i love: this girl, rock music, and that shirt.
had to HAD TO have this shirt the second i saw it- a childhood play on one of my fave old school bands.
had to HAD TO take pictures of her today because she just looked so scrumptious, and the sun was shining in the crispy weather.
good times.
you can buy this and other rad shirts or onesies here.
it's my sort-of sis-in-laws shop. it rocks.
there's a vw bus baby onesie. for real, check it out.
it made me happy.
also making me happy? the new moon soundtrack- death cab, bon iver, thom yorke, more...it's really good.
listen to it here.
dear cate,
i know i have been being kind of hard on you lately. i'm writing to say i'm sorry. that is one of the bummers of being an only child. yes, you get lots of treats and love and attention, but when you are an only child you also get parents who aren't ever distracted and can watch and correct you more often. that stinks! i'm going to work really hard on just letting you be a kid. and i'm going to work really hard on making sure we both get enough sleep so mornings aren't so grumpy! i never ever want to be mean to you- there is already too much meanness out there to deal with in life. i want your home, and your mother, to be a safe haven from the cruel world. please forgive me! let's go on a bike ride after school, ok? i love you!
love, mom
dear lizzie, i miss you.
just relaxin listening to fleet foxes.
best tip ever ever ever to help your child learn to ride a two wheeler: take the pedals off. they push it around and push it around with their feet until they are so comfortable balancing that you put the pedals back on and they ride away. it really works and was so awesome. we didn't have to run behind her once. woohoo, go cate!
this afternoon, while grant and i lightly napped, cate lay nearby with pen and paper. among her writings: the words to a favorite song, i feel my savior's love. when i woke up and read it, i felt my savior's love, too.
i love sundays.
two seconds later....
i better go cozy her before she leaves for college...
cate and me, taken by tara
i believe there are two types of hard days when you're a mom. the first kind, and most common kind, is just your typical 'if i don't get some peace and quiet heads are gonna roll' day. naps wouldn't be had, the whole neighborhood full of kids were in your kitchen asking for drinks, you were on the phone all day with the insurance, you were called stupid by a five year old, and there is marker all over the wall and the body of the party who claims innocence. these are the days that mostly can be melted away with a bath and a book at midnight, a walk, a trip to target, going to mcdonalds for dinner and letting the kids play in the play place while you sip a diet coke, or whatever floats your me-time boat.
but there's another kind of hard day. a kind that hurts a little more. growth is always painful, and this kind of day stretches and grows all your mommy muscles. i had a day like this recently. it was ugly.
a few nights ago cate was particularly unwilling to go to bed. i was particularly mad at her because she has been so grumpy in the mornings due to a chronic unwillingness to go to bed. i finally scared/ threatened her enough to make her stay in her room, but she was screaming at me across the house from her bed, and i quote: "mooooooooooom! you're so duuuuuuuuumb! i'm so hungry. my body is empty, just bones and bloooooooooood! if you don't bring me some applesauce i'm going to slap your faaaaaaaaaaace! you wanna get slapped?"
(i feel i must point out, i have never said that to her before and i don't know where she got it. i mean, where did she get that she's only bones and blood when she's hungry? who knows.)
and it got worse, but i'll save you the details. let's just say, it ended with grant calming her down and laying with her till she fell asleep and me in the bathroom crying. i really try to be a good mom. i really try to be nice. and i thought, if this is what she thinks of me now, what's it going to be like when she's 16? am i not getting pregnant because i'm such a crappy mom and i can't handle more than one child and it's an act of mercy on God's part? and on the pity party went.
then i decided to pray. i asked for help and guidance in total humility. meaning, i was determined to follow and do whatever prompting i received, even if it hurt. i was hoping for a bed time routine and parenting tips to be written in the sky for me. but, as usual, no exact instructions came. instead what floated into my mind and heart was a clear picture of how much my Heavenly Father loves me. i felt how much he does for me despite how incredibly imperfect i am, how i am so quick to be demanding and yet slow to obey, how much i whine when i really should be only living in thanksgiving daily, and how often i fall short in kindness offered to others. most importantly, i felt how patient He is with me as i work all this out throughout my life. i felt how much mercy i require daily, and how it might be just a little more than i am willing to give out. and how i have just as many bad mommy habits as cate has bad five year old habits.
