1. cozy cate + make eggs
2. water garden
3. feed + water the doggie and the chicks
4. read scriptures and pray
5. tidy house + a load of laundry
6. go on a run
7. bathe and get dressed
then...
make dinner (cause it takes me that long to do 1-7).
being decaffeinated is hard.
cate and me, extra frills by nie
last year i participated in nie's wonderful mother week. she asked me to write my feelings about motherhood. i went back today and read it, and it still rang true to my heart:
the moment i looked at my daughter for the first time i doubled in my desires to be a good, strong, faithful woman. motherhood has made me feel everything more deeply: love, joy, happiness; but also pain, worry, and fear. and as hard and tiring as that sounds (and it is both hard and tiring), that fullness of emotion is what I love about motherhood. i will take the worry and work if with it comes love that makes you want to burst, happiness that makes you float, and a desire to nurture that sends you on the errand of angels. being a mother fills me with purpose.
my 29th birthday cupcake
and secondly, a re-post of the lesson this cupcake taught me about motherhood, originally posted january 2007:
i tried to save this cupcake till tonight when i could enjoy it in the bath with a book and some tea, but the temptation proved too great. as i took that glorious bite, i got to thinking about the place this perfect little cupcake must have come from. then i got to thinking, wouldn't it be the best job in the whole world to own a really sweet and pretty bakery? that made oversize cupcakes and little tarts and cheesecakes and breads? that had the most fabulous party cake designer around and sold little girls aprons and mixes and handmade goodies all along the walls?
then i thought, the only better job in the world would be to have a yarn and fabric store with every delicious yarn and gorgeous fabric, both new and vintage imaginable in wonderful colors and big comfortable couches where you sat and knit or hand sewed and tought people to knit or hand sew all day. oh i just don't know which one i'd like more! but then i considered that another really really good job would be to organize and design happy spaces for people in their homes. to teach people how to get rid of clutter and live with inspiring things around them. and design beautiful rooms and cozy beds. or maybe a photographer, wouldn't that be exciting! but even all the creative careers in the world surely can't match the intoxicating thrill of running a corporation, i mused. that would truly be a one in a million life- fast paced, lots to do each day, in charge of so many important things. oh but it would be fun, i dreamed, to be like a personal shopper. who got to pick out all the clothes and shoes and stuff she loved for someone to wear. shopping all the time! what fun! then again, teachers get to mold a whole new generation- that is amazingly rewarding work- so much sacrifice, so much fruit. that would be a saint's job.
"WAIT!" i thought, "i've got it!" the ultimate most wonderful job that takes the cake! being a mom, who can make her home inspiring, clean, and inviting...who can fill it with fragrant smells of cupcakes and bread baking and throw fabulous parties.. who can sit on a comfy couch and knit when the days duties are done...who can take pictures of her family and life any time she'd like, who can learn anything at all that she'd like to do...who is responsible for clothing and fashioning her little family...who runs her little company with hard work, saving, and all the wisdom of the best corporations- in charge of molding the most important things and people in her whole world. why, yes THAT would be the most perfect, the most fulfilling, the most rewarding job (with the most fruit). and would you look at that? i have it.
***more mother's day posting to come!***
cate and me, taken by tara
i believe there are two types of hard days when you're a mom. the first kind, and most common kind, is just your typical 'if i don't get some peace and quiet heads are gonna roll' day. naps wouldn't be had, the whole neighborhood full of kids were in your kitchen asking for drinks, you were on the phone all day with the insurance, you were called stupid by a five year old, and there is marker all over the wall and the body of the party who claims innocence. these are the days that mostly can be melted away with a bath and a book at midnight, a walk, a trip to target, going to mcdonalds for dinner and letting the kids play in the play place while you sip a diet coke, or whatever floats your me-time boat.
but there's another kind of hard day. a kind that hurts a little more. growth is always painful, and this kind of day stretches and grows all your mommy muscles. i had a day like this recently. it was ugly.
a few nights ago cate was particularly unwilling to go to bed. i was particularly mad at her because she has been so grumpy in the mornings due to a chronic unwillingness to go to bed. i finally scared/ threatened her enough to make her stay in her room, but she was screaming at me across the house from her bed, and i quote: "mooooooooooom! you're so duuuuuuuuumb! i'm so hungry. my body is empty, just bones and bloooooooooood! if you don't bring me some applesauce i'm going to slap your faaaaaaaaaaace! you wanna get slapped?"
(i feel i must point out, i have never said that to her before and i don't know where she got it. i mean, where did she get that she's only bones and blood when she's hungry? who knows.)
and it got worse, but i'll save you the details. let's just say, it ended with grant calming her down and laying with her till she fell asleep and me in the bathroom crying. i really try to be a good mom. i really try to be nice. and i thought, if this is what she thinks of me now, what's it going to be like when she's 16? am i not getting pregnant because i'm such a crappy mom and i can't handle more than one child and it's an act of mercy on God's part? and on the pity party went.
then i decided to pray. i asked for help and guidance in total humility. meaning, i was determined to follow and do whatever prompting i received, even if it hurt. i was hoping for a bed time routine and parenting tips to be written in the sky for me. but, as usual, no exact instructions came. instead what floated into my mind and heart was a clear picture of how much my Heavenly Father loves me. i felt how much he does for me despite how incredibly imperfect i am, how i am so quick to be demanding and yet slow to obey, how much i whine when i really should be only living in thanksgiving daily, and how often i fall short in kindness offered to others. most importantly, i felt how patient He is with me as i work all this out throughout my life. i felt how much mercy i require daily, and how it might be just a little more than i am willing to give out. and how i have just as many bad mommy habits as cate has bad five year old habits.
in short, my heart heard: "cate is just a child. be kind and patient, and she'll get there. like I am with you."
that's not to say cate doesn't need to be trained up right, and punished for true naughtiness. but sometimes, no, all the time, that can be done with a soft tone, an extra measure of love, and a consistent good example of the kind of behavior i want her to emulate (whoops). that sounds hard. i'm glad i'm not in this alone.
grow, mommy, grow.
p.s.- additional reading on hard mommy days found here, by my friend sara. she had a tough one this week, too. and i think she got the same answer i did. i really appreciated her honest words on how hard it can be to even know what's the right thing to do, let alone do it.
p.p.s. - yes, grant and i have been saying "you wanna get slapped?" in our best cate with attitude impression and laughing hysterically ever since.
p.p.s.s. - i hope your mother's day is restful and full of appreciation and french toast! i'm going to be updating all weekend, sharing some thoughts and images that celebrate motherhood. because it's important. and because i'm pretty sure that i'm a mommy blogger. how do you know if you're a mommy blogger? anyway.
she has already written about 30 songs during her short career, so far, with more being added daily. while her first penned lyrics were sweet and naive, in this past week that she's been writing, a maturity and depth of feeling has emerged. she's gone from singing about her cute puppy, to crooning about love and the hurt it leaves in its wake. her latest song is evidence of both the growth she's experiencing as a writer, and of the recent pains in her life that have allowed for it:
you read my books, you don't like love.
i love you but my heart is worse.
we have only to believe that a prolific career will come from her five-year-old days and nights of emotional release into song. we can be assured that someday you will hear on the radio her ballad entitled kelly, for example; a heart-wrenching plea to her mother to smile and go to her, not her cell phone and friends, when she is sad and needs a laugh:
please don't cry my kelly, i am your cakies
so you don't cry.
for ever. don't call your friends, i'm here.
so you get up and smile.
the inspiration comes at all hours, so cate has taken to sleeping with a flashlight and her notebook laid out next to her in her bed. and also a baggie of cereal, and stuffed animal, and a few books. i'm not sure if these additional items are instrumental to her writing process or just for fun- but whatever the artist needs, we don't question. her moodiness and demanding nature grow with every burst of genius that results in song. we avoid conflict.
but can i just say in all seriousness...it is so fun to watch her grow up. and a little like getting to watch a movie of my own childhood, this time as an observer. oh the piles of things i had in my bed relating to projects i was working on as a five year old! when i came to tuck cate in the other night and saw the set-up in her bed i nearly cried. because i remembered how important and productive and involved in life i felt doing those same things at her age. busy busy busy. always planning, always studying out what i would do next. the world is full of possibilities, endless things to make and try. to see her catch that zest for life makes me incredibly happy. she's already figured it out, the secret to enjoying life...
“i still find each day too short for all the thoughts i want to think, all the walks i want to take, all the books i want to read, and all the friends i want to see.” -john burroughs
“one thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. they come to you. when you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else. ” -eleanor roosevelt
how could you ever stay sad for very long with that kind of interest in the world around you? excepting, or course, for pms.
print available here
thank you so much for the thoughts and encouragement. i feel all the way ok now. i am especially grateful for the prayers and personal spiritual experiences that were shared with me both in the comments and personal emails...
you know, sometimes i feel lonely as a religious person in the online world. i mean the crafting, design loving, indie music listening, etsy selling, online world. i do not share many of the attitudes and beliefs of most of the people whose work i admire and am inspired by, and whose hobbies and interests i share. there is such a feeling "out there" that religion is for the ignorant and the not enlightened and that you may not disagree with popular ways of thought or you are a bad person. your comments made me feel like, actually, i am also part of a large community of people who live and feel the way i do, and are there to buoy me up when i need it, and i thank you!
this morning i came across this quote by albert einstein: "the woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. the woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.” these words really touched me and caused me to think- am i being courageous enough to walk alone? am i careful to not just follow the crowd? am i letting my light shine or hiding it under a bushel? i don't want to ever be afraid to be myself, or to share and defend what i believe with all my heart. i don't want to cower if someone thinks i'm lame, or that what i believe in is outdated.
because the truth of the matter is, every day of my life is sustained by my relationship with christ. everything i have and do is a gift from him. my prayers are heard, my abilities magnified, and my fears quelled through his power. i love him. his gospel, my family, and our desired return to live with our father in heaven are the very most important things to me in my life. that is who i am. more than a crafter, a blogger, a lover of music, or anything else! that message has to be woven throughout my blog, or it just isn't a real picture of me. for as much as i love all my fun hobbies, c.s. lewis best describes my ultimate feelings: "i find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy; the only logical explanation is that i was made for another world.”
