are third hand, and we drive one non-gas guzzler and one 74 mile per gallon scooter.

and i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate the word "green". it makes my skin crawl.

i believe in a  "common sense stewardship". i don't subscribe to the ridiculous "intellectual superiority" that people who can afford to wear organic jeans have. it's maddening that celebrities, who are the world's most ridiculous and irresponsible consumers, and are in general uneducated hollywood partiers think to tell me what is right and wrong. guess what, cameron diaz? i purchase second hand things because it's all i can afford. i don't waste water or energy because i can't afford to. i don't fly all over or waste fuel because i can't afford to. i use paperless billing and fight junk mail because i don't have a personal assistant and my time is precious. i take care of the outdoors because god created it. i am a wise steward because my religion teaches me so. ok, go back to your party and your joint with drew barrymore now, cameron diaz.

ps- do you like her fashionable bag? the brilliant activist wore it in peru while touring there. it's emblazoned with one of mao zedong's favorite communist political slogans, in a country where a maoist insurgency killed 70,000 of their people. awesome. oh, she apologized. right before telling me to save water by brushing my teeth in the shower. (what? she really said that. think about it. what???) cam, how many bags does that make that you own? like 300? how very, very green.

in conclusion, be sure to listen to all those hollywood celebrities out there when deciding whom to vote for. they know what they're talking about.

ps- i really like cameron diaz in movies.

my favorite teachings of the prophet gordon b. hinckley

“Under the plan of heaven, the husband and the wife walk side by side as companions, neither one ahead of the other, but a daughter of God and a son of God walking side by side. Let your families be families of love and peace and happiness. Gather your children around you and have your family home evenings, teach your children the ways of the Lord, read to them from the scriptures, and let them come to know the great truths of the eternal gospel as set forth in these words of the Almighty."

"The way will be lighter, the worries will be fewer, the confrontations will be less difficult if we cultivate a spirit of happiness."

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

". . . I am satisfied . . . that whenever a man has a true witness in his heart of the living reality of the Lord Jesus Christ all else will come together as it should."

“May the sunlight of faith ever warm your hearts. May you grow in strength and capacity as the years pass. May your outreach to others be as that of the good Samaritan. May the service which you render be fruitful for good in the lives of others. May prayer be a part of your daily activity. May reading enhance your knowledge and increase your understanding. May you be true and faithful one to another, and may the years bring to you that peace which passeth all understanding, the peace which comes of following the precepts of the Master”

"Let your children be exposed to great minds, great ideas, everlasting truth, and those things which will build and motivate for good."

"Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth."

"I testify that our prayers, offered in humility and sincerity, are heard and answered. It is a miraculous thing, but it is real."

“Before I married her, she was the girl of my dreams,” he said. “She was my dear companion for more than two thirds of a century, my equal before the Lord – really my superior. Now in my old age, she has again become the girl of my dreams.” President Hinckley said he has seen too many marriages end in tragedy because of arrogance and degradation. In his estimation, if men and women were to do whatever it took to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her counterpart, there would be little or no divorce. “Arguments would never be heard, accusations would never be leveled, angry explosions would not occur,” he said. “Rather love and concern would replace abuse and meanness.” In President Hinckley’s 67 years of marriage, he could not remember one serious quarrel or argument with his wife. The prophet pleaded with the men of the church “to look for and nurture the divinity that lies within their companions.” He said that harmony, peace and enrichment of family life are results of such treatment. “The cure for most marriage troubles does not lie in divorce; it lies in repentance and forgiveness, and expressions of kindness and concern,” he said. “We can live together in the God-given pattern of marriage and accomplish that which we are capable, if we will exercise discipline of self and refrain from trying to discipline our companion.” President Hinckley said women are endowed with certain divine qualities and that men should give them the opportunity to express their qualities and talents. According to President Hinckley, Sister Marjorie Hinckley summed up her gratitude for her husband’s encouragement in one statement. 'You’ve always given me wings to fly, and I’ve loved you for it,' she said"