in short, my heart heard: "cate is just a child. be kind and patient, and she'll get there. like I am with you."
that's not to say cate doesn't need to be trained up right, and punished for true naughtiness. but sometimes, no, all the time, that can be done with a soft tone, an extra measure of love, and a consistent good example of the kind of behavior i want her to emulate (whoops). that sounds hard. i'm glad i'm not in this alone.
grow, mommy, grow.
p.s.- additional reading on hard mommy days found here, by my friend sara. she had a tough one this week, too. and i think she got the same answer i did. i really appreciated her honest words on how hard it can be to even know what's the right thing to do, let alone do it.
p.p.s. - yes, grant and i have been saying "you wanna get slapped?" in our best cate with attitude impression and laughing hysterically ever since.
p.p.s.s. - i hope your mother's day is restful and full of appreciation and french toast! i'm going to be updating all weekend, sharing some thoughts and images that celebrate motherhood. because it's important. and because i'm pretty sure that i'm a mommy blogger. how do you know if you're a mommy blogger? anyway.
she has already written about 30 songs during her short career, so far, with more being added daily. while her first penned lyrics were sweet and naive, in this past week that she's been writing, a maturity and depth of feeling has emerged. she's gone from singing about her cute puppy, to crooning about love and the hurt it leaves in its wake. her latest song is evidence of both the growth she's experiencing as a writer, and of the recent pains in her life that have allowed for it:
you read my books, you don't like love.
i love you but my heart is worse.
we have only to believe that a prolific career will come from her five-year-old days and nights of emotional release into song. we can be assured that someday you will hear on the radio her ballad entitled kelly, for example; a heart-wrenching plea to her mother to smile and go to her, not her cell phone and friends, when she is sad and needs a laugh:
please don't cry my kelly, i am your cakies
so you don't cry.
for ever. don't call your friends, i'm here.
so you get up and smile.
the inspiration comes at all hours, so cate has taken to sleeping with a flashlight and her notebook laid out next to her in her bed. and also a baggie of cereal, and stuffed animal, and a few books. i'm not sure if these additional items are instrumental to her writing process or just for fun- but whatever the artist needs, we don't question. her moodiness and demanding nature grow with every burst of genius that results in song. we avoid conflict.
but can i just say in all seriousness...it is so fun to watch her grow up. and a little like getting to watch a movie of my own childhood, this time as an observer. oh the piles of things i had in my bed relating to projects i was working on as a five year old! when i came to tuck cate in the other night and saw the set-up in her bed i nearly cried. because i remembered how important and productive and involved in life i felt doing those same things at her age. busy busy busy. always planning, always studying out what i would do next. the world is full of possibilities, endless things to make and try. to see her catch that zest for life makes me incredibly happy. she's already figured it out, the secret to enjoying life...
“i still find each day too short for all the thoughts i want to think, all the walks i want to take, all the books i want to read, and all the friends i want to see.” -john burroughs
“one thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. they come to you. when you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else. ” -eleanor roosevelt
how could you ever stay sad for very long with that kind of interest in the world around you? excepting, or course, for pms.
translation based on cate's reading: dear mother, i'm really sorry i called you stupid. love, me. you are the best mother to me and dad. mom, i am so so sorry, mom. love, clean-up [girl]. love me too [ok?]. i love you.
on this particular occaision, i didn't remember her calling me stupid during the tantrum she threw when i told her she had to stay in her room until she cleaned up her mess. she told me, "i said it when you left." haha. i don't get too mad- when grant and i procreated we knew the result would be a bundle of emotional instability and volatile moodiness. and so the routine is: cate gets angry and says some things she'll soon regret, i send her to her room, then i wait five minutes for the mood to swing again. then comes the delivery of a loving note.
oh i have boxes of them.
and i love it (thanks, coco). doesn't she look like lucy from chronicles of narnia? we are happily enjoying being able to play outside again. cate was so happy she began yelling "let's give a hand to springtime! let's give a hand to the world, for everything it can do!! wooohoooo!" haha, that's my girl. i found that amazing old shirt (we're big fans) at the thrift store for $1 and it's so soft. happy happy days.
the girl loves chocolate milk.
