my happy little life

i know easter is old blog news, but...

(mary and the resurrected Christ by simon dewey)

i keep thinking about how wonderful a holiday it is. i do love the spring celebration, the pastels, the eggs and celebrating the rebirth of all around us. and tonight i find myself thinking about what all these things are meant to represent, the true meaning of the holiday, which continues to resonate in my soul. Christ rose again and broke the bands of death and hell for all mankind. please indulge me while i share a few of my thoughts on the importance of this event.

i have been studying and thinking a lot about hope. after having faith, the scriptures teach us hope is essential in order to have the greatest gift, charity. and what is it we should hope for? "behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise" (moroni 7:41). this verse to me makes the trivials of daily life seem so unimportant. faith and hope leads us to charity and eternal joy with Christ and our families- it's just the perspective i need to think about as constantly as a human being can.

i have struggled since i was a child with dark thoughts, irrational fears, and negativity. the adversary knows well what will drain me of hope. as i have been making a conscious effort to not indulge the ugly thoughts, but dare to hope for good things to come, for peace, for guidance through trials, for wonderful moments, i've seen miracles happen in my life. small ones, but the kind that get you through. the kind you can build on, line upon line (see isaiah 28:10).

the kind that testifies to my soul that this verse is true: "wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God" (ether 12:4).

i know that without the life, atonement, and resurrection of Christ there would be nothing to hope for. life would end at death, if we were even permitted to live, that is. but with Christ's sacrifice we can have peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come. he is risen! he is risen! tell it out with joyful voice! he has burst his three days' prison; let the whole wide earth rejoice! death is conquered, man is free, Christ hath won the victory! i am so grateful for that truth, and for Christ's assurance: "they that are whole need not a physician, but they that are sick" (matthew 9:12). i am ever so sick... and ever so hopeful in my physician.

sunday thought/ trying to use my iphone for good rather than solitaire

when i need a boost and i'm cozy in bed or in my car, etc. i look to the archives on lds.org. the other day i found this, and have read it a dozen times since. also, today coco texted me a quote  which i needed to read so badly and really should read everyday of my life. it's from gordon b. hinckley's speech at his wife's funeral:

"it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. it all works out. don't worry. i say that to myself every morning. it will all work out. put your trust in god, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. the lord will not forsake us. he will not forsake us. if we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers." ...hope your sunday is peaceful and hopeful...

spiritual guidance and bravery

gosh, i had to write this out and stick it up on my desk. i so struggle with being brave. i struggle with taking chances and following my heart. i struggle the most with fearing failure. i am always afraid to commit to things because i cannot promise you i will not have a nervous breakdown in the middle of said commitment. i quit things.

lately, as much as i have wanted my prayer answers to be things like, "go to such and such infertility clinic and you'll be cured" or "go to this or that adoption agency, there is a baby waiting for you" or "eat only such and such for a few months and you'll conceive"- that is not what is happening. instead, i am feeling prompted, tugged, dragged, even begged by the heavens to go back to school and get that masters in social work i planned on getting in retirement...like, now.

i know that kind of talk to those who don't believe in spiritual guidance, in life "missions", in the holy ghost, in god guiding our lives, is eye-rolling at best and maddening at worst. and that's ok. but i do believe in it. and have seen miracles in my life as i have followed that still, small voice that burns like a fire in my heart- even when what i was feeling to do didn't make sense to anyone else, or even me.

can i tell you something? i hate being home alone all day. oh, i stay busy. my house is spotless, my scriptures are read, i exercise, my hampers always empty. i usually find a way to help someone somehow everyday. i work slowly along on my quilt patterns and such for the etsy shop. i run errands alone. i know, it sounds like a dream life.

i'm bored.

there's more in me. i know there is something else i'm supposed to be doing right now. i feel strongly to stop focusing on getting pregnant for a couple of years. long enough to get my schooling done and begin working on my mental health and substance abuse counseling licensure.

and this declaration begs the question: why do i feel like i have to share with the whole wide web my every agonizing decision? my every heart wrenching acceptance? my every ever-changing plans?