-quotes/writings from Gordon B. Hinckley, prophet and president of the LDS church, who passed away last night. he was the prophet who came to byu (when i was a ungrateful 20 year old who didn't really want to be there and wasn't really trying) and told us not to be "scrubs", encouraged us to make the jump from mediocrity to excellence, and to walk a little taller...and with those words changed the course of my life. he was the prophet while i was a missionary and later a teacher at the mtc- in total about three years- of daily testifying that he truly spoke with the lord and was leading the church as his mouthpiece, and feeling the spirit confirm that again and again to my heart and to those i was teaching.

i am going to miss his bright optimism and expressions of love. his encouragement and true christianity. but i am so happy for him! i tried to imagine his reception in heaven and i thought it must've been glorious! and to be with his wife again! he expressed his lonliness these past few years and i'm so happy they are together again. my favorite quote of all time was said by sister hinckley, and i think it is especially applicable and true of the hinckleys entrance to heaven:

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenck's lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived." -marjorie pay hinckley, wife of the prophet.

*****i'll announce the birthday giveaway winner tomorrow. thanks so much for all the well wishes!!

december to do list*

• look out the window on a snowy afternoon in a cozy blanket on the couch.
• dip toast in hot chocolate.
• take twelve long bubble baths.
• re watch the entire gilmore girls series.
• read the beatles by bob spitz.
• go to costco to look at books, eat samples, and pick up a few presents.
• at least one day, sleep till eleven.
• take penny lane on a walk or ten.
• go thrifting.
• go through old december and january marthas.
• bake bake bake.
• crochet some granny squares.
• take grant on a date and then come home and cozy with a fire.
• make a quilt.
• watch christmas vacation, elf, it's a wonderful life, sleepless in seatle, and star wars.

*note to self: all totally optional. you have no actual commitments for the rest of the month. relax. enjoy your family. lay around. sit by the fire. whatever. simplify and have a merry christmas.

the new member of our family

i can't believe it, but i am a dog owner. all the puppies were sold off and ours delivered this weekend. luckily grant knows what he's doing because i have no idea what goes into the proper care and feeding of our new four legged baby. but i know how to take photos, so that's my job:

tuesdays and thursdays

cate was thinking outloud the other day: "i love every holiday...my birthdaaay, christmassss, valentinessss, fanksgiviiiiing, halloweeeeeeeen, oh! and tuesdays and fursdays!" those are the days she goes to preschool. i hope she will always think that school is as fun as christmas, but somehow i doubt it. so for now i will just enjoy her happy dances and excited smiles as she waits for the carpool with her toast every tuesday and thursday. oh how i love her.

warm refletions on things i have done while having a premenstrual episode, autobiographical

• stayed up till 4am watching nick at nite alone with two huge scones and tons of honey butter the night before my first day of classes at byu, sleept through all of them, awoke at 3pm and packed my car to go home. unpacked it an hour later and watched nick at nite till 3am.
• yelled at a post office worker with a hoard of people in line to witness it.
• yelled at a post office patron who was acting like a post office worker.
• yelled at my sister's kids for answering the door/ opening the blinds; commanded them to be still and perfectly quiet if they heard a knock unless i said otherwise.
• called del taco after coming home to find our bag missing a much needed quesadilla to tell them, quite forcibly, to have it ready and hot in exactly 4 minutes, and bring it outside when they hear a honk.
• came in my pajamas with a full plate of food and tall drink of you-know-what sans paper or pen or notebook to relief society meeting and ate and nodded the whole time.
• spent all of the money i had for groceries for the week on the family ties season one dvd set.
• banged on the locked door of the totally dark losee jewlers because it was still two minutes till closing time and i wanted to drop my rings off for a clean. yes, they did open it for the crazy lady. i also made sure to grab a few snicker bites from their candy dish.
• put extra yarn in the yarn grab bag at d.i. because i was so mad that they raised their prices again, and demanded to see a manager because they were pricing everyday food magazines as a recipe book instead of a magazine.
• ate an entire (insert appropriate bake/cook ware) of (insert any food you should only have a little of.)
• sobbed through 3 hours of church like a crazy woman (on the couch of course, not in the classes)  the bishop took notice as he walked by several times. he stopped by our house later to "see how we were doing" and i acted like life was grand and offered him a cookie. the next morning he drove past me speeding down a hill on my beach cruiser, my hair flying, wearing pajamas with the bottoms cuffed so as to not get caught in the spokes, holding a diet coke in one hand because i wanted some fresh air and a drinkie. (i am not making this up and it was about 2 months ago).