******
ps- the nie concert was so awesome!
pps- don't forget the shop update tomorrow...i have no idea what time, but there will be patterns and kits for the quilt (thanks for all your kind words!) just as soon as i have enough diet coke in me to face the day.
this is what cate's room looked like two days ago
this is a mama who is fed up and has her "i mean business" kerchief on
this is the mess maker who is experiencing a range of chore-induced emotions
this is the result of two days work (so long because mama made the five year old learn how to organize rather than doing it for her- much harder).
this is the happy girl who is allowed to have friends over to play again
p.s. this is how cate's furniture used to be arranged...which way is better?
cate is in love with the perler beads i got her for christmas. she spent all afternoon making various plastic sculptures, only interrupting my quilting a few times to have me iron a new design together. which was no problem as i was busy ironing quilt blocks anyway. nothing makes me happier than when cate is happily working alongside me. (oh and when a cozy little doggie keeps us company, too).
i think we'll do the same thing tomorrow.
more amazingness by sister heather. this is cate with her youngest, lizzie, who is 1 1/2 years older. but the age difference, and the fact that they've never lived closer than 2 states away, is totally irrelevant to their cousinly affection. they love each other. and when we are all together you literally will not see these girls for days on end. they are so wrapped up in playing from sun-up to sun-down (ok, well past sun-down) that they need no entertainment or intervention.
when i saw these pics my first thought was "delicious!" and my second thought was how lucky our kids are that instead of having lame blurry photos of their childhood like most of us, they will have thousands of lovely spreads because of the photography obsessed mothers they have! ha!
but seriously, having photos taken of your family and life is really one of the most worthwhile activities i can think to do. these images have no price to me. my albums and, if i had time, my computer tower would be the only things i would need to grab, or be devastated if were lost, in a fire. doesn't that testify of their value? it can be expensive to hire a worthy photographer, but it should be. it is an artform of the highest worth. i think that is one of the reasons everyone in my family is so into photography...it all started with a lack of funds but desire for these kind of images! but oh yes, for the love of capturing moments and relationships and beauty, too! i really, really love pictures. thanks again, heath.
i love these two naughty girls.
while i was making that, cate was doing this:
the vintage silk supergirl
(whose powers include creating artwork at the speed of light):
my favorite craft room buddy.
i adore this picture. that is my exact expression looking at what i just snapped.
heavens, i love this child.
somedays kindergarten is soooo exhausting.
sometimes when the sun is shining and the air is cool and i'm not hurrying on errands and i stop to look around... i realize i live in a really beautiful place.
i'm feeling all real mom-ish. you know, giving treats (zucchini brownies) and talking about school (and life). i kinda love it. this was the last of twenty or so pictures of silly faces. when she had had enough of the picture taking she threw up two fingers and said "ok, peace up mom". i stinkin love that girl.
*don't forget! my nielson recovery fundraisor auctions will go live tomorrow (thursday) at 10am utah time here on the blog. don't miss out, i have been working all day on some nie-worthy goods! i'm excited to see all the auctions and feel the love for stephanie and christian. all participating blogs will be listed on designmom. see you back here tomorrow!
the plan: picnic dinner, yahtzee, swinging, relaxing, and talking with cate about school.
it was fun.
ps- i was the yahtzee winner, no matter what grant says.
pps- do you like the new blog look? on my to do list for two years: customize blog. yay! look how good i am at getting my to-do's done!!
ppss- did it drive anyone else crazy that i misspelled kindergartener and didn't fix it? it made me nuts all day.
pppss- don't forget to come back thursday for the silent auction. you'll get to bid on some one of a kind handmade items by yours truly to help fund the nielson family recovery. thanks!
have a good day, i love you. remember to be kind!