so ya, i feel better. i feel happy, as a matter of fact. ready for a new day.
doesn't this list make you tingle with inspiration? doesn't it make you want to put a journal in your purse and go to the park for some writing time? i have kept intense, near daily, journals all my life...until this blog came along. now i have become so accustomed to just spewing out in this space what i need to get out of my head that i rarely ever pick up the pen and paper and write to my posterity from my heart, holding nothing back. and i miss it. it's a different kind of release; one where i can confide my deepest secrets, wax poetic in a way too vulnerable for the world wide web, and talk myself through confidential conundrums. i'm glad i came across this poster tonight, it has reminded and inspired me. found here.
ps- the shop update was delayed because i was suffering from seasonal affective disorder today. i will get it done just as soon as the sun comes out over highland.
me, 1982
isn't life surprising? i was laying awake thinking last night about how different my life has gone then what i thought (in a good way). and how every plan i've ever made has been reconstructed into something harder and better than what i laid out as my own agenda. i was born in orange county, where my parents had lived in the same house for like 20 years. they had both lived in so cal all their lives. i thought i'd live there forever. one day when i was 12, my dad quit his job and we moved to lake tahoe. it rocked my stable world. it was the first time i realized that things don't always go how you think they will. and that it all can turn out better than you imagined.
i had a really tumultuous teenager-hood. i was a happy and smart little kid, it was surprising when so much angst welled up inside me. at 18 i planned to live the tahoe hippie life forever. one day i felt compelled, i knew it, i just had to leave. i packed up my car and moved to the central coast. i spent a few years calming down my teen angst and attempting to grow up. i loved san luis obispo. i was ready to chill there for good. i never thought life would then take me to utah, to attend byu and then off to serve as a missionary for a year and a half, but it did. and it was hardest, most surprising, most rewarding experience of my life.
different boyfriends came and went through all this, some i thought i could marry, some i was mad at myself for hanging around, some that broke my heart. but the commonality between each experience was- it was out of my hands. i occasionally fell in love with someone who couldn't be had. i occasionally had to run from someone who wouldn't let me go. and then, suddenly and to my surprise, i met and married the man i had no idea i was dreaming of. but he was perfect for me. and better than anything i had imagined or sought after before.
and then i found myself a mother. funny, i thought i'd teach awhile longer and have grant all to myself and save some money. ten months after we were married i was a stay at home mom, living the student life again while grant went back to school. a few months later, another unplanned event- my mom passed away suddenly. just a phone call one night. she had an aneurysm. and although this was a surprise of the worst kind, it was the most spiritual time of my life. much good and understanding has come through that loss.
all the sudden i'm 30. i thought i'd be driving a mini van full of kids and happily decorating my own home. but life has shown me again that i am not in control. and as i wait for more children and a sense of being settled, i am given glimpses of the why and the good and the reasons and the plan. the bigger picture and the necessity for some to not fit the mold.
grant and i talked last fall about wanting to take control and own a home and make some of our dreams a reality. so we planned to move back to california for some opportunities there. we gave the universe one out- if grant found a job he loved before springtime, we'd stay put. even though we wanted to go to cali really bad, and even though grant had been looking for a different job for a long time.
well, just as we were making preparations to get moving, grant was granted that job he wanted right here in utah. i guess we're staying put (sorry shellie, i wanted to live by you and drive to see ray and the beach on weekends real bad).
but we feel more blessed and amazed than ever at life's unexpected twists and turns. and how happy we are that there is a loving heavenly father that understands the little picture we have in our minds for our lives, and gently and lovingly helps us change our vision to a masterpiece. i really love life. what an adventure it is.
how have you been surprised?
i have been laying in bed sick since monday. it seems to be getting worse by the day, not better. i am so irritated and antsy. i miss my family and i want to clean my house. messes are piling up around me making it hard to relax and get well. i can't cuddle grant or cate- they need to stay well- so they are steering clear of me. i am bored and tired and achy.
i do have one faithful companion who is braving the germs: penny the pug russell.
and as i've been laying in my misery, i've been thinking a lot about that penny, and just how lonely i'd be if she wasn't there with me. and that made me think of all the insomniatic nights that she stayed up with me and mirrored my every move and snuggled me right out of my anxiety into dreamland, long after grant and cate had drifted off.
and then that got me thinking that, really, it's not just while laying in bed that she is watching out for me. she follows me around all day, just in case she might be needed for something, anything. cute little penny is just a wee dog, but she feels strongly that part of her duty is to scare the crap out of anyone who gets near our house, just so they know no one is going to mess with her family, not on her watch. she is undeterred by bigger animals and scary men- they all get yelled at to stay away.
she is my best babysitter for cate. she takes turns with me putting cate to bed and being her pillow. when cate is too scared to go downstairs, penny will go with her and everything is all right. she lets cate dress her up for weddings or try to ride her or pull her by the tail almost daily. and even knowing the torture she will soon endure, she gets so excited when cate gets home from school.
and the dishes she cleans for me!! i don't even have to rinse before putting things in the dishwasher anymore! and how warm she keeps my toesies while i'm sitting at the desk working on the computer! who needs slippers? it seems her only desire in life is to be close to us. and all she asks for is an occasional pet and some food and water. truly, my lowest maintenance friend.
and then i realized. i love her. so much.
i have never been an animal person. i swore i'd never have a dog. who wants to pick up poop? not me. but somehow in my baby hungry weakness i was convinced to relent by the other two mccalebs who said they desperately needed a puppy. fine. whatever, just take care of her and pick up the poop.
well, as it turns out, it was me who needed her the most. i think if the test of the greatest among us is the one who will be the servant, than penny wins in this house...ok, animal people...i get it. i really really get it.
"women derive a certain satisfaction, incomprehensible to the opposite sex, from the gentle toil of the needle" -nathaniel hawthorne.
this quote stays above my crafting desk and i can't tell you how the words resonate with me. when i'm particularly stressed out i often think to myself "oh, i just need to gently toil with my needles and all will be well". and somehow when i do, those gentle motions of work and creativity seep into my thoughts, causing gentility there as well. work is a blessing. creative work is theraputic, too.
i was moved, really moved, by one of my church leader's recent speech about compassion and creativity, and how both are inherited qualities from god. appropriately, his talk was titled: "happiness: your heritage". his message:
"the desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. no matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before. everyone can create. you don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. we develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty. you might say, 'i’m not the creative type. when i sing, i’m always half a tone above or below the note. i cannot draw a line without a ruler. and the only practical use for my homemade bread is as a paperweight or as a doorstop.' if that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative being in the universe. isn’t it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate god? think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination. if you are a mother, you participate with god in his work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. you may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us. the bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter."
today i am thankful for the blessing of creativity. i am thankful to be a woman with the desire to beautify coarsing through my veins, and the desire to create and nurture new life ever in my heart. and i was inspired by this talk to also try and create things that don't come so easily to me: harmony, peace, and calm! that's gonna take some work. maybe if i knit even more, the gentle toil of the needle will help my personal gentility to the same degree. or if not, at least i'll have an arsenal of scarves to wrap around my loud mouth! and i'll be thankful for that, too.
from a favorite hymn of mine: "when upon life's billows you are tempest- tossed; when you are discouraged thinking 'all is lost'. count your blessings! name them one by one; count your many blessings see what god has done!" i am so excited for this month of putting our worries into perspective and focusing on our abundance. i am greatly looking forward to a feast of real thanksgiving for all we have, and i am going to try to spend the whole month thinking and writing about the blessings in my life.
no matter the price of gas, no matter how hard it is to make your mortgage payment or rent, this holiday season is a wonderful time to remember that if you own more than two pairs of shoes, can eat six straight meals, and have a change of underwear you are one of the richest 5% of the world. as americans, there is so much available to us, all of us, if we want it and are willing to work for it. how empowering! and when you open your eyes to how so much of the world is living, we can be nothing but grateful for our options.
and so, the first of many blessing counting sessions this month:
i am grateful to have found my soul mate, and for the funniest, coziest little girl on planet earth. i am grateful that grant and i were able to go to college. we are first generation in both of our families to go, and even though it's rough paying back our loans, we were able to get educations and have the ability to support our family, and that is priceless! i am grateful that i can believe in god and worship as i choose, and even if others disagree with my views, i am guaranteed the right to them. i am grateful that there are men and women who are willing to give their lives to protect my family from terror. i am grateful that my mother never succumbed to the pressures of her generation to have smaller families- my five siblings are my best friends. i am grateful for my struggle with infertility, as it not only makes mothering the one i have so much more precious, but also gives me empathy for the struggles of other women...and it keeps me on my knees. i am grateful for my friends who don't care if i call them back and forgive me my foibles. i am grateful for the talents i have been given, but also for the many weaknesses that keep me dependent on god. i am grateful for this silly blog, where i can air out my thoughts and feelings have them met with warmth and friendship. i am grateful for books and electronic yahtzee, my beloved bathroom companions. i am grateful for public libraries, where i have learned far more than in all 25 years of formal schooling- and for only "a buck fifty in late fees". i am grateful for the beauty of the earth. i am grateful for delicious food. i am grateful for bathtubs. i am grateful for thrift stores. i am grateful for the office. i am grateful for toasters. ok, i'm getting silly now (but seriously, i'm super grateful for many silly things).
