my happy little life

cate right now, 8.75 years old

one of my very favorite pictures ever taken of my cate, instagrammed this morning. (follow me @kellymccaleb). the sun was out, she was excited for school, and she was wearing her new "mommy shoes" aka minnetonkas i found that had never been worn at the thrift store in her size. those little thrills make life so good.

cate is growing up in hyper speed right now. she's lost the little girl look in her face and seems taller every day. when we watch a movie together she suggests things like father of the bride, rather than a kid show. her vocabulary is huge and makes me chuckle everyday with the five dollar words she uses so casually with her little lisp.

ever the straight A student, i usually have to wait 5 to 10 minutes past when school's out for her to come out of the building. she is determined to never have homework and finishes it all in her spare time at school. i've never even seen one spelling list this year, and she's gotten 100% every time. sometimes she's late coming out because she can't put the book down that she's reading.

she keeps grant and i honest. we have to pay her $1 for every swear word (whether she hears it or not, she interviews us), and frequently questions if we are saying our personal prayers. she makes grant leave a pillow by the side of her bed early in the morning to prove that he has knelt and said his prayers before leaving for work. she does not accept that there are movies and shows that she can't watch that we can because of content. cate implores us to up our standards. and i quote: "if they are too bad for me, then they are too bad for you." we fight about that one.

her temper, ever present, seems to be mellowing finally. however, the little smarty pants likes to be argumentative and right, and that's the main thing she gets in trouble for. she gets sent to her room to calm down, which inevitably leads to notes written to us either expressing sorrow, or defending her position.

her daddy's girl title is still in full force and lately she's taken to even not allowing grant and i to kiss around her. i had a big talk with her about that and how lucky she is to have parents that love each other and that she needs to let us show our love without interfering. "but he's my dad" was all she could say over and over again. she's doing better about it, though. (i think she's just weirded out because of life facts she's learned recently, ha).

cakies, i love you so much. will you help me with my homework soon? thanks. and will you let me hug on dad when he gets home from work? double thanks.

stillness

it's windy here, and i need it to stop. i need some sunshine. i want to lay on a quilt and read in the warmth.

i just went through all the boxes of cate's baby and toddler clothes and re-organized and kept only my favorites. it was kind of agonizing.

the peace and cleanliness of my home is always a comfort. but grant says he feels kind of like we live in a timeshare. we need color, and personal touches.

it's 6:30 pm and i am going to bed. is that ok?

facts

i have no adrenal tumor.

but anna karenina is killing me softly.

oh my heart!

in a recent post i said i am not working on etsy anymore

(because i no longer have to make the money).

in the next post i said i need money for usc.

i thought about that extensively.

(not really).

but i did read both posts consecutively,

and laughed at the irony.

who do i think i am?

i worked two jobs whilst at byu.

i will be throwing myself into work.

motherwork, wifework, schoolwork, fieldwork, etsywork.

because my moment of self doubt has passed.

(though i know only temporarily).

however,

i can choose over and over again to believe in myself.

i know i will have really hard days.

i know school will be trying, my time will be stretched.

though to me, boredom is hell's equivalent.

so i won't be there = good.

dear pcos emailers: i'm working on a post for you:

it's called metformin: wonderdrug?

ramble

when i have anxiety, or not, i write in a notebook. pages and pages. i figure out what is really bothering me, try to correct thinking errors, write positive messages, and just brain drain. lately i've been writing like a maniac. well, even more of a maniac than i usually write like.

this weekend i had a little bit of a freak out. i feel so overwhelmed by even the stupid registering and financial aid paperwork and the field placement papers for school... which begs the question: how will i do actual homework? for goodness sakes, i have totally forgotten APA rules for writing! i freely mix past tense and present tense! i don't use capital letters! i am so out of school mode. this is going to be a huge adjustment. i got really scared. i cried a lot and dreamed the most stressful things. i had to pry my jaw open sunday morning.

in consequence of those worries, combined with my current waiting on the results of a battery of medical tests to determine if my panic attacks are being caused by a tumor on my adrenal gland, i have broken out in canker sores. and i mean bro-ken oouuuut. i have counted ten that i can see. my mouth is in so much pain. my lips are huge. i am so onery. and i hate that word, but i am onery enough to use it.

don't be concerned about the adrenal thing, i'm not worried. the small chance that i have one might be good because its removal would stop the over production of adrenaline and the other fight or flight hormones, and they are almost always benign. so in a weird way, i am hoping i have one. also, i really hope i don't have one.

do i take a truth serum every morning that makes me tell every little thing about my life to anyone willing to listen? i'm sure i make people very uncomfortable sometimes. sorry.

end with good things to remember: cate is doing great at school right now, despite a rough patch with friends recently. i have been attending the temple as often as possible and it has been such a respite from my cares. grant is really excelling at his work and it is good to see him growing and happy. we are meeting lots of great people in our new neighborhood. i am excited for spring and family bike rides. 

second ending: do you know any rich people who like to give money for graduate students who want to make the world a better place? tell them to give me a ring.

the evolution of this blog

i started blogging in 2006 with the sole intention of sharing scrapbooking pages and recording pictures and thoughts with my other friends and family who cared (about three people). we lived in a little apartment, grant was still in school, and i spent my days with a toddler and craft supplies and a camera.