(i tried and begged for her to give up on a princess backpack. she won the battle.)
but what else is new? i'm fine, quite used to it. just relieved the pms part of the month is taking its final bow. i am confused, however. how on god's green earth can a man, who is producing alot of "perfect size, shape, great swimmers" (doc's words...cue grant pounding chest...why do men feel proud of sperm?) and a woman, who through the miracle of gynecological science knows the exact second she is ovulating, not be able to get two lines on that stupid stick?
grant asked me if i wanted to look into adoption. and i just don't feel it. i try to get myself to think about it, but the thought quickly passes only leaving fear behind it. typically a sign that something's not the right path for you, eh? adoption has to be an intensely spiritually motivated thing, i think. to accept a baby as your own completely, well, you'd truly have to feel that they were "growing in your heart" and have a peaceful and compelling desire to find your child. i don't feel that. at least, angelina hasn't whispered to my heart that that's the right thing for us. [yet].
i am grateful to a degree beyond what i can express for cate. i know that i have the lucky end of the infertility stick, having already once conceived. i really have no right to sympathy or feeling sorry for myself, so i really try not to. i just try to enjoy mothering cate.
and in mothering cate yesterday i found myself at the kindergarten meet the teacher day. cate was sooooo wound up and nervous and excited about it that before we walked out the door i told her we better say a prayer so we're calm about this. after the prayer she looked so happy and squeezed both of my hands with hers. before i knew it we were in a school building. teachers, desks, cate's name on a cubby. i was trying so hard to choke back the tears. i was so embarrased to be crying. there were moms and dads everywhere nonchalantly showing their one-of-many kids their desk, and quickly reading paperwork so they could find the next classroom they need to check out. cate and i? we looked at every corner of the classroom. we read a book. we talked sitting on the reading circle. and i was desperately trying not to let the tears flow.
and then the thought occured to me: cry. this could be your only only experience seeing your child enter kindergarten. you cry. and as i let the tears fall i was transported back to when cate was a baby and all the experienced and harried moms chided me for how much i held/ nursed/ coddled/ and "babied" her. and then too, the feeling came: you hold her. you nurse her. you rock her to sleep. and yesterday i was profoundly grateful i did. yesterday i realized i may not have the chance to "baby" another. that those afternoons that i did nothing but sit in the rocker and look at her were very good decisions.
i'm not trying to be dramatic. i have always felt that we would have more. i believe the purpose of my experience yesterday was to prepare me for the news of another disappointing month, and to help me see the blessings of the trial of infertility. i could sit with my daughter and read a book; i had time to sit and shed a few tears over her rite of passage, and wax nostalgic about holding my tiny baby... and the blink of an eye since then.
the best food ever tastes is after a fast. the best water ever feels going down your throat is when you are parched. and i know someday when i am holding a newborn in my arms the feelings of joy will be magnified for all the waiting and struggling. it will be just another blessing of infertility.
me, coco, and my mom (who passed away a few months later) admiring my perfect baby.
...with a serious wedgie.
cate is averaging about 4 hours a day in the pool. playing hard and swimming laps. and she still has the energy to fight bedtime at night. she's something else! and those buns!!
*****
ps- um, ya, chelsea and gev's little arms number was the most amazing dance ever ever. i am so sick of kherrington and last night she totally brought down mark and it made me mad. i loved mark's solo. and joshua's. and the modern ballet, are you kidding me? it was amazing. they had to have fixed the picks because no other couple has the skill to do it. and i loved comfort and twitch's hip hop. bless their little soon to be kicked off hearts. what did you think? where has wade robsen been? and shane sparks? and where was mia last night? and please never do another country two step. bleeeeeah!
so last night we decided to go make it all better with some ice cream and sunshine.
don't you just want to kiss those lips? sorry, they are all mine!
no, it won't all go the way it should...
but i know the heart of life is good.