"the pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. no americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving." -h westermayer.
i am happy for this time of thanksgiving. a time to realize again the constant need to reach out to those less fortunate than me. here's to focusing on the positive, and to living a month of humble gratitude. let's feast!
ok, and let's be honest. the boots are the opposite of dumb. they have completely stolen my heart. thrifted downtown for $4 and have made me so excited for winter. i wore them all day today doing housework to break them in. they make me want to tapdance!
i thought i would spend the weekend crocheting...but all i got done was one granny square. yes, only one. something more important came up: thinking. i spent the days alternating between laying around reading and laying around...thinking. problems in my mind needed to be solved. plans needed to be made. priorities needed to be set. and this was the weekend to do it.
i decided i haven't been brave. i think i have let life work me over for the last few years. i haven't taken control of some things i've needed to. grant and i stayed up late in the bed talking about that. he agreed. he felt the same. we have stuck around in a rut for so long, barely making it, and we can't figure out why we've put up with it. we just haven't been brave, simple as that. we need to shake things up. live how we want to live, find some breathing room.
and so we decided we have to leave utah. we made a plan. if all goes well we will be back in cali by spring. grant is going to be a fireman again while completing graduate work. i will keep on keepin' on only now i'll have access to the ocean, and consequently, an ocean of kelly happiness. who knows? i might even dust off my teaching credential when cate starts first grade and i'm an empty nester. we have hope to build a life we love.
so california here we come, right back where we started from...fingers crossed.
right now i am deep in love with julia child's memoir of the years she spent with her husband in paris. i have been taking long baths with my life in france, mesmerized by this amazing woman's experiences and her endearing writing. the thing i can't stop thinking about: she couldn't cook at all until she was well into her thirties! she went to culinary school and graduated at about age 38! this woman, who had a career in food famous enough to lend itself to saturday night live skits, didn't know a thing about her beloved french food, or any food, until she was older than i am now. this both amazes and inspires me.
a favorite passage from the book: "i had always been content to live the butterfly life of fun, with hardly a care in the world. but at the [cooking school], and in the markets and restaurants of paris, i suddenly discovered that cooking was a rich and layered and endlessly fascinating subject. the best way to describe it is to say that i fell in love with french food- the tastes, the processes, the history, the creativity, the wonderful people, the equipment, the rituals. i had never taken anything so seriously in my life- husband and cat excepted- and i could hardly bear to be away from the kitchen. what fun! what a revelation! how magnificent to find my life's calling at long last!"
and so i've been pondering if i've yet found the thing that makes me cry "how magnificent!". for a brief moment i thought i don't know if there's anything that i'm so attached to as to be called my life's work (excepting my loved ones). but i corrected myself quickly because i do know that feeling well, that excitment is felt by me in my many hobbies and interests. i decided that my life's calling has just come in a more broad category. i passionately love cooking, for example, but certainly not to the exclusion of all else. at length i determined that what i take seriously is all things that make a house a home. i love to fold laundry, make cookies, sew pillows, read and learn, play music, organize, have kids running around, and to be the main presence in a home. i love to read home inspiration magazines and actually try what they suggest. i love to grocery shop and try to eek as many meals as i can out of our budget. i love to do dishes. and i love it all so much i want to take pictures of it, even the "mundane". in short, absolutely nothing could make me more happy or excited than being a woman who runs her own home. yes. as not exciting as it may be to some, that alone is my life's calling.
and that got me thinking about this silly blog i keep. i've never really understood what it is i'm doing by blogging, or why i do it, other than i enjoy it (and mostly that's enough for me). i like that i keep a record for my family, and occaisionally can share with others my thoughts and beliefs, but then what's with the discussions of food or decor or quilts? should i really be so open about pms and baby making? is it worth my time being on the computer to show a knitted bootie? what really is the point of this thing? am i just going to keep blogging forever, or is it ever time to move on?
i think i know the point now. this meditation on passion and callings led me to understand two things about me: 1. my life's calling is to love and adore the work of a woman. my passion is to learn and create and beautify, and 2. whatever that entails for me each day i will share. because i believe this world needs voices of women who aren't disgruntled with motherhood, who aren't snarky about marriage, and who don't think their home is a prison. (or who at least are trying to see the brighter side). i want to be one of those voices.
so for julia, it's beouf bourginon. for me, it's telling all the world that i love laundry. what's it for you? or don't you know yet? well don't worry, you never know when it will hit you and you can say, "how magnificent to find my life's calling at long last!" after all, julia child was near 40 when she found out she was a chef.
but what else is new? i'm fine, quite used to it. just relieved the pms part of the month is taking its final bow. i am confused, however. how on god's green earth can a man, who is producing alot of "perfect size, shape, great swimmers" (doc's words...cue grant pounding chest...why do men feel proud of sperm?) and a woman, who through the miracle of gynecological science knows the exact second she is ovulating, not be able to get two lines on that stupid stick?
grant asked me if i wanted to look into adoption. and i just don't feel it. i try to get myself to think about it, but the thought quickly passes only leaving fear behind it. typically a sign that something's not the right path for you, eh? adoption has to be an intensely spiritually motivated thing, i think. to accept a baby as your own completely, well, you'd truly have to feel that they were "growing in your heart" and have a peaceful and compelling desire to find your child. i don't feel that. at least, angelina hasn't whispered to my heart that that's the right thing for us. [yet].
i am grateful to a degree beyond what i can express for cate. i know that i have the lucky end of the infertility stick, having already once conceived. i really have no right to sympathy or feeling sorry for myself, so i really try not to. i just try to enjoy mothering cate.
and in mothering cate yesterday i found myself at the kindergarten meet the teacher day. cate was sooooo wound up and nervous and excited about it that before we walked out the door i told her we better say a prayer so we're calm about this. after the prayer she looked so happy and squeezed both of my hands with hers. before i knew it we were in a school building. teachers, desks, cate's name on a cubby. i was trying so hard to choke back the tears. i was so embarrased to be crying. there were moms and dads everywhere nonchalantly showing their one-of-many kids their desk, and quickly reading paperwork so they could find the next classroom they need to check out. cate and i? we looked at every corner of the classroom. we read a book. we talked sitting on the reading circle. and i was desperately trying not to let the tears flow.
and then the thought occured to me: cry. this could be your only only experience seeing your child enter kindergarten. you cry. and as i let the tears fall i was transported back to when cate was a baby and all the experienced and harried moms chided me for how much i held/ nursed/ coddled/ and "babied" her. and then too, the feeling came: you hold her. you nurse her. you rock her to sleep. and yesterday i was profoundly grateful i did. yesterday i realized i may not have the chance to "baby" another. that those afternoons that i did nothing but sit in the rocker and look at her were very good decisions.
i'm not trying to be dramatic. i have always felt that we would have more. i believe the purpose of my experience yesterday was to prepare me for the news of another disappointing month, and to help me see the blessings of the trial of infertility. i could sit with my daughter and read a book; i had time to sit and shed a few tears over her rite of passage, and wax nostalgic about holding my tiny baby... and the blink of an eye since then.
the best food ever tastes is after a fast. the best water ever feels going down your throat is when you are parched. and i know someday when i am holding a newborn in my arms the feelings of joy will be magnified for all the waiting and struggling. it will be just another blessing of infertility.
me, coco, and my mom (who passed away a few months later) admiring my perfect baby.
a little while ago i felt like i had let some things go, and i wanted to feel better physically. and to feel good again i rededicated myself to yoga, making sure to do cardio everyday as well. i also found it necessary to be good to myself and take some alone/ down time if the hormones got going crazy (often).
but after a bit of that i started to feel like i wasn't having enough one on one, quality time with miss cate. i was feeling a little guilty about being so selfish with all of my time. so i shifted my focus to her and getting her ready for school and enjoying my last month with her. i told myself you better just cozy and play with her all day!!
it felt good. but then i realized, holy crap, we live in the real world and i need to make some money! time to get my butt back in gear. so i started working hard on the etsy shop and taking pictures for people like crazy. i needed to get caught up and the checkbook in order!
then i looked up from behind my knitting needles and saw that my house had gotten totally out of control. i needed to do some major cleaning. laundry, and how! get the spoiled food out of the fridge! how had i been living like this? yikes!! and speaking of dirty, when was my last shower....?
ahhh. the house was clean. but something didn't feel right. oh, that's it. in all my busy-ness my scriptures had gotten kind of dusty and a temple visit? well, it had been a while. my prayers had gotten quick and mostly about being safe. it was time to fill my spiritual tank and get back in some good habits.
that's better. feeling more at peace. i think i'd like to feel as good physically as spiritually. i think i better focus on yoga and cardio for a bit....
and so it goes.
i've learned i simply don't have the capacity to "do it all."
i just try and look out for which plate needs another spin...
i saw mia michaels interviewed yesterday, and she said something that i can't get out of my mind. they asked her how she felt about her emmy, won for last year's work on sytycd. in response, she got a little emotional and talked about how hard she has had to work in this business because she wasn't a typical dancer. she said, "to be recognized for being exactly me, and nobody but me, was powerful." i wonder if the award would have been quite so powerful had she spent her career copying other styles instead of honing her own? when she was trying to make it, all her critiques at auditions were: "you're an amazing dancer, but you need a better body. sorry." would she be quite as proud of her work if she listened and went the eating disorder route rather than saying, "screw you, i'll just coreograph?" (which is what she did).
you will never be proud of work that is not your own. i struggle with what to do when i'm clicking around etsy and see exact copies of things i've designed that someone else is selling. example: i sell the pattern to my crochet booties, copywrited and for personal use only, and i see them being sold in etsy shops by people who have bought the pattern. one woman is even having them featured in a magazine soon, without any thought of giving me credit. someone is selling the wool quiet books i made. like, NO difference. it wouldn't even bother me if like the tree was a different color or something. but it is exact, mine used as a pattern.
i am totally realistic about how "there's nothing you can do that can't be done" aspect of making things. quilting, bunting, booties, it's all been done every way there is to be done. i'm totally aware that we are all inspired by each other. i have no desire to call these people out, no desire to be mean. it just makes me sad. they just need a healthy dose of mia. i'm sure things i've made have been reminicent of someone else's style. but i never ever ever ever ever seek to do anything but be me. i would never dream of copying exactly someone's work. i can't imagine how that's even fun.