i don't think i need to go on (i could, for a long time, trust me, and the word "yelled" would appear quite a bit more) to prove my points which are this: 1. pms is very very real, and the bane of my existence. my "s" was replaced with "dd" many years ago. all of these things i do make me laugh hysterically about a week later, when i feel absolutely no desire to behave in like manner; and 2. for every ounce of creativity i have, i have a pound of crazy. i'm pretty sure that's a scientific equation. i'm also pretty sure the equation is true across the board. could you help me prove my theory? as part of your comment would you give two numerical values? first, a rating of 1-10 of your creativity levels; and second, a rating of 1-10 of the craziness in your mind grapes (shout out to 30rock). i do realize this is a highly subjective, no one blind, uncontrolled, and unscientific experiment from which absolutely nothing can be concluded. still, your cooperation is appreciated.

updates

update on my hermitism: i am in awe of the nice things you all said, and how many kindred spirits there are out there. and with that, i go back into seclusion. just kidding! my plans for the weekend include lots of emailing and checking out all of your blogs and getting to know you all a little better, as well as making some calls to california, and hanging out with a few girlfriends. "thanks ya'll" (said like britney spears- gross did you see her vma performance?) i am so grateful that so many of you "get" me, and i'm excited to call you my friends, talk to you soon.

update on my lunch routine obsession: i've said before that i eat the same thing for lunch every day, and it rotates only upon the shifting of the moons...a change has come. a delicious change. i recommend it whole heartedly. i use a greek pita as the crust (key), and any tomato sauce (homemade, jarred spagetti sauce, etc.), fresh mozzarella, chopped garlic (very, very important), and veggies (zuccini is a fave- tomatoes, corn, bell peppers, yum) sprinkle a little e.v.o.o. on top and cook at 400 degrees for 5-10 minutes. coarse salt and pepper (you lika da peppa?) oh my.

update on my brother in law tyler, 26 year old stroke victim: i'm going to let the pictures do the talking. he is doing fantastic, and has started to pose again. he still has some "glitches" but his determination and work ethic are making miracles happen. look at his progress here!

update on my photography experiment: i have love love loved doing all the photo shoots this summer, they kept me busy, progressing, and feeling creative. this month i feel ready to get some lenses i've been wanting, and i'm bound and determined to learn photo shop (tara pakosta- can i fly to your house for a weekend intensive?). in the mean time, i have some family shoots lined up in idaho falls the last weekend of this month, if anyone else in the area is interested, email me, and i can fit you in too.

update on our infertility: grant has taken antibiotics for his skin for like, a long time, which we recently found out is toxic to sperm (why is this not the first thing they ask???). his meds were switched yesterday, and sperm count should be normal in about 90 days. i am taking advantage of the 90 days of no "waiting to see" stress by getting massages, exercising, taking prenatels, generally relaxing, and eating nutritiously so that i will be primed for conception!

update on why living in utah is cool: we are getting a steve and barry's. the list of stores that i have ordered to be built here is nearing completion. some are taking a little too long (trader joes i'm talking to you! h&m i'm getting sick of your defiance....)

update on the power of the force: it is still not to be underestimated.

creating the life i've dreamed of...(10 year plan)

in less than six months i will be turning 30. the age in and of itself doesn't bother me one bit, although i had previously assumed by 30 i would be a little more "settled" in life (i.e. having more than one child, owning a home, feeling like an adult, etc.) i'm thinking it's too late to worry about where i'll be in life when i turn 30, and instead start planning for where i'd like to be at 40, so maybe it won't catch me so off-guard next time a decade of my life is gone. and so, for the record, here's what i'd like to accomplish in my life over the course of the next 10 years....