because i am not brave. so here it is world wide web, my promise: i will do what i feel to do, despite the knot of fear in my stomach. despite the wish that i could just have a "cookie cutter" mormon housewife life (does that exist?). i will give up the caution, not worry about failure, and do what i know i am to do right now.

i just received a timely email from an inspired woman who is working on her counseling licensure, and had an unexpected opportunity come up to adopt and took it. unknown to her the baby was drug addicted and required incredible amounts of extra care. at the same time she experienced yet another of many miscarriages. boy, life is hard and messy and my heart ached for her. but the message that she wrote to me at the end of her story was this, and i swear it changed my life:

"you can do both [deal with family and your education and whatever else comes your way] so long as you really want to and are willing to make some sacrifices; i am confident you will do both and you will do them well. it may be stressful at times but i have found not doing the things i feel i am meant to do in life (be a mother and protect children who have been hurt) more stressful than anything."

that is the stress and depression i am fighting right now: i'm not doing what i feel i am meant to do at this point in my life! the denial of that mission is so much harder than what it will take to get it done! is that crazy talk to you? or mind blowing wisdom and answer from heaven like it is to me?

i need to remind myself of a few things, too. forgive me for a moment while i remember who i am and what i've accomplished: i served an honorable and successful mission. i graduated from byu with good grades and a high school teaching credential while spending the majority of my time at one of my two jobs or snowboarding and rock climbing and enriching my life. and because i spent my whole childhood and adolescence developing skills like music, sewing, knitting, and also working hard at paid jobs, i have always been able to find a way to supplement my husband's income without leaving my daughter. from cleaning houses, to teaching piano, to running my successful etsy shop.

when did i forget how capable i am? how strong? i think, for me, infertility made me feel broken. i'm used to being able to do things, and this thing i could not do. i felt broken and then i broke down. it's time to be humble, listen, and trust. accept other paths that i have formerly deemed unacceptable. god knows me and is aware. he has things for me to do while i wait for my other angels. and i know those angels will come. i know it with that very same burning in my heart that has always led me aright. there is time. plenty of time.

brigham young university and brady benson

my cute nephew is far from his family in illinois attending his first year at byu. we decided to do a photo shoot for his mom's birthday because she misses him so much. it was a real sacrifice for me, as being on that campus gives me instant anxiety attacks and flashbacks that i have tests and papers due but i unwisely (wisely?) chose to go snowboarding all week and now i have to pump out work and speed read. anyway, she is going to be missing him for a lot longer now, since he was just called to serve in the japan sapporo mission! he lived with his family for five years in tokyo, so the language will come quick to him. and his dad served there too- remember that talk in conference about the father and son that served in japan? so perfect. so proud of you brades! and i'm glad you're so much more disciplined as a student than i was...he's rocking it and so cute.

hello, there

i would like to say that there are three ways to know if i am feeling mentally ill. 1. cate gets a school lunch, not healthy food from home. 2. we do not have our ten minute piano time together after school, and 3. i do not blog.

these three things have been true for the last seven days. and then, monday, october 3, 2011 saw a lovingly made home lunch put in the backpack, a fun little piano theory exercise together after school, and here i am! look at me blogging!

i would also like to say that i learned a few things from my mom about living with these unpredictable states of mind. even when you are temporarily not up to your, shall we call it, "best" self- family scripture study and prayer and making your bed/ tidying the house are non-negotiables. i can do those things in robot i hate life mode. she also taught me that cereal is in fact acceptable for dinner and therefore it does not cause me guilt (the way the original three facts i pointed out do), even when i serve* it many nights in a row.

*serve: "go get yourself some cereal".

one clarification: while i do feel guilty for any slight in cate's routine, i don't feel guilty when i don't blog. i just feel sad. i like to say things. i like to take pictures. and when the pleasure is lost from those activities, well, i know i have the mean reds.

was it conference that pulled me out of it? yes! and no. the "bad week" was over at the same time that i heard elder hales talk (please watch, please) and then the universe lined up and i felt like i could perform the duties of my life again with some confidence and commitment and capability.

so anyway, i had a very good day today. i hope you did as well. if not, chin up. pray, hold on. and remember, it will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end. also, you probably are just experiencing pms.

i believe this

source of print, source of quote