a long time ago i made some rules for myself to be sure i was being real, and not letting the blogging world make me feel inadequate or like i needed to compete or copy. i know so many people who struggle with reading blogs and feeling envious and bad about themselves. quit it! what's the point of that? follow my rules: 1. only read blogs that truly inspire you to be your best self. if you are reading a blog that makes you feel bad, unsubscribe. 2. limit your time on the computer. don't read a million blogs. this is fake life. it will skew your vision of your real life and what's really important. i only read a handful of non friend/ family blogs, and they make me happy and motivated. 3. it's ok to love what someone makes/ does/ creates without feeling like you need to do it too or you're not as good as them. our worth is not defined by our skill at hobbies (that's craziness). hobbies are for relaxation in this life. life is for your family, your friends, and knowing your worth as a child of god. some of us are more interested in making stuff than others. i'm sure there's people out there who get dressed before 3 pm. different strokes for different folks. the world needs us all. 4. if you love to blog, blog. you don't owe anyone anything, nor does how many comments you get on a post have anything to do with how awesome/ not awesome of a person you are. don't participate in or read mean-spirited blogs. don't compare your blogs to other blogs. do what you like and don't worry about what others think. 5. be exactly you, and nobody else.
comparing is a really hard thing about being a woman right now. i do struggle with it too. (hence, the making of the rules). i can feel really bad about myself around skinny chicks wearing the style of clothes i wish i looked good in (read: skinny jeans). or you know those super young couples who have already bought like the nicest house? and then when they decide they're ready to finally have kids they have like as many as they want no problem? that makes me feel really down. in those moments i take a step back and remember that we are all children of god. he wants the best thing for all of us (to return to live with him) and he is not concerned with our fashion or our cool house. he gives us each different experiences that are tailor made for each one of us, for what we need. for our growth. for our good. he gives us each different talents to contribute. some of the most important talents are not tangible ones, like kindess and generosity. and what he is concerned about is what we do with what we've been given. our gratitude. our service. our sharing.
elaine jack said, "sometimes comparisons creep up on us. some of you may say, 'i’m just average. there’s nothing special about me or my life.' and yet what is manifested plainly to me is that you are extraordinary, you whose average day is lived in accordance with our heavenly father’s laws. you show your love for the Lord daily as you support husbands, nurture children, care for parents, benefit neighbors, serve in your schools, sit on community councils, and do much of the work of this world in and out of the home. no one is more impressive than you."
here's to loving ourselves for who we are. here's to finding out what god has designed for our life. here's to developing and sharing the gifts we have been bestowed with and enjoying the gifts others have been given. here's to shunning covetousness. here's to being happy for others' successes, rather than jealous. here's to feeling powerfully true to ourselves as children of god.
***************
ps.- yay for joshua! and i cried like a baby when all our old friends from other seasons performed. neil! benji! ivan! anja! dominic! travis! i love them all. i'm so sad it's over.
if spring is the season that we concern ourselves with fertile ground and planting seeds, then this is the springtime of my life. right now all my time is spent trying to get things to grow. not only have i been frequenting the local nurseries, graphing plots, and mixing soil... i have been popping pills, peeing on sticks, and counting days trying to grow a different, more precious type of seed: mine. i do already have one seed that has sprouted to a little girl, and she needs a lot of daily pruning. and then there's the seeds of faith that i'm continually trying to nourish and keep the weeds away from. these seeds take the most patience of all. assessing all i am trying to accomplish can leave me feeling tired...and barren.
so, the question i asked myself today was: do i have it in me to keep up the work required for all this harvesting i want to do? do i have it in me to continue improving my soil, both real and metaphorical?
in a word: yes. because happily, there's a master gardener who owns the land i am tending, and we are creating the harvest together.
my parents' relationship would never have been described using the words loving or respectful or happy exactly. they were kind of just surviving. but hey, they were married for forty years before she died, so you gotta give them some kind of credit. i was just glad i had both parents growing up, as so many of my friends didn't. but i was, however, well aware of the tension always in my home- and knew i wanted something different, something more.
my idea of a happy marriage was formed and fantasized about every thursday night while watching the cosby show. i wanted to be strong and smart and sassy and respected. i wanted my husband to be funny as all get out, educated, music loving, hands on, and whipped. i wanted to be able to get my husband to do whatever i wanted with one little look. and i wanted him to turn on soulful music and seduce me with funny dances. i wanted to take our gaggle of good but normal kids to jazz concerts, art auctions, and to buy funky sweaters. in short, i wanted to be claire, and i wanted to marry heathcliff.
all of these marital requirements were, of course, subconcious- just childhood admiration of a tv couple. and they were forgotten about when the show was canceled and i started to grow up. until today that is, when i was taking a break from housework and watching the cosby show. and it struck me how similar grant is in his parenting tactics to dr. huxtable. when cate is upset about anything or has done anything wrong, grant tells her a goofy story or example, usually using crazy voices and defuses and teaches through laughter. i then began to make other connections, and decided i got pretty freaking close to my childhood fantasy of a husband. dang it if he doesn't do funny dances for me all the time, and run this house with silly faces and good hands on parenting.
so how am i measuring up to claire? well, my confidence and liberation is full and complete; that is comparable, i suppose. i can't, however, control grant with a look, and i would never call him whipped. and i don't have it quite as "together"; but that's okay because i've learned a few things about reality since those thursday nights of yesteryear: 1. it would be impossible to be a lawyer, have a doctor husband and both always be around to talk to the kids. this part was was not reality. 2. your house would never look that perfect or be that calm and organized with one child, and certainly not with five. this part was not reality. 3. there are real disappointments and disagreements in a marriage that need constant patience and forgiveness from both husband and wife. this part was not shown as much as was a husband that just did as he was told to avoid conflict (and tried to teach elvin to do the same. i loved elvin). that's just not marriage reality (for me anyway!).
what is my reality is two people who respect one another and try to laugh their way through the ups and downs of life while imperfectly teaching their child good principles. and i've learned i don't need to have a career to be complete, and i don't need to control my man to be powerful.
so as i laid on my bed this afternoon watching the cosby show, i decided i will always love them, they were such a great example to me of marital bliss. yes, i love the huxtables... but i'd rather be the mccalebs. any day of the week and twice on thursday.
i was the founder and president of my middle school's envrionmental protection club beginning in 1990. i love the earth. i believe in having a garden, living simply, and limiting consumerism. dang near every one of our belongings are third hand, and we drive one non-gas guzzler and one 74 mile per gallon scooter.
and i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate the word "green". it makes my skin crawl.
i believe in a "common sense stewardship". i don't subscribe to the ridiculous "intellectual superiority" that people who can afford to wear organic jeans have. it's maddening that celebrities, who are the world's most ridiculous and irresponsible consumers, and are in general uneducated hollywood partiers think to tell me what is right and wrong. guess what, cameron diaz? i purchase second hand things because it's all i can afford. i don't waste water or energy because i can't afford to. i don't fly all over or waste fuel because i can't afford to. i use paperless billing and fight junk mail because i don't have a personal assistant and my time is precious. i take care of the outdoors because god created it. i am a wise steward because my religion teaches me so. ok, go back to your party and your joint with drew barrymore now, cameron diaz.
ps- do you like her fashionable bag? the brilliant activist wore it in peru while touring there. it's emblazoned with one of mao zedong's favorite communist political slogans, in a country where a maoist insurgency killed 70,000 of their people. awesome. oh, she apologized. right before telling me to save water by brushing my teeth in the shower. (what? she really said that. think about it. what???) cam, how many bags does that make that you own? like 300? how very, very green.
in conclusion, be sure to listen to all those hollywood celebrities out there when deciding whom to vote for. they know what they're talking about.
ps- i really like cameron diaz in movies.
what good advice. i read and thought about it all, and also the many emails (thank you thank you) and this is what i think: the comments that most woke me up were those reminding me that kindergarten is like 2.5 hours. that's nothing. so basically i'll have no excuse not to work out every day and that's about all the extra time i'll be getting. so. i think i shall continue to read every published book on marriage and child rearing that garage sales and the library have to offer. i will continue to be an advocate. i will perhaps give more attention to the etsy shop if more kids don't come soon. but the thing is, i feel like more will come soon, and i certainly won't want to be stressed out in school, i'll want to be enjoying every minute of it. and i feel like someday, later, i will do social work or family counseling or rehab programs or be a one woman army against pornography. i've felt that many times. but i think i'll wait. i think the dream was just a dream about something that i've many times dreamed of doing. right now, i think i'll keep piddling around my house in pajamas.
and now, you have proven to be great personal life coaches/ good choice makers, and i have lots more questions! (and i will be gone all weekend so you have lots of time to give me all your wisdom and answer one or two). ok, human googles, here's what's currently keeping me up at night:
well have a wonderful holiday! i'm outta here till tuesday yay! and i can't resist a mosiac for the weekend. i will relaxing and knitting. some valentine creating love:
credits:
1. Friendly Birds, 2. Red/Aqua/White bag from Japanese craft book., 3. bonnet for a munchkin, 4. crocheted valentine garland, 5. I Love The Little Heart!, 6. cupcake swap: the apron, 7. Sweet Hearts Garland, 8. Perfect Party Cake, 9. Deerly Pin--surprise gift inside of notecard!, 10. Pouche with cherrys, 11. Heart Felt Expression, 12. red, aqua, buttons: sneak peek, 13. Mmm, lines. Trippy., 14. Ma petite Bê!, 15. pincushioncorner, 16. Be Mine Valentine!
cate has been under the mistaken, yet understandable, impression that when we die, in three days we come back to life. i haven't had the heart to tell her that while jesus indeed showed up three days later, our resurrection might take a little more time. so today as she was talking about it again- how awesome it is that we will come back to life three days after we die- i figured i better tell her the truth in case something happens to someone close to her and she expects a quick return. and, you know, to be honest about it.
i put it very gently, hopefully, and positively...nevertheless, tears were flowing instantly. i didn't expect her to get what i was saying, but she did and was quite concerned that we would ever be separated, even for a little while. i grabbed her and told her that we would all live nice long lives together and when i am the great grandma to her grandkids she'll be sick of me and i'll need a rest. "and you'll want to see your mommy again," she said, with a little less sadness. "yes, that too."