• figure out how the heck to have a few more children. adoption has been on my brain lately, but the more i consider it the more my heart tells me we will be able to conceive...soon.
• never miss holding a family home evening, pray on my knees (not laying in bed) at night and in the morning, live providently, learn to do family history, and live in an area long enough to become part of the ward family there.
• feel healthy. kick diet coke once and for all (that, my friends, will take the whole of a decade to accopmlish). make peace with moderation.
• have a cottage home i have made "mine" inside and out, without debt.
• be a better friend (answer my phone) and in general be more kind.
• teach cate to play piano/guitar, sew, cook, and love literature (and future children).
• establish a vintage craft supplies and fabric store (out of my home/ my website).
• and one tiny little one for my mental health: be able to afford a weekly massage, a really great yoga instructer, and fantastic skin care products.

wow. reading over that list makes me feel euphoric, it really represents all my current desires. what do you think? too lofty? but what else have i got to do for the next 10 years?

isn't it divine?

painted by cate today, as a birthday gift for her dad. the following conversation ensued:

me: cate that is so pretty! i really love it!

cate: well, jesus tells me what colors to use, that is why it's so good.

me: wow, how does he tell you? you just feel it?

cate: yes, he will say "pink" and then tell me where. and then "yellow"... from the sky!

me: well, it sounds like he wants you to be an artist. are you going to paint your whole life?

cate: yes, and i can paint anything. jesus just tells me...

(cate just saw this post and said, "mom! you put my painting on upside down!!!")

a few hometown favorites

my favorite place to eat in tahoe is sprouts. some of my fondest high school memories involve snowy days where 1st and 2nd period were spent eating oatmeal with cut apples and honey here. comfort!

our favorite south shore beach is kiva. it's a locals hangout (read: further down the road, you have to walk a little, dogs are allowed, there's no beach side bars, and therefore much less crowded.) it was where i spent periods 3 and 4 of high school. kidding...sort of.

favorite activity...an evening walk. the evenings are so so gorgeous. the highlight of the trip for cate was our evening walks with the dog.

favorite picture from the trip: my brother kenny and sister coco showing how hot they think they are.

saturday garage sale-ing, tahoe edition

it doesn't matter if i'm in utah or tahoe or constantinople, my favorite sale-ing companion is a diet coke and an egg mcmuffin purchased at mcdonalds. but unfortunately when your dad makes you late for the breakfast menu by staying too long at a stinky estate sale, you are left with nothing to do but get angry at him while mcdonalds employees stare.

ah well, nothing more garage sales (and some fries) won't heal. off we go...look at my cool grandma as she reads "the paper" on our way to the next stop...(she loves to look for that turquoise jewlery). she announced as she read "i just don't like that angelina!" amen, grandma.

look at this gorgeous house. tahoe neighborhoods are so pretty. and everything always smells like a health food store. and there's always lots of literature on super foods and natural remedies.

a happy find! two great piano books. (i spent sunday afternoon playing edeilweiss and a few of my favorite things and bridge over troubled water and having a marvelous time, for less than a buck).

my very favoritist find was used later that day, to lay on at the beach. the maker wasn't a great seamstress (makes me love it more), but the colors and fabric patches are divine.

it was a good day. tomorrow morning we hit the farmer's market, more pics to share i'm sure. ciao.

the internal battle is over

i am going to reconcile myself to loving where i live- the state of utah, that is. i have been waiting to feel like we were supposed to move somewhere else ever since we got married. i have not always been, let's say, excited, about residing in utah. i like beaches. i like "california cuisine". i like shirts to be worn without tank tops over them. the culture here is sometimes a bit, well, weird new to me. but all that has changed. utah, i love you. because,