soon etsy came into existence and enough people were reading that i could start making money from the stuff i was making rather than teaching piano (yuck) or cleaning toilets (yuck) like i had been doing. for the blog's part, in between updating the shop i would mostly show pictures of cate's life, domestic bliss, cooking, packaging, and would add a long rant about life here and there.

cate got older and went to school. i should've been able to just keep growing my handmade business but i am not a business woman. it is not in me. i hate networking, i hate self promotion, i hate deadlines, everything that is a part of it. etsy was a blessing in our lives because we needed the income. but grant started making more money and i started caring less about it. i declined great opportunities and was getting pretty stoked that i could just knit for myself again.

a little previous to that, grant and i became obsessed with urban homesteading. we were living in a bigger place with a yard and we had chickens and dogs and gardens and raw milk and i was working as a wellness counselor (my degree is in health and psych) to get a discount on quality food and to pass the time while cate was in school. my posting slowed down and when i did write it was a lot about wellness physically.

that was because in the etsy poor years, i was also struggling with the diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome and had gained a lot of weight. i was infertile and way heavier than i ever had been and felt like crap. i shifted my whole focus from sewing quilts and blogging to the gym and sprouting. the two lives didn't seem to be able to co-exist.

now, i feel better physically. i have lost the weight. ya, my hair is still falling out, and i still have to shave my face, and i'm still infertile, but you know, you can't win them all. i am focusing on the mental health aspect of my hormone imbalance and am getting new directions for my life. i'm using this blog as a journal and sounding board more than ever, and less and less for a specific obsession or business need.

though a few patterns are still available in my etsy shop that still sell pretty regularly, i don't feel present there anymore. and though i still feel strongly about eating healthy, my physical goals have been reached, and the obsessive level needed to come down a notch or three. plus we moved out of the big yarded house. although motherhood, family life, and home domesticity are still my number one loves, i am not doing art with a toddler all day and taking pictures of it. cate is old. she wants to read a book and not have her picture taken.

it's so interesting to me the stages and directions life takes. everything always feels so permanent. but it's not. everything has changed in the blink of an eye, over and over. in the early days, i didn't even have my own car: blogging was a main mental activity of my mommy day stuck in a house. that just isn't the case anymore.

soon i will be so busy with my social work field work and masters program. will i still blog? of course, i have to. writing, expressing, sharing, recording, that's all part of who i am. maybe i'll go broke and have to stay up all night trying to make things for the etsy shop again, you never know.

i am, and have always been, so grateful for this space. to look back through my archives and remember good times, hard times, and times where i tried to sound cheerful but i was dying inside. to see progress as an individual and as a family. places we've lived, things we've done. great moments recorded. especially the support and positivity you all give me. i'm so glad i've been doing it. it's a forever thing, so, talk to you soon(ish). and it will probably be about social work. (next phase you know...)

oh yes, and thank you so much for all the congrats and kind words about that! it really gave me a confidence boost i needed. thanks!!!!

a little miracle made of yarn

back story to this post can be found here.

so i'm always talking about how we've been trying to conceive for eight years and i blab a lot about how i've never felt fully convicted that adoption was my path...yet. and i go on and on about finding my life's purpose, because all i want is to be a mom. but then i talk a lot about the loneliness/ worthlessness/ yucky indulgence that i feel being home alone so many hours of the day, with my one little girl off at school.

and prayers. well, they are always answered, but so often not how we think or would like, of course. it's been months since i began feeling strongly to go to graduate school, and to wait and try for more babies in a few years. NOT what i want to do, mind you, but the feeling wouldn't relent. constant! worse than the year it took me to decide to serve a mission. (i'm slow).

i knew i was to get my master's in social work. i felt prompted to look into USC's program (why? we don't live there!), only to find out their MSW program just became virtual. meaning they would allow a small number of students to skype into their classes, and be placed in their field work positions where they live. an adviser would fly out to meet with you each semester and you would video chat with your professors. what?! yes, please! i hate going to class!! i know byu is right here, but i can't go back there. i can't, heaven help me. what about the u of u? hmm, didn't feel right...but heavenly father, usc is too expensive!

i was particularly confused and upset one day walking around a thrift store. so upset i wasn't even looking at anything, i was just wandering and praying in my heart. i was crying, no less. do i really have to do this? is it worth it to get those kind of student loans? will i even get in? holy crap it's the 8th ranked social work school in the nation. can't i please, please just have a baby? as i asked that, tears streaming down my face, my hand ran along a sweater i couldn't resist touching because i could tell by the sleeve it was hand knit in beautiful yarn. i pulled it out. yep. in orem, utah as i was praying, a hand knit usc sweater was put in my hands. that might be a coincidence or meaningless to you- but i'm a knitter you guys, and god gets what that would do to me. with that sweater he told me yes. yes, you can do it. and yes, you will have a baby. later. and yes, it will wear the sweater of your second alma mater. and that vintage byu onsie you love, too.

i got my acceptance letter yesterday. grant brought me home this huge bouquet of flowers wrapped in "crimson and gold" tissue paper. he's so proud. i got accepted to the accelerated program that will take a year and a half of intense work. it all can be done while cate's at school. i feel a huge weight off my shoulders, the kind of weight release when you know you did the right thing.