and then it was my great pleasure to explain to cate how the story ends. how there will be no such thing as dying or death or sickness or sadness after this life; that this life where we needed to experience those things or we couldn't feel the joy or understand the wonder of eternity without them. that we can be together forever in peace, "to go no more out" (to quote a favorite scriptural phrase of mine). that all we have to do is follow jesus' plan. she smiled a big, innocent, happy smile and jumped to give me a tight hug. "well, i really like that and i like jesus! so will penny be there? and granny? and lizzie? and shima? and my cousins? and everyone????"
i couldn't help but see how the brightness of hope upon hearing the "good news" drove away her fears. and i think it was a message to me. i have been known to focus on my fears. this wonderful conversation with my four year old gave me a new focus; this year, my focus, or "theme", if you will, is going to be hope. i am going to study it, ponder it, have it. i'll let you know how it goes.
i have been so busy. and i'm so grateful to have time to breathe now. especially because my slow inhale includes the scent of the huge fir tree that is in our living room. the beehive bazaar was so awesome and now i am so looking forward to a super mellow christmas season. i am going to read by the fire and take long winter naps- i deserve it, i've had a busy year! my final "chore" of 2007 is a shop update that will happen on wednesday. i have some great stuff to list so be sure not to miss it!
in other news, grant and i finally had the guts to do what we have been talking about for months: turn the satelite off. i have been SO sick of the raunchy commercials, what they are allowing on prime time tv, and how the kid's channels attack cate with commercials of things she didn't know she needed, but then begs for. we are on a tight budget, so it felt good to give that bill up too. we were all just watching way too much tv and it feels so great to be done with it. of course we can't miss the office or 30 rock so thank goodness we get a few channels with our hd antenna!
i'm so happy right now.
my grant. he is such a good guy. cute and funny and smart and capable. his weakness? he has a very, very bad temper- seriously, do NOT make him angry. and it's been like that since literally birth. a favorite story is told about a neighborhood birthday party when grant was three. someone was being mean to his brother after the festivities and that somebody took off down the street. grant chased after him on his two wheeler (which he could ride at the age of two) to take care of business, not forgetting to first put the birthday pinata bear head on his head and grab a bat in case he needed weaponry.
at fourteen grant shattered a glass shower door, requiring stitches in his hand, because his siblings had used all the hot water. a decade later, when we were dating, i made him mad enough on several occasions that i got to see the full force of his power (knocking over a mailbox with is fist, throwing tall shelves, denting his truck with his elbow, to name a few). you might think that should have scared me off, but remember how i like the brooding naughty sith lord, i mean, boy? and the thing is, to me, grant's good side far outweighs the tempermental bad side. me n padme know how to see a diamond in the rough.
cate has long shown many of grant's personality traits, and as of late she has been showing great progress in her own short fuse feats of strength. she goes from happy angel to screaming and punching a wall in two seconds flat. she seems so not in control, and so just like how grant gets...and i just have been really frustrated trying to help her learn to control her anger. the thing that i personally have a hard time understanding is how the little tiny insignificant things can set them off. i don't have a lot of patience for anger that arises from your favorite cup being dirty!
so last night, after cate was asleep, i cozied with grant in the bed and we talked about our little girl. i told him what i've been struggling with during the day with her, and asked if he had any thoughts or advice. he thought for a minute and said, "are you playing with her? i don't just mean being there, i mean playing on her level? because i think her anger isn't really about the trivial thing, but about that she's bored or lonely or needs stimulation- it's just coming out over the little stuff." how wise! i knew instantly what he said was dead on, and i vowed to do better at getting down and putting the barbie clothes on and playing school endlessly, etc. i expressed my concerns to grant about how hard it is to do that all day and still maintain a clean house, run errands, pay the bills, my financially necessary photo shoots and etsy shop, fulfill my church calling, be in touch with friends and family, exercise, read the scriptures, prepare meals, serve others, and have time for recreational activities and relaxation. i just don't know how i can play barbies for extended periods of time (we already read, play some, and i involve her in everything i do and i'm maxed!) he suggested that she's the reason i'm home, so do that first and let the rest fall into place when and if there's time. he advised me to take time to get out to the park everyday and make sure we get fresh air, that running off some of her endless energy is vital.
and so today, as i layed in the sunshine at the park, i thought about how lucky i am to have such a man. a man whose tenderness trumps his temper and whose priorities are just right. i love him.
and yes, she did so much better today.
as a child i was interested in learning. i read every waking minute. i begged for lessons in every field. i started taking piano lessons at the age of five and really loved it. it was not a chore to practice, and the skill came rather easily for me. i was eager to start junior high, where i heard that you could pick other instruments to learn to play, and that sounded so exciting. i was busy with other interests, too. in sixth grade i started the environmental club, was president of the needlepoint club, was my grade's student council representative, loved math and english, i was even in 4H! and had chosen to play the cello in the orchestra. since i already could read music, and wasn't intimidated by classical pieces (since i had been playing them for some time on the piano), the cello seemed to be a snap. by the end of seventh grade i was first chair; i vividly remember the thrill of playing in the orchestra, (my favorite was the brandenburg suite), and hearing how my instrument blended with so many others to create something powerful. i can close my eyes right now and see the look of our teacher's face as her hands led us through the pieces. i loved the rise and fall in intensity; and moving the bow back and forth was mesmerizing. i loved playing the cello.
and then i made cheerleader.
goodbye environmental club, goodbye needlepoint club, goodbye student council. hello boys, hello bad attitude, hello telephone.
but...i still loved the cello. i never even told my "friends" that i was in the orchestra, and would slip off to my period 2 elective in the music room without the usual hallway fanfare. the first pep rally of my eighth grade year would prove to be difficult. i had to cheer, and was therefore in full uniform with the high ponytail in ringlets; i also had to play in the orchestra and was therefore lugging a ginormous black case. i was "going out" with a super cute boy and i was so nervous to play my big "nerdy" instrument in front of his little skater punk group of friends. (ironically i was not at all nervous to kick my legs in the air while wearing an incredibly short skirt.) but play i did, hoping they would appreciate the music. and as we finished our piece (it was really, really good) i looked up to see those idiots snickering.
and then i dropped out of orchestra.
goodbye character. hello teenage nightmare.
right after cate was born i became wonderful friends with a funny girl named jill. jill and her husband lived down the street from us. she had a baby girl named kate. cate and kate spent much of their first two years of life together. jill and i talked and talked. jill had graduated byu as a cello performance major. she was amazing. i made her play that one bach suite that's on master and commander, like, 100 times for me. i was a tortured listener, racked with regrets. she offered to teach me but i couldn't afford a cello (i don't even have a piano). she had about a dozen incredible cello students. for their christmas concert one year jill asked me to be the accompaniest. i attended all their lessons for a few weeks to work out the kinks, then showed up at their big night to sit unassumingly behind the baby grand. at the conclusion of the pieces i looked at each awkward, fairly nerdy teenager stand up with a bow in one hand, the neck of their cello in the other. uncomfortably bowing to a roomful of applause and then the next would sit to show the results of their years of study. that night was painful. that night the deep, intense, and beautiful notes coming from the cellos seemed to be telling me stories of my adolecense. sad tales of all the times i had caved...all the times i was not strong enough.
and then i cried the whole way home.
i desire nothing more in life than to be successful as a wife and mother. i shouldn't say "nothing more" because that would be the most important and difficult things i could accomplish. marriage and motherhood is really really hard. i am so grateful to belong to a church whose most important goal is to keep families christ centered and resilient and together. life is so complicated- money, temptations, busy-ness, children and mothers not spending their days together- it's so tough- i don't know how any couple could weather the storms of life without prayer, faith, forgiveness, and absolute determination. that is what it has taken for us, and i'm quite sure, life will continue to require our all to accomplish its successful navigation. just wanted you to know that if you struggle, i'm with ya. it's a daily fight. but the good news is that this life is but a small moment and that prayer works...and that we're all in this together. no matter how perfect someone's life may look to you from the outside, they have their own set of trials just like you. this sunday was a peaceful, contemplative one. i really felt the spirit at church and i left happier. for all the difficulties of life, our homes and churches and nature offer us sanctuary and respite from the filth of the world, and happiness and peace is readily available to us. we can live a happy, meaningful life.
have you ever laid by a pool (or even better, the ocean) at about 4 pm when the sun seems warmer but not as bright than when you first laid your towel down, and you are pleasantly thinking about what you want to make for dinner after the soothing shower you are just about ready to take? have you ever dove in for one final dip, floated on your back a little and closed your eyes only to still see the sun's warm rays on the inside of your eyelids? have you ever thought, thank you heavenly father, for this beautiful life i am living?
i had that kind of day. involved were friends, food, diet coke, a book, sunglasses, water, the sun, my girl- all really good things. those kind of carefree days have been few and far between lately. i don't know, i think i got busy, and forgot to just chill. but i do know that i need to have that kind of day a lot more. after today i feel like tomorrow i can conquer the world. i guess what i'm saying is, it pays to be good to yourself every now and again.
the french philosopher, montaigne said, "my life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened." that my friends, is me in a nutshell. i have an over-active imagination that in childhood days was used for play and dreaming; now, in cynical adulthood, my imagination has turned against me into a constant portrayal of pending tragedy. i often fear the worst. then the fear turns to panic. fear of fear. over something as common and non- life- threatening as finding out why i'm infertile i had a panic attack. a suffocating-heart-pounding-i-think-i'm-going-to-die panic attack. it seems ridiculous to me now. absolutely ridiculous. and so much harder than going to the doctor.