1. while attending a little community carnival i felt joy. thought i, what a quaint little town!
2. today while thrifting we stopped at down east, a discount store carrying seconds by brands from pottery barn to chip & pepper. they also make their own line of the cutest modest clothing. only in utah.
3. the mountains really are beautiful. really really pretty.
4. i feel very safe.
5. since i have lived here, we have welcomed an anthropologie, ikea, and forever 21, and coming soon an urban outfitters. good job, utah.
6. i live within 20 miles of 4 temples, including the one i was married in.
7. i never thought i would have those sweet alma mater feelings for my college, but now on the rare occaisions when i'm near the byu campus the beach boys start singin in my head and i get a little emotional. be true to your school. byu is awesome.
8. speaking of, i can attend byu education week next month with minimal expense or trouble. it's just down the way. drop cate off with a cousin set for a bit and go be inspired.
9. we get all four seasons, and how. i have been accustomed to the california 2 season life. actually having four of them is really cool. and utah celebrates each so well. fall, my favorite, is given a particular shout out with lots of harvest events, and beautiful falling leaves. love it.
10. need i mention it's family friendly? yes, it is.
11. c jane lives here. and gary coleman.
12. it's the only home cate has ever known.

did i miss anything?

bed time routine

1. read 10 books. typical selections: thumbelina, snow white, and anything by beatrix potter and sandra boynton. finish up with "scripture power".

2. cate's prayer. typical utterance: dear heavenly father, thank you for this day allllalallal blessiiiiiings. please bless my daddy who works hardly and my mom cooks real good. bless tyler be better and we love jesus. bless for a baby stister...

3. finish off by un-doing all the calming activities with a loud session of "bounce":

4. cate and grant laugh hysterically while i shake my head and say "ok, bed time" over and over.

a good day

have you ever laid by a pool (or even better, the ocean) at about 4 pm when the sun seems warmer but not as bright than when you first laid your towel down, and you are pleasantly thinking about what you want to make for dinner after the soothing shower you are just about ready to take? have you ever dove in for one final dip, floated on your back a little and closed your eyes only to still see the sun's warm rays on the inside of your eyelids? have you ever thought, thank you heavenly father, for this beautiful life i am living?

i had that kind of day. involved were friends, food, diet coke, a book, sunglasses, water, the sun, my girl- all really good things. those kind of carefree days have been few and far between lately. i don't know, i think i got busy, and forgot to just chill. but i do know that i need to have that kind of day a lot more. after today i feel like tomorrow i can conquer the world. i guess what i'm saying is, it pays to be good to yourself every now and again.

imitation is the highest form of flattery

i love my little shadow. i can hardly wait to see what she becomes..

do you know why we love to dance?

BEcause at the MCCALEB house, we LIVE to express ourselves. we are very FREE...we think everyone should LOOSEN up a bit, turn up the tunes, and let go with your BAD selves!!!!

way more than you ever wanted to know

the french philosopher, montaigne said, "my life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened." that my friends, is me in a nutshell. i have an over-active imagination that in childhood days was used for play and dreaming; now, in cynical adulthood, my imagination has turned against me into a constant portrayal of pending tragedy. i often fear the worst. then the fear turns to panic. fear of fear. over something as common and non- life- threatening as finding out why i'm infertile i had a panic attack. a suffocating-heart-pounding-i-think-i'm-going-to-die panic attack. it seems ridiculous to me now. absolutely ridiculous. and so much harder than going to the doctor.

i share this to tell anyone that is anxiety plagued like me to hold someone's hand and stop putting off what you know you need to do, whatever that may be. and get this book. it will change your life. it's a wonderful read for anyone. i've begun to tote it in my purse and read bits whenever i need a calming affect. much of his writing reminds us that jesus told us sufficient is the evil of today to deal with that we don't need to worry about the morrow (until the morrow). give us THIS day our daily bread. planning and preparing are vastly different than worry and anxiety. the best way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all your intelligence and enthusiasm on doing today's work superbly today. from the book:

"we are standing at the meeting of two eternities: the vast past and future. we can't possibly live in either of those two eternities...but by trying to do so we can wreck both our bodies and our minds. so live from now until bedtime. 'anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall,' wrote robert lewis stevenson, 'anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. and this is all life really means.'"

golden slumber :: a day in the life

a long list of to-do's.

go potty! we've gotta go!

buckle. unbuckle. buckle. unbuckle.

hold my hand. c'mon let's go! over here.

stay by me!

sit down. hang on. do you need to go potty?

stay by me!

no, we'll get that next time. why don't you put it on your christmas list?

you're being good, just one more stop...

buckle. unbuckle.

just one more, i promise...

just one more...

and

finally.

buckle. silence. golden sun streaming in from the west. 

unbuckle.

i carry her in and start dinner.

cate's room gets a spring freshen up

inspiration pieces- old navy shoes, a thrifted painting, a bird from nie nie, and a vintage frame:

i really like the clothesline we hung up. one just didn't seem like enough, so we put up two:

it's a great place to hang cate's artwork and her favorite pictures of her daddy. (ps- you can purchase that apron here). i love these old creweled pieces that i picked up for a couple quarters.i had to remove some old gross trims, but i think they are so cheery on the wall:

cate's favorite is the pretty view in front of her sewing desk; my favorite is the $4 painting that i stare at when i'm in there. i don't know what inspired the artist, but i call it "sacred grove".

i love it. it looks clean and cheery. good thing i love white linens and furniture- who knows what colors will strike our fancy in the summer, fall, and winter?

my design philosophy? have less, manage less, clutter less, spend less. surround yourself with a few beautiful things you love and inspire happiness, especially repurposed pieces with history. amen.

 

reader question: what are your summer plans?

i hate the heat. i have always dealt with it by living by a beach. but now i'm landlocked and pretty bratty about it. but i am really going to try to relish the summer this year. cate and i made popsicles today out of fresh pressed apples. (try it- you won't feel guilty giving your kid treat after treat if it's frozen fruit- and it takes 5 minutes). other ways we're going to enjoy the summer?

• spend at least one night as a family sleeping on the grass under the stars telling stories.
• go on no fewer than 3 all day hike/picnic days before summer's end.
• beach camping in malibu for a week!! woohoo.
• grill grill grill. everything. fruit. veggies. bread. and lots of juicy meat.
• take advantage of warm mornings and get out and exercise first thing.
• keep s'more ingredients on hand and use the fire pit for said s'more-ing regularly.
• um, pool time, duh. like a lot of it.
• finish all the books i keep borrowing from the zufelts.
• start a craft circle/ toddler play group (email me if interested!!)
• buy produce from farm stands.
• windows open, fans humming, clean house, grapefruit lotion, pleasant moods.

so, what do you do in the summer time? i'd love to expand my list of to-do's...

the circle of life

"the woman who bore me is no longer alive, but i seem to be her daughter in increasingly profound ways."  - johnetta b. cole.

like in how i'm constantly applying moisturizer to my face wrapped in a robe. or how i hear things come out of my mouth to my child that was exactly what she said to me, that i swore i wouldn't say. or how i piddle around the house cleaning and thinking and planning and praying. and how my legs have begun to "percilate" and how i justify actions by saying "for once in my life i'm going to be selfish." and, of course, how i'm always telling cate to put on something cozy and pull her hair back.

mom, i miss you. i have moments of forgetfulness often when i am upset and reach for the phone to call you, only to be hit with the realization all over again that i can't. i want to hear your laugh, your voice whispering prayers from your bathroom, your pajama bottoms whishing around the house, dr. laura on your radio, and your yawn-scream in the morning when you wake up. but then i hear my identical laugh, my prayers, my pj bottoms, my talk radio, and my yawn-scream and i realize you are always with me. love, kelly (the 5th child who "ruined your body forever").

