my happy little life

hello, there

i would like to say that there are three ways to know if i am feeling mentally ill. 1. cate gets a school lunch, not healthy food from home. 2. we do not have our ten minute piano time together after school, and 3. i do not blog.

these three things have been true for the last seven days. and then, monday, october 3, 2011 saw a lovingly made home lunch put in the backpack, a fun little piano theory exercise together after school, and here i am! look at me blogging!

i would also like to say that i learned a few things from my mom about living with these unpredictable states of mind. even when you are temporarily not up to your, shall we call it, "best" self- family scripture study and prayer and making your bed/ tidying the house are non-negotiables. i can do those things in robot i hate life mode. she also taught me that cereal is in fact acceptable for dinner and therefore it does not cause me guilt (the way the original three facts i pointed out do), even when i serve* it many nights in a row.

*serve: "go get yourself some cereal".

one clarification: while i do feel guilty for any slight in cate's routine, i don't feel guilty when i don't blog. i just feel sad. i like to say things. i like to take pictures. and when the pleasure is lost from those activities, well, i know i have the mean reds.

was it conference that pulled me out of it? yes! and no. the "bad week" was over at the same time that i heard elder hales talk (please watch, please) and then the universe lined up and i felt like i could perform the duties of my life again with some confidence and commitment and capability.

so anyway, i had a very good day today. i hope you did as well. if not, chin up. pray, hold on. and remember, it will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end. also, you probably are just experiencing pms.

life right now

feeling fragile. feeling like an impatient mom. feeling like praying constantly. feeling tears on my cheeks. feeling a glimpse of how overwhelming life and its decisions can be. feeling pain watching people close to me suffer. feeling intense worries. feeling low on hope.

as i write, i am thinking i might just be about to start my period...yep, just checked the calendar and i am correct, sir. and yet, i still have to feel it, to get through this week. and to get through it without the hope of conception, yet again, besides. oh maria!

what will this day be like, i wonder? what will my future be, i wonder? it could be so exciting, to be out in the world, to be free! my heart should be wildly rejoicing, oh what's the matter with me?

yesterday i was a bit dramatic

by ten in the morning i had drummed up a picture of a hopeless life. cate and i can't get up on time- ever.

frustration. day after day. i get so impatient with cate and it doesn't  make her speed up one bit. it makes me mad. what makes me more mad? that she's going to remember her childhood with these words: "come on, hurry up!" ugh. how did i become i that?

then i felt sadness because i realized the things that make me lose my patience with my sweet, innocent daughter are the things that i am not good at either (for example, coming on and hurrying up). so i get angry with her because i'm really angry at me...get it?

by this point i am thick in swirling sad emotion. i realize that if i am to not lose my patience with her, i have to learn to be more patient with myself. weeping and wailing insue.

a long prayer: asking forgiveness. asking for help. i don't know if i'm actually praying, though. i think i might just be saying dramatic things in my head for my own dramatic benefit.

hours of self-analysis and depression have passed. i am still in my pajamas lamenting the lot that is my life. my heart is beating fast. i feel scared of everything. i know this feeling well. i have at least been down this road enough times to know it's nothing more than my obsessive brain indulging in bad thought processes which triggered physical stress responses. must breathe and think about nothing. the adrenaline will stop. this has nothing to do with god or guilt or forebodings of tragedy. it is just negativity corsing through me in hormone form.

the phone rings: my steady, down to earth husband.

i started crying telling him about my lack of patience with cate. about my prayers and what i felt. about how i need to love more and stop criticizing- myself and everyone. how i cause panic attacks because of my self indulgent obsessiveness...i took a break to gasp for air and wipe crocodile drops off my cheek.

husband then cheerfully declares: "oh boy! looks like someone is about to start their period!"

instantaneous shaking with laughter. oh ya.

laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

it was a good day.

post edit: i asked my sister if this was too crazy to post. she replied, "no post it, because you ARE suuuuper crazy. at least it accurately respresents your life. they can get a dose of what i have to listen to all day." rad!

i'll let you in on a secret

when my posting starts dropping off...

it's because i feel like this again.

peace out.

this is the week of the month in which i...

^{_{eta: just after publishing this post- there was a mysterious delivery on my doorstep. a favorite treat from my favorite treat shop!! whoever did this, you sure softened my hormonal heart. thank you, thank you, thank you.}}

• am a crappy mom. cate might say she likes it, though: it means a lot of tv watching for her.
• serve cereal or ramen noodles to my family for all three meals.
• guzzle diet coke and crave mcdonald's cheeseburgers.
• hate blogging.
• watch multiple episodes a day of my girls: gilmore and golden, respectively.
• engage in debates with my little sister about stupid things like what kind of cat we will have when we're old widows and live together.
• make grant sleep in the guest room so i can be in the middle of our king size bed because it is still firm there.
• never get out of my pajamas.
• don't call anyone i care about for fear of saying something rude that i don't really mean.
• take a lot of long baths.
• am seriously tempted to give other drivers the special finger (i don't).
• would eat a whole pan of brownies if i could just muster the energy to make them.
• feel really super awesome.

i'm actually excited for tomorrow, however. i have a few fabulous handmade goods to giveaway. be sure and come back to win. and i promise i'll be in a good mood.

halloween 2008. and how i'm blowing it.

remember this fancy post? it was written on, what we affectionately call around here, an upswing. sometimes i get in moods where i am so creative i can hardly contain myself. my plans are lofty, projects are started in every room, life is good! i pump out ideas, crafts, and glorious dinners! i update the etsy shop! i take great pictures! i answer emails! sleep is a burden! i'm hot, baby!

but do you know what happens after upswings? it then is time for the less-affectionately called downswing. it's been downswing city around here. as in: i never sent out invites. i haven't bought/ carved/ cared about pumpkins. cate's costume is still undecided. i didn't decorate the house. i can't find my witch dress. i have no time to rip up fabric or make fancy confections. and frankly, i'm kind of ticked that tomorrow is halloween and i have to miss my ice cream and granola bowl slash golden girls hour. i mean, their hearts are true, they're my pals and my confidants! 

so i've got like, this afternoon, to pull myself out of it and get ready to enjoy my favorite day of the year or i will have officially blown it. i think i'm going to stare at this picture of me from last halloween (ha ha... but really though, i do look like that in my witch dress) until i'm in the mood to carve a big pumpkin, rat my hair, and light spooky candles. because i know i will be so sad i didn't when the next upswing hits. ah, such is the life of a hormonalcreativedramatic woman (i think that's the official diagnostic term). so, in case you were wondering if i always have my act together, the answer is an emphatic no. if you were wondering if i really do look like elvira in my witch dress, the answer is an emphatic yes.

it's just such a shame i can't find it.