i share this to tell anyone that is anxiety plagued like me to hold someone's hand and stop putting off what you know you need to do, whatever that may be. and get this book. it will change your life. it's a wonderful read for anyone. i've begun to tote it in my purse and read bits whenever i need a calming affect. much of his writing reminds us that jesus told us sufficient is the evil of today to deal with that we don't need to worry about the morrow (until the morrow). give us THIS day our daily bread. planning and preparing are vastly different than worry and anxiety. the best way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all your intelligence and enthusiasm on doing today's work superbly today. from the book:
"we are standing at the meeting of two eternities: the vast past and future. we can't possibly live in either of those two eternities...but by trying to do so we can wreck both our bodies and our minds. so live from now until bedtime. 'anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall,' wrote robert lewis stevenson, 'anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. and this is all life really means.'"
a long list of to-do's.
go potty! we've gotta go!
buckle. unbuckle. buckle. unbuckle.
hold my hand. c'mon let's go! over here.
stay by me!
sit down. hang on. do you need to go potty?
stay by me!
no, we'll get that next time. why don't you put it on your christmas list?
you're being good, just one more stop...
buckle. unbuckle.
just one more, i promise...
just one more...
and
finally.
buckle. silence. golden sun streaming in from the west.
unbuckle.
i carry her in and start dinner.
writer answer: funny you should ask, sam! i always have had a mantra, or a phrase that is particularly meaningful to me during different phases of my life. some have lasted for years, running through my head daily pushing me onward. some last only weeks, serving a particular short term inspirational need. all have serendipitously come along in my life at the right time, heard or read, and hitting right in the heart where it would stay indefinately. from the ages of 18-20 it was "do the right thing regardless of the consequences". you don't know how much those words running through my mind saved me on a daily basis!! when i transfered to byu in utah, the mantra became gordon b. hinckley's admonition: "don't be a scrub", as i really liked to be "scrubby" and the honor code had a nasty little effect on me to want to be even scrubbier, if that was possible. as a missionary there were many mantras that came along, but one i still think of often is "the cart began to push me" refering to the martin handcart company pioneers who were crossing the plains in the most deadly circumstances. one survivor recalls that he would look ahead to a hill and say i can make it to that hill and no farther, there i will lay down and die. it was a that point at the hill, when he was ready to die, that he would say, "the cart began to push me". i saw a painting of a man in a snow storm with his handcart, head bowed against the brutal wind, with a host of angels behind the cart pushing him. the image of that painting and those profound words literally "pushed" me through the hardships of a mission.
right now my mantra is: increase your capacity. perhaps that sounds odd. allow me to 'splain. you see, i have always been a little crazy. the words "i just can't handle ______" (fill in the blank with anything unpleasant) is known to come flying out of my mouth a lot. i have always given myself an "out" for things i knew i should be doing better, but just couldn't because, well, i couldn't handle it. to be concise, i'm a bit of a selfish lazy sort of woman. i need a lot of down/ alone time.
enter a card and family update i received from this gorgeous freckled dear of a girl this last christmas season. it was so darling, as to be expected, but what struck me most is the comment written by her husband in the letter- which was something to the effect of- "we continue to be amazed by her capacity..." i LOVED that. loved. i thought that was without a doubt the greatest compliment a woman could receive from her husband. and the realization that i wasn't worthy of that compliment, since my capacity does little to amaze me, let alone anyone else, i thought, now there's a worthy and inspiring goal for me. stop complaining and start doing everything that needs to be done!! increase your capacity!! any time i feel lazy, or complain-y, or ungrateful, or not wanting to do what i should, i think about the capacity that is in women for good, specifically in me, and how the adversary would love for us as women to diminish our capacity, and say life is too hard and waste our energies complaining...but with that recognition, and further understanding that the lord wants us to grow and develop and enlarge our capacities i say: we can do it! and if the load on our cart seems heavy, we can pray and confess the heaviness of the load, and i know the angels will begin to push...and then, our capacity will be HUGE.
when i need a little reminder i think of that nie to the nie - her husband wasn't lying! she lovingly cares for four children all under the age of five, the first one born when she was, what, stephanie, 20? she is deeply conscious of her family's health, testimonies, and enjoyment of life. she never speaks a negative word about the busy life she enjoys raising her young ones, and is excited to bring more into the world (did i mention she labors at home with no drugs? that kind of capacity i do not even want). she keeps a beautiful home and is the picture of lovliness. thanks for the inspiration (and the pics pirated off your blog) s.n.! because of your right positive example my capacity will grow and grow and grow...
"the woman who bore me is no longer alive, but i seem to be her daughter in increasingly profound ways." - johnetta b. cole.
like in how i'm constantly applying moisturizer to my face wrapped in a robe. or how i hear things come out of my mouth to my child that was exactly what she said to me, that i swore i wouldn't say. or how i piddle around the house cleaning and thinking and planning and praying. and how my legs have begun to "percilate" and how i justify actions by saying "for once in my life i'm going to be selfish." and, of course, how i'm always telling cate to put on something cozy and pull her hair back.
mom, i miss you. i have moments of forgetfulness often when i am upset and reach for the phone to call you, only to be hit with the realization all over again that i can't. i want to hear your laugh, your voice whispering prayers from your bathroom, your pajama bottoms whishing around the house, dr. laura on your radio, and your yawn-scream in the morning when you wake up. but then i hear my identical laugh, my prayers, my pj bottoms, my talk radio, and my yawn-scream and i realize you are always with me. love, kelly (the 5th child who "ruined your body forever").
i am super excited to answer all the questions, and i shall. but i have something to say first. i have been reading with great interest all the praise for aprons during the delightful apron week on the blog de cjane. during my reading i asked myself at least 42 times why i don't don an apron more. i am always cleaning, cooking, painting, and other dirty activities. i love aprons. i sew them. i just never ever put them on after they get put in the special drawer. i believe i have found the answer. my own alternative to the apron: pajamas. i am always in pajamas.
i blame my mother. she was always in pajamas. and she was always saying "go get your pajamas on...and your hair out of your face.." thus the uniform for a girl in my family became lightweight drawstring bottoms (prefered because we are blessed with ample middles and a tendency for hot flashes), a baggy perfect shirt with bleach spots, and the hair twisted up in a high bun. we have an obsessive need to always be comfortable and cozy and i blame my mother.
i see the great divide that stands between a pajama donning, throwing on a sweatshirt when someone's at the door so they don't see you're not wearing a bra, feeling it doesn't matter what gets all over these 'ol rags----and the ladies that are smashingly dressed and need a layer of cloth to cover their pretty clothes. and i think about crossing that divide to the land of the dressed and make-up'd on non-weekend-days. but then i remember how comfortable i am. i blame my mother.
don't feel too bad for me. the pajamas will make their way off to spend some time out here...
as i am currently in arizona to babysit the neices and nephew for a bit. on the agenda? chipotle, chipotle, swim, chipotle, swim, swim, sew. yep, the shop will be updated tomorrow at noon with some delightfuls! so make sure you check it out.
and now to answer a question before concluding... let's start with my favorite one asked by my friend sara h: "how did you get so ridiculously good looking?"
answer: many, many things contribute to my striking good looks; i couldn't possibly give all the credit to one beauty secret. but here's a few i am willing to divulge: 1. never, ever, under any circumstances wash the make-up off your face before bed. along the same lines, brushing your teeth in the evening is optional. 2. 64+ ounces of diet coke a day will keep you looking radiant! 3. only buy a bra once every decade. don't worry. oprah is wrong alot. 4. i really like to hold on to an extra 10-20 pounds. i find that my smile is so much more charming when surrounded by great round cheeks and a generous chin. 5. always wear your pajamas.
i hope your easter was wonderful, ours was. i was reading some poetry tonight about the beauty of spring and came across these beautiful verses. the meaning is profound. joy is the purpose of our existence. nature, acting in obedience to god in all things, has found its joy readily. man, in pride, often acts contrary to the will of god, and causes a loss of joy to his existence. i am drawn to the simultaneous simplicity and depth of these thoughts.
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by william wordsworth, "lines written in early spring", 1798:
I heard a thousand blended notes, While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts Bring sad thoughts to the mind.
To her fair works did Nature link The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think What man has made of man.
Through primrose tufts, in that green bower, The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;
And ’tis my faith that every flower Enjoys the air it breathes.
The birds around me hopped and played, Their thoughts I cannot measure:--
But the least motion which they made It seemed a thrill of pleasure.
The budding twigs spread out their fan, To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can, That there was pleasure there.
If this belief from heaven be sent, If such be Nature’s holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament What man has made of man?
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i challenge you today to sit outside for a minute or sixty and pen a few lines of what you feel. i'm no poet, this will be a real challenge for me, but perhaps it will bring some enlightened thoughts? some fresh insights? gratitude? i'd love to hear what you write, please share!!
dear dear etsy. there is so much i love about you. i love that you have drawn amazing artists and indie crafters like a right-brained magnet. i love that when i purchase from your sellers all the profits go right to the artist; this makes me happy thrice because: 1. sellers can actually make good money! 2. buyers appreciate handmade because usually they are themselves excited etsy artists spreading the wealth! and, 3. because there's no middleman to mark up costs (it's 100% markup in boutiques)- prices stay low. i love the handpicked items on the home page each day. i love that i can shop by color. i love that people heart me and i heart people. i love love love the wealth of talent and true craftsmanship that i find whenever i wander about your shops. and finally, dear, dear etsy, i love you because you have made it possible to live the life i've dreamed of. creating from home and making a dime or two while being happy that other's can buy handmade for a reasonable sum. thank you so much etsy for existing. you have made my life infinately better.
i can't tell you enough how much i believe in supporting {good, uplifting} art and having {good, uplifting} art and the handmade in your home. as for my shop, the update on tuesday will finally have some quiet books that i've had a lot of people ask about purchasing, a few more vintage and bird scrap kits, and a surprise or two! i love you, etsy. and i love you happy little life readers!
cate made this pretty kit today, don't you LOVE it?? that girl is so bright. i've been feeling, well actually, cate's been telling me, that she needs to go to preschool. i feel like she's lonely- even though she loves being my assistant cooker/cleaner/crafter, and making me play dumb barbies all the time- she needs kids her age. and she desperately needs to be challenged. i've felt this for awhile but it's been so hard for me to go through with it. i just hate the thought of dropping her off some place and i can't find a school that i feel good enough about to overcome that. we're just too far away from the waldorf school in salt lake, which i would love. i want a school that will nurture creativity, engage the children with hands on activities and foster wonder and imagination more that abc's- but abc's are just fine too- i just want a special place for my special girl. i know all you moms of a million kids are laughing your heads off that i'm being so dramatic about preschool- but i can't help it. my mom was an amazing preschool teacher and some of my strongest opinions lie on the subject of the bajillions of things that are wrong with the way we educate in america (don't get all huffy, my degree is in secondary education- i was a teacher too) and if i hadn't have found a husband to settle down with i was planning on taking our country by storm to change some things about it (oh the idealism of a college student) but for now all i can do is pick my educational options for my child carefully and eventually be pta president (haha, oh but i don't think i'm kidding really...) so i'm looking for some leads...any utah county-ans out there know a school that could fit the bill? i would be ever so grateful, and would even consider you for the co-chair of the pta...
every time i start to get sad about how i'm having trouble getting pregnant, all i have to do is remember how awesome my life is with my little best friend. we sleep in till 10. we make waffles and talk about our crazy dreams from the night before. then a little tidying is in order...
then some yoga (pronounced "oga"), a little crafting, then we decide we better get ready (it's now 2 pm when we hop in the bubble bath) for the days errands and "drudgeries"...
drudgeries like a smoothie and quesadilla before a little shopping. then it's home to make dinner for daddy and relax together. nope. i have nothing to be sad about. quite the opposite actually.