get your pajamas on

i am super excited to answer all the questions, and i shall. but i have something to say first. i have been reading with great interest all the praise for aprons during the delightful apron week on the blog de cjane. during my reading i asked myself at least 42 times why i don't don an apron more. i am always cleaning, cooking, painting, and other dirty activities. i love aprons. i sew them. i just never ever put them on after they get put in the special drawer. i believe i have found the answer. my own alternative to the apron: pajamas. i am always in pajamas.

i blame my mother. she was always in pajamas. and she was always saying "go get your pajamas on...and your hair out of your face.." thus the uniform for a girl in my family became lightweight drawstring bottoms (prefered because we are blessed with ample middles and a tendency for hot flashes), a baggy perfect shirt with bleach spots, and the hair twisted up in a high bun. we have an obsessive need to always be comfortable and cozy and i blame my mother.

i see the great divide that stands between a pajama donning, throwing on a sweatshirt when someone's at the door so they don't see you're not wearing a bra, feeling it doesn't matter what gets all over these 'ol rags----and the ladies that are smashingly dressed and need a layer of cloth to cover their pretty clothes. and i think about crossing that divide to the land of the dressed and make-up'd on non-weekend-days. but then i remember how comfortable i am. i blame my mother.

don't feel too bad for me. the pajamas will make their way off to spend some time out here...

as i am currently in arizona to babysit the neices and nephew for a bit. on the agenda? chipotle, chipotle, swim, chipotle, swim, swim, sew. yep, the shop will be updated tomorrow at noon with some delightfuls! so make sure you check it out.

and now to answer a question before concluding... let's start with my favorite one asked by my friend sara h:  "how did you get so ridiculously good looking?"

answer: many, many things contribute to my striking good looks; i couldn't possibly give all the credit to one beauty secret. but here's a few i am willing to divulge: 1. never, ever, under any circumstances wash the make-up off your face before bed. along the same lines, brushing your teeth in the evening is optional. 2. 64+ ounces of diet coke a day will keep you looking radiant! 3. only buy a bra once every decade. don't worry. oprah is wrong alot. 4. i really like to hold on to an extra 10-20 pounds. i find that my smile is so much more charming when surrounded by great round cheeks and a generous chin. 5. always wear your pajamas.

the life i've dreamed of

dear dear etsy. there is so much i love about you. i love that you have drawn amazing artists and indie crafters like a right-brained magnet. i love that when i purchase from your sellers all the profits go right to the artist; this makes me happy thrice because: 1. sellers can actually make good money! 2. buyers appreciate handmade because usually they are themselves excited etsy artists spreading the wealth! and, 3. because there's no middleman to mark up costs (it's 100% markup in boutiques)- prices stay low. i love the handpicked items on the home page each day. i love that i can shop by color. i love that people heart me and i heart people. i love love love the wealth of talent and true craftsmanship that i find whenever i wander about your shops. and finally, dear, dear etsy, i love you because you have made it possible to live the life i've dreamed of. creating from home and making a dime or two while being happy that other's can buy handmade for a reasonable sum. thank you so much etsy for existing. you have made my life infinately better.

i can't tell you enough how much i believe in supporting {good, uplifting} art and having {good, uplifting} art and the handmade in your home. as for my shop, the update on tuesday will finally have some quiet books that i've had a lot of people ask about purchasing, a few more vintage and bird scrap kits, and a surprise or two! i love you, etsy. and i love you happy little life readers!

just the two of us and life is good

every time i start to get sad about how i'm having trouble getting pregnant, all i have to do is remember how awesome my life is with my little best friend. we sleep in till 10. we make waffles and talk about our crazy dreams from the night before. then a little tidying is in order...

then some yoga (pronounced "oga"), a little crafting, then we decide we better get ready (it's now 2 pm when we hop in the bubble bath) for the days errands and "drudgeries"...

drudgeries like a smoothie and quesadilla before a little shopping. then it's home to make dinner for daddy and relax together. nope. i have nothing to be sad about. quite the opposite actually.

how i read harry potter, etc.