***
ps- thanks for all the etsy support. i am busy shipping the orders today and i'm so grateful for your business! i love etsy and i love you!!!
happy birthday to my sweet girl!
summer trip time means sleeping on floors, running and playing hard non-stop, scraggly hair, sugar cereal, living out of cars, and seeing cousins. and cate is never happier than when she's with cousin lizzie. they have been attached at the hip for the last five days since my sister heather and brood has been here from arizona. we carted all the kids to idaho to hang with sister coco this weekend, and we will all head home to lake tahoe for the fourth. can't wait! a gazillion more pictures to come...
1. you love star wars as much as your mama, and get so happy when you spot a girl jedi. 2. you spend all day asking for brothers and sisters, or at least someone to come over and play with you. 3. you love to do puzzles, and can put 100 piecers together faster than me. 4. you steal sips of my diet coke whenever i'm not looking. 5. you get yourself dressed everyday, and really look cute. you like to be colorful and fun and you always put together outfits that inspire me. 6. you aren't super into tv- you'd rather be playing. 7. you tell me all the time that you want seven kids. 8. penny is your little sidekick. you love that dog and smother her with affection. 9. your prayers are so sensitive and loving. you always remember to be thankful for your family and puppy. 10. you recently have started actually letting me brush/ do your hair. you never would before, but all of the sudden you are asking for braids and pig tails and i love it. 11. we told you you get your freckles from your dad, and you thought that means they jump off his nose onto yours when you snuggle. so now you snuggle him trying to get more freckles. 12. swimming is your favorite pastime and you feel so lucky to live in papa's house with a pool. 13. you are so excited to go to kindergarten, and i am so sad that you are getting so old. i will miss you when you are gone every day. 14. your eyes make me happy everytime i look at them. they are so expressive. 15. you talk with your hands. everything you say is acted out in gestures and arm movements. it makes me and daddy laugh so hard. 16. we love you more than you can ever know! 17. you are still sucking your finger, even though we have been trying so hard to get you to stop. 18. you understand so much about the gospel. it is so cute to answer your questions and see you get it. 19. you always tell me you miss grandma reneer and wish you knew her. 20. you call coco from my phone when i am not around just to say hi to her. 21. you are a really good thrifter, and can always find something awesome when we go to d.i. 22. you are obsessed with writing and spelling and making me notes and pictures and drawing and reading. you are so smart. 23. you go to granny's on saturdays to play and swim with max and charlie. this is your absolute fave day of the week. you adore your granny, and have been known to say "at granny's i can do whatever i want!!" 24. you have been doing so good going to bed alone. i put a cd player and cd's in your room and you fall asleep listening to primary songs or classical music. 25. you are the light of my life!! i love you i love you i love you!
she is growing up so fast! she looks older every day. and she dresses herself, which often leads to me pulling out the camera because the fun colors she has chosen are begging to be photographed. oh, and her eyes...that smile...yes, they have their part in getting the camera out, too! i seriously need another child...
"every child is an artist. the problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up." picasso
to do list: work on our garden, swimlayinthesunswimlayinthesun, do some quilting, make some strawberry jam, eat veggies from our garden, snap away on my camera to remember this great time of life, go camping, snuggle my girl like crazy before she begins kindergarten, read some mindless novels and watch some mindless movies (like meatballs, a summer fave), and... just be. what are you planning for the summer?
and it might as well have been high school graduation for how emotional it made me! but seriously, look at these girls, little teenagers stuck in 4 year old bodies! i don't want them to get one second older. oops, too late.
there are so so many more i love, but i have to stop somewhere! oh TARA i love you! i felt too chubby to be photographed and grant will avoid photo shoots at all costs and cate hasn't let us brush her hair in two years...but she said WE ARE DOIN THIS and truly by the end of the shoot, grant had a crush on her, cate was in the palm of her hand, and every picture she took made me feel beautiful just as i am. these images are PRICELESS to me. thank you thank you amazing tara! more of her brilliance can be found at tarawhitney.com.