1. i feel sick. i need a cleanse. i need a detox. i need lots of water and yoga. i'll let you know how it goes.
2. i feel inspired. can't wait to show what i'm working on for the shop update next tuesday, it's all going to be so pretty.
3. i feel happy. ck gave me an honorable mention in this year's hall of fame. so that's cool. and my favoritest scrapbooker in all the land won a real hof spot, and that makes me even more happy cause she rocks.
4. i feel ready. it's time to go to the doctor and face the cause of our difficulty conceiving.
5. i feel smarter. cause i have brown hair now.
6. i feel exhausted. why do i always stay up too late?
7. i feel satisfied. life is good, we are healthy, family ties season one is out on dvd. what more could i ask for?
so i have a serious problem with having crazy dreams. and it feels like i have 10 hours worth a night, and i never forget a minute. it takes me all day to shake off the weird feeling from the night before's adventures, dialogues, and old faces that pop up. so last night as i was fast forwarding through american idol, i got all red in the face remembering the dream starring simon cowell and me of a few nights back. i was a contestant on ai, and after my mediocre performance, simon pushed up his little sleeves, rubbed his weird over-developed pecks and said, "look, your vocals aren't what's going to keep you on the show but you definately have a star quality, and a face i could get used to. come, let's get some food." to which i leapt off the stage grabbed his hand and went skipping (literally, we skipped) off to a strange atrium cafeteria where we discussed a long term relationship and i asked him if he would kindly pull his sleeves down. please don't ask. i don't know where it came from but i'd like it to stop. does anyone know how to close the curtain to my nighttime theater? (unacceptable answers: stop staying up late and sleeping in, stop drinking diet coke, stop eating right before you go to bed, and don't watch tv right before you fall asleep. i am unwilling to cooperate with these ridiculous requests.) had any good dreams lately? do tell.
a favorite quote from george bernard shaw: "except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does." i am currently enjoying a fascination for trees. it was brought on by living in an area that is being newly developed, neighborhood after neighborhood being thrown up with monsterous houses and a stark lack of...anything else. it took me a bit to figure out what the void i felt was/ why i didn't care to be outside/ why i had no desire to own one of the super nice homes i'm surrounded by. but a visit to our old provo neighborhood, a 100+ year old college community just 20 minutes south, made the connection in my heart and mind. there were trees. old houses and lots and lots of trees. tall ones. full ones. old ones. ones with swings. ones that shaded entire yards. what comfort they brought!! what is it about trees that is so reassuring to me? why would i choose an old delapidated house that boasts a majestic tree over a new perfect house in un-landscaped suburbia? grant and i dream of a home (probably only to be had in the next life) that rests at the end of a tree lined drive, humble and protected. the trees swaying in welcome when we arrive home. filtering harsh light, standing firm against harsh wind. offering a song on breezy days and beauty and richness in the changing seasons. that connect us to years gone by. reminding us of the importance of roots and a heaven-ward reach. a place where kids want to blissfully climb higher and escape this world- a church of sorts. a masterpiece of nature. a testimony that age is beautiful and lines and spots mean experience and solidarity. the branches reaching out charitibly to house and protect creatures great and small, and feed them too- no wonder they are the subject of so many of the parables of jesus. yes, i would be happy to live in any home that had befriended some trees in years gone by, be it ever so humble.
one of my favorite feelings in the world is walking into a (mostly) clean house after church, kicking off anything restrictive, deciding what to eat for lunch, and debating who should afterward make the cookies. everyone feeling pleasant, relaxed, and (mostly) un-scheduled. i am anticipating what book i shall cozy up with, or if i should hop in a warm bath and continue some scripture reading, or if i will sit in my favorite chair by the sunny window and meditate and write in my journal. i absolutely heart this feeling. i feel it now. it's the feeling when grant has a thoughtful look on his face and says "i love my girls" out of the blue. it is the feeling of cate saying "mom! look what i colored! it's jesus!" and jumps up on the bed to cozy me while i read. it's the feeling of saying "i'll make the cookies" because i love them so much. grant snapped these pictures moments after walking in the door and kicking off the church shoes today...they make me very, very happy.
i tried to save this cupcake till tonight when i could enjoy it in the bath with a book and some tea, but the temptation proved too great. as i took that glorious bite, i got to thinking about the place this perfect little cupcake must have come from. then i got to thinking, wouldn't it be the best job in the whole world to own a really sweet and pretty bakery? that made oversize cupcakes and little tarts and cheesecakes and breads? that had the most fabulous party cake designer around and sold little girls aprons and mixes and handmade goodies all along the walls? then i thought, the only better job in the world would be to have a yarn and fabric store with every delicious yarn and gorgeous fabric, both new and vintage imaginable in wonderful colors and big comfortable couches where you sat and knit or hand sewed and tought people to knit or hand sew all day. oh i just don't know which one i'd like more! but then i considered that another really really good job would be to organize and design happy spaces for people in their homes. to teach people how to get rid of clutter and live with inspiring things around them. and design beautiful rooms and cozy beds. or maybe a photographer, wouldn't that be exciting! but even all the creative careers in the world surely can't match the intoxicating thrill of running a corporation, i mused. that would truly be a one in a million life- fast paced, lots to do each day, in charge of so many important things. oh but it would be fun, i dreamed, to be like a personal shopper. who got to pick out all the clothes and shoes and stuff she loved for someone to wear. shopping all the time! what fun! then again, teachers get to mold a whole new generation- that is amazingly rewarding work- so much sacrifice, so much fruit. that would be a saint's job. "WAIT!" i thought, "i've got it!" the ultimate most wonderful job that takes the cake! being a mom, who can make her home inspiring, clean, and inviting...who can fill it with fragrant smells of cupcakes and bread baking and throw fabulous parties.. who can sit on a comfy couch and knit when the days duties are done...who can take pictures of her family and life any time she'd like, who can learn anything at all that she'd like to do...who is responsible for clothing and fashioning her little family...who runs her little company with hard work, saving, and all the wisdom of the best corporations- in charge of molding the most important things and people in her whole world. why, yes THAT would be the most perfect, the most fulfilling, the most rewarding job (with the most fruit). and would you look at that? i have it.
in 1977 my butt and my belly made a deal when i was being formed in the womb....
belly: "butt?"
butt: "yes, belly?"
belly: "i think it would be nice if i rolled like a bowl full of jelly. wouldn't that be nice?"
butt: "yes, i think that would be lovely. you know what i love belly? i love wide open spaces. i would love to be flat and wide."
belly: "oh that would be nice! well i can help and we'll both be happy. i'll take all the cushion you're supposed to have, and you can be flat as a pancake!"
butt: "you've got yourself a deal! isn't being formed in the womb swell?"
belly: "swell..."
the deal of 1977 has been in full force ever since. which is why i am so happy that my good friend trace's husband got deployed to iraq....don't follow? well, trace is a personal trainer... and while he's deployed he sent her to utah to live....down the street from me....we were college roommates...she doesn't like to see me out of shape...i was in good shape then...she is getting me back in shape... the picture above is my basement with all her equip that she's works my butt "on" with... then she gives me cardio assignments for the gym. am i the luckiest girl or what???? oh you don't even know the half of it. she has a 3 year old girl that cate loves and trace and i LOVE to thrift and bargain shop and trade off kids and talk...and you don't even know the 3/4 of it...she's a nutrition guru too, and has made over my whole fridge to whole and good!!!
if you live in utah and want her info email me. she's AMAZING, and comes to YOU to train. and man oh man when you see her body...you will just die.
which reminds me of the time years ago we were singing and playing guitars in our apt and i wrote a song about her hot a**... and i got turned into byu authorities for lesbian activity in our apt by another (crazy) roommate...but really her a** is that hot, it was worth it...and now she's working her magic on my a** 3 days a week...truly, my life is complete. so i'm not really happy that adam's in iraq, but he left my life so improved. god bless america!!
so soon you will have after pictures of me with everything smaller- my hair my belly oh wait! my butt has to be bigger...trace says it already looks rounder after our 2 sessions. see what a good trainer she is!!
at the ripe old age of 24, i was pretty sure i might never get married. i had dated some boys seriously before which led to nothing legally or lawfully happening. i was getting a little anxious. some of you might think that is young to be anxious about matrimony, but you will understand when i tell you this- sex before marriage was out of the question. get my anxiety now? so i was soooo ready to find the right guy, settle down, and start the baby making.