at the ripe old age of 24, i was pretty sure i might never get married. i had dated some  boys seriously before which led to nothing legally or lawfully happening. i was getting a little anxious. some of you might think that is young to be anxious about matrimony, but you will understand when i tell you this- sex before marriage was out of the question. get my anxiety now? so i was soooo ready to find the right guy, settle down, and start the baby making.

by 24 i had my single life figured out well. i had been a missionary for 18 months, was about ready to graduate college with my teaching certificate, and had waited tables to support myself for many years. combine my worldly experience with my natural fierce independence, rather smart brain and mouth, and complete inattention to social norms, and you might understand why most boys at byu were frightened of me. i could be a fearsome thing to behold. but i dug that. i thought it was a brilliant weeding out process. an intimidated boy is never attractive, and for me, well, i needed someone as zippy as i was. so i waited and put on no airs or good manners for anyone. i challenged every boy that sadly found himself in my living room. many failed.

grant mccaleb passed test one by not being afraid to flirt with me even after walking in on me kissing my ex boyfriend who was also my next door neighbor. in fact, he made fun of me for liking a nerd. (to which i giggled). he one upped the guys who were unafraid to debate the minutia of life with me, yes he did much better than them. he didn't care. he let me rant, half listened with a smile, but just kind of gave me no feedback until finally saying something like "calm down" and then cracked a joke about something else so that i forgot what i even was ranting about. i loved him.

first real date: byu basketball game and dinner. i brought along an enormous bag which held an enormous blanket i was crocheting. when i say enormous, i mean enormous. grant had to help me carry it in. i was trying to make the world's warmest tv blanket for the tahoe house (side note- i eventually succeeded and it is still in use today. in fact when my brother came to the house after my mom died at her work he saw that she had been cozied up in it on the couch the night before). i really thought i was already in love with this guy, but just to be sure i brought along something to work on. we sat with a bunch of his friends who had looks on their faces like "what the crap is she doing?" but grant unaffectedly held my yarn while i worked and expertly untangled knots that happen when you crochet with four skeins at once. he was the one.

here's the point of my little tale. some have wondered (love ya robyn) how i have time to make all the stuff i do. i will tell you. i have yet to find anything that is so riveting that i don't also need to be doing something else. if i am watching a movie i am also scrapbooking. if i am riding in the car i am also crocheting. if i am in the bath i am also eating breakfast and reading scriptures. if i am hanging out with a friend i am also taking pictures. if i am waiting anywhere for anything i am also reading. if i am playing with cate, we are playing sewer or cooker. if i am at a red light, i am plucking my eyebrows in the rear view mirror. if i am on a first date with the man i am going to marry i am also working on a blanket. if i am sitting at church i am wishing grant would let me knit. i multi task. i read the entire harry potter series on the toilet. seriously. i never took them out of the bathroom, and eventually they were all completed. amazing, eh? the power of multi tasking. i  do envy those of you who can go to the bathroom for 20 seconds without being bored, but alas, my burden to bear in this life dictates otherwise. i am a multi tasker.

picture circa 2005 entitled kelly in heaven (busy busy) curtesy g.m.mccaleb

a letter to anne with an e...

dear anne shirley, i had a bad day yesterday. this morning i woke up not wanting to repeat it, cuddled up in my bed and read a few chapters about your life in avonlea. it did the trick. thank you for reminding me that although we are very much imperfect people, constantly finding ourselves in folly, life is still beautiful, and creative, and whatever you want to make of it. and thank you for showing me that it's ok to be yourself completely, even if you seem ridiculous to others. and that even if you are, in fact, ridiculous, there will always be kindred spirits to share your heart with. and i want to thank you for being my kindred spirit as a child, who was equally precocious and dramatic. when i was eight i once told a new acquantaince of my mother's that i was "well in body although considerably rumpled in spirit". it has been a life-long desire of mine to visit prince edward's island, although in truth, i probably won't ever go, for fear of finding out that there isn't really a house at green gables, or the lake of shining waters, or the avonlea school. or that, heaven forbid, you don't really exist. yours truly, k.m.