by 24 i had my single life figured out well. i had been a missionary for 18 months, was about ready to graduate college with my teaching certificate, and had waited tables to support myself for many years. combine my worldly experience with my natural fierce independence, rather smart brain and mouth, and complete inattention to social norms, and you might understand why most boys at byu were frightened of me. i could be a fearsome thing to behold. but i dug that. i thought it was a brilliant weeding out process. an intimidated boy is never attractive, and for me, well, i needed someone as zippy as i was. so i waited and put on no airs or good manners for anyone. i challenged every boy that sadly found himself in my living room. many failed.
grant mccaleb passed test one by not being afraid to flirt with me even after walking in on me kissing my ex boyfriend who was also my next door neighbor. in fact, he made fun of me for liking a nerd. (to which i giggled). he one upped the guys who were unafraid to debate the minutia of life with me, yes he did much better than them. he didn't care. he let me rant, half listened with a smile, but just kind of gave me no feedback until finally saying something like "calm down" and then cracked a joke about something else so that i forgot what i even was ranting about. i loved him.
first real date: byu basketball game and dinner. i brought along an enormous bag which held an enormous blanket i was crocheting. when i say enormous, i mean enormous. grant had to help me carry it in. i was trying to make the world's warmest tv blanket for the tahoe house (side note- i eventually succeeded and it is still in use today. in fact when my brother came to the house after my mom died at her work he saw that she had been cozied up in it on the couch the night before). i really thought i was already in love with this guy, but just to be sure i brought along something to work on. we sat with a bunch of his friends who had looks on their faces like "what the crap is she doing?" but grant unaffectedly held my yarn while i worked and expertly untangled knots that happen when you crochet with four skeins at once. he was the one.
here's the point of my little tale. some have wondered (love ya robyn) how i have time to make all the stuff i do. i will tell you. i have yet to find anything that is so riveting that i don't also need to be doing something else. if i am watching a movie i am also scrapbooking. if i am riding in the car i am also crocheting. if i am in the bath i am also eating breakfast and reading scriptures. if i am hanging out with a friend i am also taking pictures. if i am waiting anywhere for anything i am also reading. if i am playing with cate, we are playing sewer or cooker. if i am at a red light, i am plucking my eyebrows in the rear view mirror. if i am on a first date with the man i am going to marry i am also working on a blanket. if i am sitting at church i am wishing grant would let me knit. i multi task. i read the entire harry potter series on the toilet. seriously. i never took them out of the bathroom, and eventually they were all completed. amazing, eh? the power of multi tasking. i do envy those of you who can go to the bathroom for 20 seconds without being bored, but alas, my burden to bear in this life dictates otherwise. i am a multi tasker.
picture circa 2005 entitled kelly in heaven (busy busy) curtesy g.m.mccaleb
A few weeks ago, I posted about all the things I wished for my husband Grant. My sister pointed out to me that since that time most of the list has been granted. He got a job he loves in his field, he has 3 day weekends and gets to spend so much more time outdoors, we no longer live in the crappy apt., I feel like we are on a regular schedule and have taking up cooking yummy dinners as a hobby...as my sis said, it's almost as if just by putting it out there, my heart's desires were granted. I feel I am already blessed way more than I deserve...I am often concerned to pray for things that seem selfish or vain or not completely necessary for survival, even though they may be something I want deeply. But that is not how we are told to pray. We are supposed to be grateful for everything and pray for everything. (just be ok when the answer is no or wait, and continue to be grateful). So, I have decided to think about, and perhaps pray sincerely for, the things I am lacking for my OWN happiness...MY wish list....
1. to get pregnant, or just at least to know why my body is not functioning right.
2. to have the patience and desire to teach and train and play with cate, not just babysit and keep her busy.
3. to be able to get our post-student financial situation on line quickly, to have the discipline to pay off debt, and the means to do so.
4. to find more kindred spirits that live near me.
5. to have more energy. to love working out every day. to become a runner. to have NO desire to drink diet coke.
6. to enjoy my hobbies and be content with my schedule and life, and to not desire to do more than would be wise for me and my family. to have opportunities that will truly give me happiness with the talents i have been given.
7. to be more patient with people in general, and have a more kind and happy disposition.
i think that's all...not much, right! haha! i mean, really, how could i desire any more than this girl and this bathtub?
i think this picture is on all of our blogs now. it's such a rare one. old friends. like sisters. we live all over the country- from so cal to d.c. and no matter how long between seeing or talking it always feels like we didn't skip a beat. four of us in the pic have little girls. crazy cute and crazy bright little things, the next generation of us wild women. it is really rare to find kindred spirits in life. you really have to hold on to them. i was thinking today, i really want life to fly by, so we can all sit down and rest in heaven together. normally i grasp at each day of this life with fear! but today the thought of all the junk being over, and being surrounded by all your loved ones really made me long for "home". not sure i am making sense, but this picture just touches me in a deep way, so much history together as crazy girls, and now we are forced to be women, little girls to raise. to teach to do and be better than we did and are. how thrilling and scary. that really is my greatest desire for my life, that i will teach my children to do better than i did at life. i think that would be success, to watch your children be good people, better than you, and know you did something right. looking at this picture just makes it all seem so fast. life is a strange thing. aging is a strange thing. i am just getting to the age that i am realizing wow, you really aren't a teenager forever. wow, my twenties went by at lightspeed..what will the rest be like? wow, i'm a mom. wow, it's my turn to try and make a difference in this world. wow.
reward = happy body, happy spirit, happy life
anyone want to be my goal buddy???
a wee bit of sadness up in the hizouse tonight. think i need to write some positives, found one of those cheesy quizes i'd never thought i'd do....but tonight, i'm feeling it.
1. What was the best thing that happened in your life this week? my husband's eyes lit up when i came home from a hair appt. and said i looked really pretty and my new darker hair makes my eyes look so bright. sweet nothings, you know...makes a girl's week!
2. What did you learn this week that you couldn’t have learned otherwise?life continues to amaze me with its never ending ups and downs, but this week i realized again how lost i would be with out grant. he really is my rock. my cheerer-upper. my constant.
3. Who touched your heart unexpectedly?my sister gloria who took cate for a whole afternoon so i could get my hair done, acted like it was no big deal even though she was traveling. she took cate on a pony ride and bought her a beautiful silver bracelet. so kind.
4. Who went out of their way to make you smile this week?my sister nicole with her funny comments on my blog and funny jokes over the phone.
5. What did YOU do to make a difference in someone else’s life?uummmm....
6. What did you find out you were good at this week?making organic meals! it's fun like a new hobby, gave me a reason to like to cook and eat again. that sounds silly doesn't it!
7. What goal did you make this week?to seek peace every day...be faithful and not a worrier! i want to stop reading the scriptures looking for what i need to be doing better, i want to read the scriptures looking for hope and faith in the one who will make me better. in other words: chill out! "be still and know that i am god".
8. List 5 people who adore you….me (haha), grant, cate, jesus and my mom- i guess adore wouldn't be the right word for what jesus feels for me. and my mom lives with him...so they both probably just love me with like a perfect love, ya know, adore sounds so this earth. haha! so adore me?....probably just cate and grant. that's plenty good for me.
9. List something you are looking forward to….new sseason of gilmore girls woohoooo! and a couple of up coming fun vacates and grant graduating and having more children and being homeowners and being able to afford anthropologie and growing old and the millenium...oh, the question didn't mean for all eternity?
10. What’s the yummiest thing you had to eat in the last 24 hours?oh definately my new fave breakfast...this weird flax cereal with vanilla soy milk and banana chunks!! yumm, it's the only thing that gets me out of bed...that, and reading "the paper" aka blogs :)
and here's a random blurry picture of my silly girl :) this felt good.
being a mom is hard for me. i look at people that like have a dog, or a super busy social life, and i think, why would you want more things to care for than you all ready have to? i'm not a natural nuturer. i'm the island simon and garfunkel were singing about. understand, i love cate with all my heart and soul. if any thing happened to her i think i would stop breathing. i think that's why it's so hard... the care and concern is all consuming. the desires and hopes and love consume me. the gap between the mother i want to be and the mother i am causes tremendous guilt. i think life would be easier without all those intense emotions. yes, i suppose it would be easier, but i cannot pretend it would be better. no, not better. it would be empty. barren. incomplete. because the intensity with which i feel the tough emotions is in direct proportion to the intensity with which i feel joy and love when she hugs me or says "i love you mommy" or says her sweet baby prayers. or laughs her belly laugh. i see the glimpse sometimes of what an amazing woman she will be. makes it all worth it. nailpolish all over my desk: worth it. big pain to do the smallest of errands: worth it. all the cricked necks i've had from her getting in our bed and sleeping on top of me: worth it. worth being a nurturer. worth abandoning my island. worth having more. plenty more.
that is one of my favorite pictures of her of all time. i had a really fun night tonight. i went over to my girlfriend's house and talked and laughed, without a kid or a husband, till late at night. i cannot tell you how long it has been since I've done that. it felt good. i am such an independent person i forget how much I need other girls. and it gave me a chance to really miss my little family- isn't that dumb after just a few hours? 'm addicted to those two.
and I have to give a shout out to dale carnegie who is currently changing my life through the book, how to stop worrying and start living. such good, practical advice and soothing words for people (unfortunately like me) who can't escape anxiety. here is a sampling: "Shut off the past! Let the dead past bury its dead...Shut out the yesterdays which have lighted fools the way to dusty death. The load of tomorrow, added to that of yesterday, carried today, makes the strongest falter. Shut off the future as tightly as the past. The future is today. There is no tomorrow. The day of man's salvation is now. Waste of energy, mental distress, nervous worries, dog the steps of a man who is anxious about the future..Does this mean we should not prepare for tomorrow? No. Not at all. But the best possible way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all you intelligence, all your enthusiasm, on doing today's work suberbly today. Rmember that Christ's prayer only asks for today's bread, and it doesn't complain about the stale bread of yesterday. 'Take no thought for the morrow, for the morrow will take suffiecient thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.' ...Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, 'Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently , lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all that life really means." anyway, get the book! that is unless you have no worries of the mental type like me! and that is no one in my family, so get it!
